Day One:
Side Bar: I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety. Why? It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be. More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die." A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know. I've seen it before." I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not. today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing. That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.
What makes me grateful about being sober? How is this something to give thanks for?
Because I did it. I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back. I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle. I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it. I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.
What has changed? It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land. Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous. Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...
