Medusa [An Annie Lennox Advent]

 Whiter Shade of Pale - Annie Lennox

 

 

If you’ve been following the bouncing-ball, ‘grateful for’ this year is a blank I am struggling to fill in.  Advent my favorite, joy-filled time of year feels intensely somber, like Medusa is lurking around the corner; gaze and be turned to stone?  Keep averting the profane normalcy of today’s society? 

Christmas hymns, seasonal festive music, movies and yes, even “A Charlie Brown Christmas” all a numb boredom…however, the album Medusa by Annie Lennox feels seasonally appropriate.

I waited for the ashes of my 17+ year feline companion “to come” home to do my decorating, yes, even my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It is not his physical absence, it is not that my physical Christmas gifts have been given, it is not that I look around seeing the physical reality of our world or even the physical reality staring back in the mirror.  Perhaps, the hidden scars & crosses I bear. 

Or perhaps, it is the real of the Christmas story; the portion lacking: infancy—adulthood of Jesus Christ–hidden.  Hidden below the surface. 

 *not my image or property*

Curious wondering with tones of I can’t even imagine.  What was Mary and Joseph’s life like those years?  Not to mention our dear little Savior–the “terrible twos” to the awkward-phase teenage years?  His realization of I am He!  Not to mention Mom and “Stepdad” (yeah, think about that!) parenting the worlds SAVIOR…

I can’t even imagine, yet I try, over and over again.  The imagery at times in my mind feels cute, fun clips and others feel worrisome…

Maybe this is the seed of my 2018 Advent somber tones.  Unknown.  Secret.  Hidden.  Uncertain.  Tied together with Faith.  Faith & Hope in the same unknown.  That in between, much like my own life’s places of in between–hidden.  The same but different, lacking.

 

12/2018 Tiger Albee Photo

I dunno.

I dunno.

I just.  Don't.  Know.

I really don't know how many times this year I said "I need to stop watching the news".  I just don't know how burying my head in the sand would make anything better either.

The time of year is here where we as a collective unit share our stories of "I am grateful for ___."  Seeing repeatedly on social media count down of days and photos of gratitude leading us into the Christmas season.  Amid all this is the bombarding of ads by way of every possible avenue: wacky and wavy inflatable arm-flailing tube men armies plague our streets at a multiplying like rabbits rate...

I dunno.  

To say I don't take notice of what they are selling and ponder do I need? could I use? would be false.  To say I don't walk away and think back to the horrific stories I saw on the news and scold myself for thinking about the former (I) when clearly the latter (others) is where my focus should be, would also be false.  To say I just. don't. know. how I can comprehend that two (or more) conflicting things can coexist yet not be able to wrap my head around it at the same time is true.  So true that even in my own personal life it is that type of struggle more regularly than I care to admit.  

I dunno.  

Part of me still holds hope, for the world as well as personally; it is semi-sustaining and semi-draining--therefor, I must distract my own selfishness (I suppose that is what it truly is) by way of working and doing for others.  I sometimes feel guilty when those days that I dread show up; the fact of "is this all there is?!" because quite frankly I have no reason to complain; bills all paid, all I need and some to share, so it really is mere selfish wallowing!  Sometimes I worry when I pray honestly to God, because though it is with a do I dare speak the words, gut wrenching fear "what if there is nothing after this life"?  I then quickly apologize and "pacify" myself with well, you are doing good things, given up bad habits and addictions, live as purely as one possible can or at best aim to try to do so--what would be so bad about going out like that?  Also recalling Matthew 6 regarding faith, humility, earthly gains, "each day has enough trouble of its own."--that usually reals me back into a state of calm and realization--I can delay gratification.

I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___."  Perhaps, this is a brand new for me.  Like but a few brand news I have experienced since turning 40 five years and change ago.  Mimicking a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, day by day taking time to put it all together in between daily tasks and obligations and life's interruptions.  

I dunno, so, I will continue to trust in what I just don't know, have Faith in what I believe, follow where the Spirit leads me and maybe, just maybe others can fill in the blank this year.  Others who have been here--I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___." 

Galatians 5:24 ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Delight Thyself

He is risen,

He is risen, indeed!

I'm a really simple kind of being; I guess that can be true in the simple minded at times sense as well as the it doesn't take much--grand gestures really aren't needed.  I also am a fan of sharing the simple little things with those whom I love. 

Easter 2012 is one best remembered for transition


                                                                            | -2013
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2014

Easter 2015 is one best remembered for validation

                                                                            | --2016
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2017

Easter 2018 is one best remembered for solidification And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

                                                                            |
                                                                            |
                                                                           

7  The law of the Lord is perfect,
    reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
    making wise the simple;  (Psalm 19:7)

Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.  (Psalm 143:8)

  I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.  (Psalm 119:59)

When I consider your heavens,

    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,  (Psalm 8:8)

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
    and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.  (Psalm 107:43)

 

He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. 

 My help and glory are in God 

 So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (Psalm 62:6-8)

I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. 

 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. 

 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! (Psalm 119:101-103)

 Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.

 For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

 I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.  (Psalm 116:7-9)

Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  (Psalm 37:4)

                                                     

                                                     

Praise The Lord!    

In Out-Out and In

I came across this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon this morning and am being flooded with just how true the realization of this is, I.e.: Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

Not to downplay Outreach ministries or the work of  the Church, Deacons, Elders, Program Staff, etc. or anything like that, rather, stir it all up a bit more.

One thing I can recall vividly my 1^st Sunday service, was the use of the word “inreach” and I was sold! I was seeking a new church and I felt I needed you to take care of me and when I joined as a member I took my questions seriously and you had me there, too – to take care of you. What has changed or shifted is the meaning of inreach has morphed into personal development; maintaining mental stability, Spiritual growth, fasting and prayer (1 Peter 2:1-3).

I am not who I was when I showed up at your doorstep wandering lost, lonely, broken, addicted to alcohol/cigarettes and in need—dire need—I was literally going to die...You stirred up to love and encouraged now faith and good works, the type Christ charges us to live and do, freely flow, everywhere I go, additionally I offer you all the greatest gift I can by taking care of myself—you did that! Had no idea, huh, that is how powerful the life in Christ is; Faith and Hope, Peace and Love – the cornerstone of Outreach;

Brothers and Sisters  "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish for people."  - let us keep that in mind in our ministries, even the day-to-day mundane, perhaps using the words of Jim Rohn let us encourage others with a mere “take care of you for me”.

Five Candles - Jars of Clay

Peace is~

Peace is~
The tingling, warm feelings in my chest

like at any given moment my heart will burst out from within.

Peace is~
Fighting to keep my eyes open, when I am not even tired

with every eyelid flutter more soothing than the other.

Peace is~
No matter time or place, the you-ness of you existing comfortably, almost weightlessly

aware, yet, without a worry or care.

Unexpectedly Extinguished

The 1st Advent candle was lit, we sang

and then, it went out.

The 1st candle was re-lit and the second candle was then lit, we sang

and then, they went out.

As if from lit to spent, my mind wound down

unexpectedly extinguished, with those candle flames.

 Without a word, familiar presence

rest well, here with me.

Softly whispered, within my chest

pen to paper;

Life in a candle

to hope is but a dance with a peaceful flame,
rekindling moments
in every wick
joyfully burning my smoldering soul
lovingly flickering

Advent fantasies...

 ^-The process -^

Saturday December 09, 2017

Awakening

The usual custom for awakening is a "Good Morning" and a big ole mug of coffee!

But what about a Spiritual Awakening?  Knowing something amazing is going on, feeling a need for solidarity yet, connection for sharing and dialog with "others."  Well, there are plenty of others to talk to, believe me, I could waste 18 hours a day in bullshit conversation--that is an American term; "we were just sitting around bullshitting" or "just shooting the shit."  

I am not really a fan of those terms anymore, the only way to explain that is like when you out grow anything.  Perhaps it isn't so much the terminology rather the root of what the term means that turns me off..."pointless chatter."  Go ahead, get offended, those of you who do talk at me, over me, to me and wonder...or better yet, don't and know it doesn't matter!
     That's right, it does not matter--no one but me is responsible for how I feel or don't feel or react and vise versa.  It bears no reflection but much can be learned if we set with that feeling of being offended.  It is truly one of the best Spiritual Awakenings--that's where the ego feeds!!!  (multiple exclamation points because this growth personally ignites a fire within me)


So, here I am, minding my own business, some not-so-many years ago *BAM* 'Spiritual Awakening' nudging me.  And scaring the hell out of me!  That's right, it scared me into a looking over my shoulder for another mental break.  It also scared me because many things I had professed, prayed and lamented to God and God alone were staring right back at me...Confusing me.  Testing me.  Transforming me.  Growing me.  Preparing me for ____________(fill in the blank).  This year it was not cupcakes but, breaking from society.  
     Look, I don't know what's next or yet to come--what I DO know is I know what I am doing even though it is a mystery.

Where I am struggling is really in the placement of boundaries.  I no longer find a lot of  my "older patterns" (AKA the "false self" which is very ego based) my way, my path -- there where the road forked, I went the other way.  I do not seek the company of others.  Yes, I do not seek the company of others.  I seek Faith in "for everything there is a season", I seek God's timing and placement for sharing and connecting--not creating it myself or fumbling back into places I am expected or I feel obligated.  

For my heart knows its home and that space is to be free from defilement.  That's my call.  I cannot answer it yet, I tried, I was hung up on.  And until I stopped getting "hung up on" everything and reflected silently then I felt what I know.  What I know is this:   I accept all this.  My pilgrimage is mine and mine alone.  We are supposed to turn toward and lean on God (not (wo)man) and with all things, God will provide--God will provide spaces and places for sharing.
     
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"

Seven Days; Gratitude

Day One:

So, September 01, 2013 I attended church as I regularly do--with one exception, I was so fricken hung over.  I had, out of guilt and shame, that morning around 4/4:30am completely shaved my head.  I could have stayed home, I have never shown to church remotely under the influence before.

Side Bar:  I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety.  Why?  It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be.  More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die."  A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know.  I've seen it before."  I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not.  today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing.  That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.

What makes me grateful about being sober?  How is this something to give thanks for?

Because I did it.  I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back.  I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle.  I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it.  I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.

What has changed?  It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land.  Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous.  Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...

There is a season~

kissed by November rain

withering gracefully

she'll rise again

faith in action

come Spring

Dear God,

I am so tired of reading/hearing the words "mass shooting."

I am equally tired of hearing "our thoughts and prayers are with those grieving" - I am sorry, it feels inadequate for the TX Church incident--the latest of the recent mass shootings (to the best of my knowledge anyway)...

How do I react to this, well, my nose runs and the tears flow and I pray:  God, what now, how do I (re)act?  Be kinder to those I encounter?  Be more aware of my surroundings?  Be a better listener?  Get my signature on more petitions and proposals? Pass out cards for mental health care?

I don't know but, I start with all of the above. I also start by realizing the best and only way for me to control this situation is not to fear.

Lord, as I move through my days here on earth, let me do so with the confidence that wherever my days may lead me, whomever my days may lead me to and however my days may unfold, You are there. May I encounter all knowing and trusting; 

"these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"  -1 Corinthians 13:13.  Amen.

If I May

heavy-laden 'tis this heart of mine
deeply troubled, my soul

head-shit gets so out of control
Mother Nature, on steroids 

smoke clears
yellow tape, "Disaster Area"                            

yep, 'twas I who ripped through
her(e), head in hands

in Jesus Christ we are forgiven
thanks be to God, however

if I may be so bold
I am so sorry I hurt you, I pray daily...

'desocialize'

I have mental problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal Bipolar cycle. 

Church is the only place I can take a break from myself.  I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break.  From those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field, etc. you need a break.  I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or "stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater "prep-work." 

     Train of thought:  at church I get a break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:

     It means a lot for me to be able to feel uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often.  I don't want to talk to people who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break.  I don't want folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air.  I don't want folks to take away from my time of being able to receive.  Receive Peace.  Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able) to just rest and enjoy Presence.  I know many come on Sunday and like to socialize, cool!  I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but,  desocialize.  That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize).  If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that.  Or about some type of spiritual thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in.  If you want to ask how I am feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here, no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk. 

     I guess my point is what I need is for folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather you didn't, during this time.  If you want to be part of my "wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" -  you just can't be part of my life when I am "okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm really understanding there!  I will still gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my break from myself.  My needed time away from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.

I can no longer "settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making too.  I cannot be settling my time there anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain.  By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open for repeated "malnutrition."  

     I know this is kind of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:

     I, literally, have a team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form healthy relationships among those I worship with.  I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I need to do.  I really am one who won't stand in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.  

Superseded

Lives past; so many intertwine

people, places, reinventions of self

all blur into one

any differential is null

False authenticity

the genuine stamp

Not alone there

Albeit, my heart knew better

like a foreign language

heard or read, no comprehension

shake the head, "whatever who cares"

Living dead--foolishness and folly

Superseded

I haven't turned out at all as I expected…

I expected I'd have been six feet under long ago

Not alone there

Thanks be to God

having other plans for me--redemption

Superseded

Very much alive; present day

Messy and dirty, spotless and clean

all blur into one

any differential is null

Authentic Faithfulness

the genuine Stamp

Not alone here

Better knowing my heart, albeit

Language, no longer confused

Hearing but one, universal comprehension

Bow the head, "wherever You lead"

Life abundant--salvation

Superseded

                 ~ I shall not be moved

The "Day's Eye"

The "Day's Eye"       



                                                     
Captured

Willingly

yet

Remained

Free~

God's Novel

I really dig this title:


1.  God's Novel;  God's book; illustrations; how God reads to me; how God teaches me to read, etc.


2.  God's Novel:  God IS novel.



Often I wait to hear the story before I post here on this blog.  I always when I hear the story or feel it enough to sit down at the keyboard and wait until it just flows have an image or images of what God has shown me pop into my head.  Usually, it is already in the physical memory; Micro SD cards, Flash Drives and/or internal memory, oh and the "clouds" of many!  Sometimes it is just a matter of a day or two and there it is--God's accompanying picture!!

My Instagram account is full of God's sense of humor and our shared goofy, dorky, nonsense and our way of interacting in day to day life.  

Not many folks I know have an IG (Instagram) account or a Google+ (which I don't really use either, except for the auto-sharing of this blogspot content), everyone has Facebook.  I feel nothing but angst when I view my Facebook feed lately; what can I do about that and still share the wonderful reality God shows me?

I can create a new page!  Here is God's Novel:  Link to God's Novel

About:

God speaks to me through a lens; you are not here for you-you are here for Me.

"All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it."

Feel free, should you choose to check it out, "Follow" or "Like" it or not.  This page is mainly just images with a brief, at times, caption.

May the headline bring "Good News"

Grace and Peace,

Ty

Comfortable Silence

Eternal "Secrets"

surround

stop and see

hear...

As you can see from the tabs on this blog, there are months I have much to say and months I appear idle.  Some of that I chalk up to my Bipolar--yes, I own it, it is mine, we coexist most often comfortably but, like any and all couples, we have our moments and disagreements. 

I digress...

Until fairly recently, I chalk this up to the Spiritual Director now in my life, see and hear need not always be shared makes sense.  I don't always need to say or share anything.  Some "secrets" are to be viewed, felt, contemplated, logged, blogged for just me and God.  All too often I found myself feeling I needed to get it out, needed to get something, anything, out. 

Sometimes God does not desire to speak through me, rather, to me

The #asheepsruleofthumb 'hint and twist of lime' here for me is; stop, see, hear; just live, live the transformation, share that:

Philippians 4 NIV

^"8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."