- The more I resist who I am the more Holy discontent I feel.
- "An inner dialogue of give and take" - Richard Rohr
- “You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” - Mark 8:33
- After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, “Why couldn’t we drive it out?" He replied, “This kind can come out only by prayer." - Mark 9:28-29
Interestingly, during the depression group I attend, the things the
handful of other folks in the group listed as what makes them feel better are
the very things that make me feel worse…
For example, calling friends and making plans; not
being alone or isolated. One individual
stated she wishes she liked herself more so that she would be okay with being
by herself. I stated; "that can
bite you in the ass!" I shared how
odd I feel being I feel better when there aren't calls and plans made how I
feel best in prayer, church, groups of self depth based give and take--among
others so long as it has Purpose (capital P - God 1st).
Another
individual piped in with the word "connection" I exclaimed yes. However, for me the word connection has
become so watered down in today's times.
Connection with something larger than oneself in company. I seek and do best in the Spirit. Becoming one with another/others [in Christ],
and again, that gets twisted up sometimes due to dual reference: A. one in
flesh (Mark 10:8) & B. one in spirit (1 Corinthians 6:17)…I have to be
careful of wording because generally I speak as all know I am on the spiritual
page vs. of the flesh.
As I exited
the parking lot another individual from the group said, "I don't think you
need this depression group any more, I wish I was as happy as you!" I replied it's times and places like this
that fill me without having to have coffee or lunch with anyone! That is actually one thing that causes me to
feel depressed and stressed, the want of my time so often by others, to be
pinned down ASAP when I appear [to them] to be doing better. I avoid most people when I am feeling great,
why, because then just seeing me for moments in passing and sharing (what is
filling for me) is not enough for others they want more. This individual in the parking lot said
"so as far as it goes." I
thought about that my whole canal walk back to the bus stop, and yeah, I find
myself being vague to avoid hostilities.
I have an image of myself in my head as this little
monkish happy soul, constantly opening the Bible and just randomly picking
places to read and spending days and weeks alone just having inner dialogue,
wandering, freestyle interacting and taking pictures. I also have this image of another being part
of that sacred space. Another
image is my life outside my home being spent mainly within walls of worship
spaces and therapeutic spaces and where the Spirit invites me day-to-day
mundane. Sometimes those day-to-day
mundane invitations take me to places of being challenged and yes, even
challenging, what would Jesus do style.
I am curious is my need, deep inward call type need,
of being so engulfed in fasting and prayer part of what keeps my mental illness
at bay--"this kind can come out only by prayer" is it that which
helps keep my ego at bay--"you do not have in mind the concerns of
God". Is it I feel Holy discontent
because I have yet to be able to articulate properly? Or is the Holy discontentment I feel so I may stop resisting? "Fear not!" "Do not be
afraid!" "Do not fear!" - embrace this discontentment for God is
with me!
Your kingdom
come, your will be done, on earth as it is
in heaven.
