Came In Like A Lamb

Came In Like A Lamb

o'come Emmanuel, we sing, praise and celebrate
what's in a name...

2019 year of  shackles broken,

mud dried and cracked, 

like Banner becoming the Hulk,

fuck your psychological prison cells

plain as day, transparency 

turned 46
in remission of symptoms
all year

functioning optimally

logic has re-entered the building

starting college again,

I'm going to be a chef!

God is with us;
up on my own two
again--
came in like a lamb, 
going out like the "Tiger" I am 

Taking my power back, 2020
ring up the curtain
it feels good to be back 

My name is:  Michelle

over and over again

the mind gets tripped and triggered

wrapped all up in illness

gaslight and walk away

like it ain't nothin'

I ain't mad

every time

I come out new and improved

like a vintage stingray split window coupe

pulled from the scrap yard

and restored

smoking tires to easy Sunday drives

"Om-shooby-doo-wop

ya know it's gonna be alright"

With A Little Help From My Friends 

Here's to a fresh 2020

so long 2019, you've been good to me!

'desocialize'

I have mental problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal Bipolar cycle. 

Church is the only place I can take a break from myself.  I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break.  From those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field, etc. you need a break.  I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or "stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater "prep-work." 

     Train of thought:  at church I get a break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:

     It means a lot for me to be able to feel uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often.  I don't want to talk to people who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break.  I don't want folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air.  I don't want folks to take away from my time of being able to receive.  Receive Peace.  Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able) to just rest and enjoy Presence.  I know many come on Sunday and like to socialize, cool!  I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but,  desocialize.  That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize).  If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that.  Or about some type of spiritual thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in.  If you want to ask how I am feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here, no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk. 

     I guess my point is what I need is for folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather you didn't, during this time.  If you want to be part of my "wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" -  you just can't be part of my life when I am "okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm really understanding there!  I will still gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my break from myself.  My needed time away from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.

I can no longer "settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making too.  I cannot be settling my time there anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain.  By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open for repeated "malnutrition."  

     I know this is kind of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:

     I, literally, have a team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form healthy relationships among those I worship with.  I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I need to do.  I really am one who won't stand in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.  

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.

If the Colors Run

colors soothe and comfort me
carrying my being
so many memories
far away
bleeding into one
not today
tripped and triggered
thousands of miles per second
hold on
let go
either way
alone

I stand still
here and now
whirlwinds
all around consuming me

black and white
greyscale fade and shade
focus me
once in a while
if the colors run
who will really see...

"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!

Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

May Is Mental Health Awareness Month