*wink*

*wink*

no more masking

said one hundred twenty three times, easily,

randomly pulling this number out of my ass,

like most things done

and or said

in my closing in on forty six years here;

no longer having to hide

I'm a bit mentally behind,

second guessing

what is meant by a lot of things,

afraid to inquire,

behind closed doors

googling simple things,

often more confused and scared

than anyone could fathom;

hell, if I said it out loud

you'd laugh—I'm so funny like that...

Popeye had his spinach

I chose 'liquid courage',

seat of my pants and ass-backward

could care less

like Pigpen's cloud of dust

high functioning drunk,

add in mental illnesses and what do you get?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 and the Oscar goes to--

Miss Albee

AKA one hot fricken' mess...

SN: with a “killer smile” & really great hair! 

*wink*

to the untrained eye

just trying to find my way,

“What Color Is Your Parachute?”,

yeah, I had a friend gift me this is the early 1990's...

hitting my knees-literally-in 2007

screaming, what I now know to be a lament,

followed by a bureaucratic “fall from Grace” ~

tripped, without missing a step,

into the arms of God-literally-

sober, closing in on six years,

and vice free...

here's to closing in on 46 more years here

*wink*

days till 46

Right Path

Last night pre-bed (and pre-Dateline) I was lying in bed talking to God, like I always do, as if God is right there in the room; talking aloud about well, everything; everything we didn't already talk about earlier or even if we had, let me repeat myself, God does.

Anyway, my turn to the left, grab the Student Bible that sits there on the nightstand, and randomly open, point, think silently began (this is not an out of the ordinary practice).  I opened to Luke and pointed just below the blue study box:  I read.

 Though I remained silent, does not take away from thought or "absorption" of what I read.  It also does not mean God left the building, it just means, silence is key--for me.  For me; beneficial, needed, important.

Oh how many "answers" or "more questions than answers" I have with what we talked about and this Spiritual practice of Ours (I capitalize the O because it is God and me-notice me is a lowercase m).  However, the take away, bold, bright and beautiful is this:

     

     I am on the right path!!!  And really think about a path, if you feel so inclined to do so...let's say (for example) the canal path on a walk or bike from Brighton to Pittsford Dairy - for me that is a familiar, yet unfamiliar ride; some road, some for a moment sidewalk, some grass lol, some curb-age, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, sometimes my rear or feet hurt for a week, others not, sometimes I meet friends along the way or foes, I see familiar faces, unfamiliar, I am in my area, your area, their area, I am exhausted upon arrival, I am refreshed, then exhausted again on the way back...you get the point.

the nightstand

to be refinished this Summer--yuck (;

I am on the right path. Amen.

Bucket List

     A couple weeks back some friends were mentioning their bucket list, the done and to-do again and the still need to check off.  I piped in with my theory or belief:

"I don't have a bucket list.  I figure anything I would like to do here and don't get a chance will be made abundantly opportune in the ever lasting life.  ["interesting" the comment from the one friend] So yes, buckets abundant or abundant buckets…no list required."

      I feel, deeply, this life is to deepen my soul.  With self, with others and more than anything with God; because of Jesus and via the Living Spirit.  The deeper my relationship with Him, bubbling spring, bucket not required for refreshment...whatever is set aside or tabled or not available to me here would be parching.  It's to be of no worry for it shall all and more be waiting hereafter--where time shall never be pressed for!

     Perhaps this sounds I'm off my rocker but, I must confess, this earth has nothing I want to possess or anything that I really feel I am missing by not experiencing.  It does however invite me into the robust realm of its infinite wonder.  Leaving me wanting access to all of it.  Glimpses lived while here a mere appetizer.  In waiting--imagining the beauty of so much unknown and time periods of those lived who awe me - to watch the bold, creative, mind of Michelangelo in action.  I could go on and on! 

The Lord knows my heart, so, my "bucket list" consists of what is infinite…in a world without end.  Amen.

Or...

Something came to me when I woke from a brief nap the other day. I have been kind of setting with it wondering why this phrase, being I have never heard it used before but, I think it makes semi-sense now (in the flow chart of my mind):

     [The context surrounding this statement spoken to me was I was upset that the parents of the person who was picking me up refused to even come and see this individual before we drove off. I was adamant it was not okay and quite vocal with these parents as I scurried to get ready, running late, as this individual was parked and waiting for me and my main concern was this individuals irritation at my tardiness and my not wanting to make them irritated and the lack of help from these parents was frustrating additionally. As I got in the car grumbling this individual stated this phrase as a 'I just realize']

            "you didn't kill the rose with the hose but you did cut it from the tree."

Now let's break this down a few ways; was the hose drug across the tree? Meaning intent to water something perhaps not even that rose bush/tree? Or was it the flow of water from the hose that took it from the bush/tree? Was water even a factor? Or merely the means by which we know water to come from? Could the hose have been putting out a fire, hence, extinguishing something else? Thorns, what about the thorns, were there any remaining on the one cut from the tree/bush? Thorns can be both protective and hurtful…

Water..: in the Thursday voices this was often a symbolic meaning of baptism. Water as we wash our hands even symbolic...or even watering a rose?

Rose…: Generally equated with love? Nature? Rose of Sharon? 

Now it is not killed coming off…: Still life? Mistake? Let it go?

Use of a hose…not a blade...

Hose…: Not thought of as dangerous. Thought to be means of water…water.

Intent to water? Had watered? Neglected water? Will water…will place in water?

No death. A live tree or bush. Singular rose. Cut. With a HOSE?

     Could this be telling me something so deep?? Intent vs. Impact?

     Could this be telling me something about my own biological life? Nature vs. Nurture??

I will chew on this today as now I am Spiritually energized to contemplate this! I hope you will also, as well as, all those you interact with in one way or another--a contemplative paying-it-forward, if you will...

Or could this be just half awake jumbled words heard from the TV in the room???

"God be with you 'til we meet again; loving counsels guide, uphold you, with a Shepard's care enfold you, God be with you 'til we meet again"...Amen!

My Call the Sequel

http://tyunstoppable.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-call.html --you can find the original here

This was scribbled one year ago today…

Being I only had one bizarre comment on Google+ when it went live on my blog last year, I feel perhaps, I should break this down a bit.  Let me back track, the comment was something to the effect that I have an odd way of Christianity.  I do!!  (According to mainstream society) 

Okay so I scribbled this down while I was listening to Dave Matthews Crash CD.  I like to, at times, give credit to what I am listening to.  Because I know these people and know they are good people worth endorsing-No.  Because, the Spirit moves in everything, and I mean everything.

Title:  My Call

1st 4 lines/words = The holy (no pun intended, okay maybe!) crap I am not worthy.  To the self-examination question--Shame? 

2nd set of 7 lines/words = Rationalize, justifying, the but it was because or they started it so I…  To the self-examination question--Scared?

3rd set of 4 lines/words = THE Light coming into the darkness.  Feeling Grace.

4th set of 3 lines/words = False self to True self.  And that, friends, I am learning should feel uncomfortable and a bit chaotic.  Dig Deep.

5th set of lines/words = Pretty easy to understand--"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 

6th and final line/word = "Abnormality!" --NOT MAINSTREAM.  Not "normal" when I am often listened to…

Celibate.  Sober.  My friends are older.  Love of Christian Discipline.  I could go on and on.

The exclamation point = I love being New Life "Abnormal"  [2 Corinthians 5:17]

And these calls from God aren't just this one time, but every time I am called:  it is good, even if some liminal spaces are agonizing.

Faithful Friday!

I met God very young on a “you’re real” level before ever knowing Jesus and the Spirit.  If this makes sense.  I didn’t have that knowledge or access to it or being as young as 4 that kind of grasping for all that but I knew God; that maintained and sustained ME in all my horror growing up—it is in that I am closest to God. God was (is) my go to.

I also in some way, even young, knew others at places of deep sorrow without them telling me—I helped myself by helping others know joy.  Not being it for them, that’s when things have gotten messy for me in life prior…when people become like an addict (dependent) or v.v..

Not to be joy but rather enhance life and in turn the sharing God.

Most folks as an adult I find super uptight often lol lol I relate best when the childlike is visible or reachable in others because that IS my being.  It isn’t regression it is more an undoing of all the situational and environmental twisting, bending and breaking.  A have taken back that prepubescent wonder, awe and innocence, not sinless by any stretch.

This is a struggle, the uptight who guard that child in them with white knuckles… “Let the children come to me.”  We need not white knuckle to cling to Him, however, we do it rather than “let the children come to me.”

One flashing his batman key ring the other day when I wore my Robin shirt!! (childlike)

I suppose why I am sharing this is because this is Church for me “let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!”
This is my life.  There is no separate--Church life and life life are one = childlike not foolish nor infantile; I have come to Him and I love when others do too, especially with me and He.

God is this really cool toy I have and I want to share it with all the “kids” and not just for show and tell!

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬ ‪#‎asheepsruleofthumb‬

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Middle of the night

Tap on the shoulder

<Unresponsive>

     I need you

     Slight body thrust

I'm right here

Attention gained

What's on your mind?

     Just talk to me…

You ok?

     Just talk to me..

'Home' is key for me

Sometimes my head gets lost

Best to stay in one place

I know

I go off roaming around

Here and there instead

Present moment by moment

Presence warmly felt

Selfish need kicks in

Overthinking

Cold, lonely, longing

Comfortable silence switch flipped

off

Free falling abandonment

Just because I'm not there

Doesn't mean I'm not there

Playing over and over again

Comforts me

While breaking my heart

     Why are you crying?

Just talking to you…

      You ok?

Attention gained

You're right here…

                                                         F.R.O.G.  (Fully Rely On GOD)

Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

Faithful Friday

We should spend our time preaching and teaching Love. Tending and mending.

If we have nothing nice to say just say nothing (a fool runs their mouth a wise person keeps quiet). Stay away from that and those that raise blood pressure with toxins and negativity. We clearly cannot live under rocks and are exposed to so much hostility and divisions. Let us not continue the pattern of walls with illusion of bridges.

They'll know we are Christians by our Love. Love for God, ourselves and each other. Not they will know we are Christians by our anger and outrage. By our Love, by our Love...

If we cannot preach and feed within our own personal space emulating the living Loving Word, we are impostors. We are none the less guilty of the violence and division we want so badly to cease.

In speaking with three very good friends yesterday about the daily strife we are amidst I felt myself getting riled up and BP rising--as did they. This is not who we are, our true selves. I know them and they me, we are peaceful and kind and gentle and of good nature and fun.

What shall we spread?? What shall we share?? What is the pulpit called by God to do???
     --LOVE, nurturing, tending and mending.

The only place to begin is within. We must go in to go out!

They will know we are Christians by our Love, by our Love. Amen.

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬  #saynotopoliticsatChriststable 

Under HIS Wing

As I am the same person as 20 years ago and more, so is God the same from beginning to now and forever. However, I have changed and grown and do different things and will, yet it's still me. God does also!

I cannot move and flow and grow within and among the Holy Spirit if I am treating God as if the past God is all God is capable of.

The beauty in this Absolute Grace is I need not do or have to do anything. Because I am in Christ it is not something I need concern myself with, He has adopted me! I am His. I am taken up and living under HIS wing--child being tutored and tended!!!

❤




👼

❤

Rejoice! Rejoice!!

"Jesus took Peter, John and James and went up the mountain to pray. Can you follow Jesus and go up on the mountain and pray? Can you carve out time time to listen and share with him the joys and sorrow of your daily life? On this Second Sunday of Lent be open and allow God the opportunity to speak to your heart. Let yourself experience God's transforming love."  (Taken from the 'Mercy Spirituality Center' Facebook Page; https://www.facebook.com/Mercy-Spirituality-Center-358657827490413/?pnref=story)

I had quite an Epiphany yesterday, (both services, different bits and pieces), being these very questions have been prayerfully and contemplatively working within and among me. I have experienced a full fledged "whew, thank you, Lord, you DO hear my prayers."

1st, randomly opening to hymn #268--feeling the "what I am called to do" type feeling with regard to wars, trials and lack of peace--be absorbed in prayer & praise! Alleluia, Amen. The way to peace = prayer and praise, that's the "how."

2nd, "silence in us any voice but Your own" became vivid and starkly "real!"--(meditate)

* I shall not give up and allow threat to scare me...like the hen and her brood. (paraphrased from the sermon)
* "Join in Jesus' lament for the city" (from sermon)
and all peoples;
*look around "these are your people!" (taken from a past time with the children. Martha explaining how in the south 'who are your people' means what family are you from, etc.)
* "Blow Your trumpet, lift up the oppressed!" (from the prayer of the people)
* Awaken us for the ways we become connected to each other. (paraphrased from the prayer of the people)
* "be transformed!" (not sure if sermon or prayer of the people)

I went in open, more open than I normally head into church wanting and needing God to speak to my heart. I revel in joy within for I am "growing up..." (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for todayhttps://cac.org/three-steps-forward-two-steps-backward-2016-02-22/)
Deeply meditative and I heard NOT John, NOT Martha, NOT anyone but God! How do I know??? Because only I know what I pray and the Lord God himself...I was heard and answered!!!

* "Go in to go out"--woke to those words from a dream on 12/28/2015

For I am not on a wilderness walk! I am on hiking the mountainous range!!!

Thanks be to God, Amen. Thanks be to Jesus, my best friend, thanks be to the Holy Spirit within and among me. Thanks be Holy Trinity.

"Rejoice, Rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel!!" (ear-wormed in my head and heart)

"Practices"

I never predict "practices" or "resolutions", the Holy Spirit moves and works in unpredictable ways...

Lenten "Practice" 1.  

Keep my eyes on my own paper.  My answers aren't elsewhere.

Lenten "Practice" 2.

"Pay attention, now! I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves." -Matt 10:16

Lenten "Practice" 3.

"self-reliance and self-learning are your greatest assets" -Lailah Gifty Akita

Lenten "Practice" 4.

"You have gotten to where you are at by way of how you got there."  -Paul G.

Live Lovingly

One day, when time and space matter not;

I know it is your heart

meant to beat

with mine...

Tornado of The Soul

essence riveting 
depth of depths
so immense
aesthetically pleasing
expansile breath
dropped to my knees 
intoxicating

only known with thee
seen not seemingly
your presence enticing 
silence, softly spoken
alone, comfortably accompanied 

keyed to the lock
prayerfully 
lovingly tucked in 
abiding within the tender eye...

dust engulfed
onlookers, passersby
profess: 
head in the clouds
foolishness
loss of reality...

     tornado of the soul

MY CALL

Discomfort
Unnerve
Rattle


Shame?


Jump back
Ten feet for every square inch
shared
Pointing fingers
Deer in the headlights
Projecting blame


Scared?


Pure as can be
Want of nothing
Tangible
On earth as it is in Heaven


Misconstrued
Misconceptions
Conceptual Overload--


Busting at the seams, overflowing
Consuming
God's love
manifesting--


Abnormality!

God's Greatest Gift

One of God's greatest gifts--

FRIENDSHIP.

Plain and simple, pure and true.


All types of friendships;

Colleagues, associates, neighbors and peeps...

Acquaintances, confidants, reflective and sweet...


New friendships and age old friendships--

Sometimes overlooked, taken for granted...


Plain and simple, pure and true.

FRIENDSHIP--

One of God's greatest gifts.


Thanks and Praise...

                                                                    Perfectly Imperfect

Lacking Fancy

For all I craved, even unbeknownst

you, Lord, have fulfilled and continue to pour over me more than I deserve

gratefully and thankfully and humbly I receive joyfully

You, indeed, hear all spoken and unspoken;


Read my heart always and keep me from selfish ways...

I want nothing more than to live in You

and You in me, always!


Welcoming Your will on earth as it is in heaven

always and everlasting...


Keep watch as I sleep tight

over not only myself but those I love

and those whom are lost...

In Christ's name I pray, always!

Amen.

Continuing w/ Weekend Mantras

I have felt exhausted the last several days, yet still pondering a few things...



On Tuesday, the 24th, I felt moved to "try something":

Today I will be attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives...
Journaling my feelings, thoughts, etc and photos (where applicable).
I feel this may benefit my Lenten journey in many multilayered ways!

Wednesday, the 25th:

I will continue this practice [attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives] for a bit--I must confess it was an extremely positive day yesterday. From seeing a good friend, gathering some connecting info for another, text 'banter' with a few and being kindly noticed, greeted and updated by a prior RAIHN guest and their amazing happenings...never-the-less, one thing I did notice in trying to focus toward the not so goods was a feeling of unnatural for me. 
I found it easier to look to find fault with myself than anywhere or anyone else... interesting!

Later that evening attending the "Living Waters Wednesday" service and getting so lost in the lightness I felt.  So calm, peaceful; sax, guitar and piano singing hymns--gave me tingles up my spine and head.  So just one with the Holy Spirit that the trance type feelings I often experience were amplified to the point of it was just God and I there.  

It was/is very telling to me that I am beyond trying to focus unnaturally.  

Not to say I don't see or feel negatives ever, or am never negative, rather a noticing I did find a fault within myself...a positive fault...GROWTH!

The popping for me all week, from our Thursday noon group Lenten readings:

-After...disciples remembered...they believed...  taken from John 2:22
-...did not understand...at first...then they remembered...  taken from John 12:16

So, my brief "left with"

Twenty-twenty hindsight can be the most wonderful "Blessons"  Amen!

Week Three of Mantra'ing!

Chew-bit for this week:
"so must the Son of Man be lifted up" --John 3:14

"By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8

Q: What does this speak to me in the right here, right now; present day Lenten journey?
     What pops out? (a song, movie, experience, etc.)
     What am I left with regarding the above two quotes?

I am feeling an obstructed flow.

This is due to my reliance on outside or "earthly sources" that have, for the most part, helped enhance my ability to feel lifted by the Son of Man and connected to the natural Trinitarian flow.  Not to say these are unnecessary, by no means--rather secondary!

Songs:  The Stone by Jars of Clay, When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss and Safe and Sound by Capital Cities

When the Trinity; God, Son & Holy Ghost are neglected to be placed first and foremost, above all else, things tend to get messy.
Messy:  obstructed natural flow and order, short circuited feelings like sparks from a downed power line.

The "power line" must be repaired to restore order for the very reasons an actual "power line" must be repaired in that condition.

Left with:

"Can I convince you to come any closer?!?"

Get directly closer to Christ and the Father; use the front door if you will, lol -- get caught up in the Holy Spirit blowing through me!!

Dark Horse by Katy Perry just popped in!

Blessed weekend thoughts, prayers and breezes...

Rock Bottom

So, you're at rock bottom
you don't say,
I've rented a room there
many times in my day.

You're scared and alone
already
battered and bruised
cannot believe
more being thrown at you.
Refuse to say;
"it could be worse"
looking over your shoulder
makes for more of a curse.

Do I pick up the phone?
Feel it won't matter,
won't matter at all,
sad and depressed,
no one likes that.
Feel it would just be being a bother,
not even sure what to say...

You'll suffer through instead,
head in your hands
crying
shaking
even cold
forgotten all that you know.
Normally can fake it
till you can make it
yeah,
not one of those times, huh.

Been there.
Done that.

I am not going to lie to you
It really does suck,
going to seem like forever
no matter what one says
it will not be enough.
Like you are now made of stone
nothing can get through.

This is a time
when all I can do for you
is have the faith you lack.
Won't go too far
standing ready to have your back--

Knowing:
you are a fighter
damn strong
BELIEVER
you've seen many dark days
dusted off, stood-up.

The clock now stopped...
It is a bitch of a climb
slow 'n steady
don't look down,
God's got you
when you reach the top
my hand will be ready!




For those we wait and pray on.
MAA-S LLAH ;)