Delight Thyself

He is risen,

He is risen, indeed!

I'm a really simple kind of being; I guess that can be true in the simple minded at times sense as well as the it doesn't take much--grand gestures really aren't needed.  I also am a fan of sharing the simple little things with those whom I love. 

Easter 2012 is one best remembered for transition


                                                                            | -2013
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2014

Easter 2015 is one best remembered for validation

                                                                            | --2016
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2017

Easter 2018 is one best remembered for solidification And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

                                                                            |
                                                                            |
                                                                           

7  The law of the Lord is perfect,
    reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
    making wise the simple;  (Psalm 19:7)

Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.  (Psalm 143:8)

  I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.  (Psalm 119:59)

When I consider your heavens,

    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,  (Psalm 8:8)

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
    and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.  (Psalm 107:43)

 

He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. 

 My help and glory are in God 

 So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (Psalm 62:6-8)

I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. 

 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. 

 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! (Psalm 119:101-103)

 Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.

 For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

 I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.  (Psalm 116:7-9)

Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  (Psalm 37:4)

                                                     

                                                     

Praise The Lord!    

In Out-Out and In

I came across this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon this morning and am being flooded with just how true the realization of this is, I.e.: Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

Not to downplay Outreach ministries or the work of  the Church, Deacons, Elders, Program Staff, etc. or anything like that, rather, stir it all up a bit more.

One thing I can recall vividly my 1^st Sunday service, was the use of the word “inreach” and I was sold! I was seeking a new church and I felt I needed you to take care of me and when I joined as a member I took my questions seriously and you had me there, too – to take care of you. What has changed or shifted is the meaning of inreach has morphed into personal development; maintaining mental stability, Spiritual growth, fasting and prayer (1 Peter 2:1-3).

I am not who I was when I showed up at your doorstep wandering lost, lonely, broken, addicted to alcohol/cigarettes and in need—dire need—I was literally going to die...You stirred up to love and encouraged now faith and good works, the type Christ charges us to live and do, freely flow, everywhere I go, additionally I offer you all the greatest gift I can by taking care of myself—you did that! Had no idea, huh, that is how powerful the life in Christ is; Faith and Hope, Peace and Love – the cornerstone of Outreach;

Brothers and Sisters  "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish for people."  - let us keep that in mind in our ministries, even the day-to-day mundane, perhaps using the words of Jim Rohn let us encourage others with a mere “take care of you for me”.

Five Candles - Jars of Clay

>99 Luftballoons

99 Luftballoons; Nena   <---song 'popped' in my head when I saw this red balloon. 

Little Google background for those outside "Gen X":  
 "99 LUFTBALLONS" LYRICS

Text: Carlo Karges
Musik: J. U. Fahrenkrog-Petersen

This is the song that brought Nena to the attention of English-speaking people all over the world in 1984. This original German version, written by Carlo Karges, was released in Germany in February 1983.

The English version was written by Kevin McAlea and released in North America in 1984. Under the title "99 Red Balloons," that song (also sung by Nena) loosely follows the German lyrics though it is not the same as the direct English translation used here.

German Lyrics	Direct Translation by Hyde Flippo
Hast du etwas Zeit für mich Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich Von 99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Denkst du vielleicht g'rad an mich Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich Von 99 Luftballons Und dass so was von so was kommt	Have you some time for me, then I'll sing a song for you about 99 balloons on their way to the horizon. If you're perhaps thinking about me right now then I'll sing a song for you about 99 balloons and that such a thing comes from such a thing.
99 Luftballons Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont Hielt man für Ufos aus dem All Darum schickte ein General 'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher Alarm zu geben, wenn es so wär Dabei war'n da am Horizont Nur 99 Luftballons	99 balloons on their way to the horizon People think they're UFOs from space so a general sent up a fighter squadron after them Sound the alarm if it's so but there on the horizon were only 99 balloons.
99 Düsenjäger Jeder war ein großer Krieger Hielten sich für Captain Kirk Das gab ein großes Feuerwerk Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft Und fühlten sich gleich angemacht Dabei schoss man am Horizont Auf 99 Luftballons	99 fighter jets Each one's a great warrior Thought they were Captain Kirk then came a lot of fireworks the neighbors didn't understand anything and felt like they were being provoked so they shot at the horizon at 99 balloons.
99 Kriegsminister - Streichholz und Benzinkanister - Hielten sich für schlaue Leute Witterten schon fette Beute Riefen Krieg und wollten Macht Mann, wer hätte das gedacht Dass es einmal soweit kommt Wegen 99 Luftballons	99 war ministers matches and gasoline canisters They thought they were clever people already smelled a nice bounty Called for war and wanted power. Man, who would've thought that things would someday go so far because of 99 balloons.
99 Jahre Krieg Ließen keinen Platz für Sieger Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr Und auch keine Düsenflieger Heute zieh' ich meine Runden Seh' die Welt in Trümmern liegen Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden Denk' an dich und lass' ihn fliegen	99 years of war left no room for victors. There are no more war ministers nor any jet fighters. Today I'm making my rounds see the world lying in ruins. I found a balloon, think of you and let it fly (away).

I couldn't stop shooting it until the song completed in my head;
refocus
distracted
I walked away, leaving it be, just as I found it...

I may never know its destiny

however, this encounter was meant to be...

Peace is~

Peace is~
The tingling, warm feelings in my chest

like at any given moment my heart will burst out from within.

Peace is~
Fighting to keep my eyes open, when I am not even tired

with every eyelid flutter more soothing than the other.

Peace is~
No matter time or place, the you-ness of you existing comfortably, almost weightlessly

aware, yet, without a worry or care.

Unexpectedly Extinguished

The 1st Advent candle was lit, we sang

and then, it went out.

The 1st candle was re-lit and the second candle was then lit, we sang

and then, they went out.

As if from lit to spent, my mind wound down

unexpectedly extinguished, with those candle flames.

 Without a word, familiar presence

rest well, here with me.

Softly whispered, within my chest

pen to paper;

Life in a candle

to hope is but a dance with a peaceful flame,
rekindling moments
in every wick
joyfully burning my smoldering soul
lovingly flickering

Advent fantasies...

 ^-The process -^

Saturday December 09, 2017

Awakening

The usual custom for awakening is a "Good Morning" and a big ole mug of coffee!

But what about a Spiritual Awakening?  Knowing something amazing is going on, feeling a need for solidarity yet, connection for sharing and dialog with "others."  Well, there are plenty of others to talk to, believe me, I could waste 18 hours a day in bullshit conversation--that is an American term; "we were just sitting around bullshitting" or "just shooting the shit."  

I am not really a fan of those terms anymore, the only way to explain that is like when you out grow anything.  Perhaps it isn't so much the terminology rather the root of what the term means that turns me off..."pointless chatter."  Go ahead, get offended, those of you who do talk at me, over me, to me and wonder...or better yet, don't and know it doesn't matter!
     That's right, it does not matter--no one but me is responsible for how I feel or don't feel or react and vise versa.  It bears no reflection but much can be learned if we set with that feeling of being offended.  It is truly one of the best Spiritual Awakenings--that's where the ego feeds!!!  (multiple exclamation points because this growth personally ignites a fire within me)


So, here I am, minding my own business, some not-so-many years ago *BAM* 'Spiritual Awakening' nudging me.  And scaring the hell out of me!  That's right, it scared me into a looking over my shoulder for another mental break.  It also scared me because many things I had professed, prayed and lamented to God and God alone were staring right back at me...Confusing me.  Testing me.  Transforming me.  Growing me.  Preparing me for ____________(fill in the blank).  This year it was not cupcakes but, breaking from society.  
     Look, I don't know what's next or yet to come--what I DO know is I know what I am doing even though it is a mystery.

Where I am struggling is really in the placement of boundaries.  I no longer find a lot of  my "older patterns" (AKA the "false self" which is very ego based) my way, my path -- there where the road forked, I went the other way.  I do not seek the company of others.  Yes, I do not seek the company of others.  I seek Faith in "for everything there is a season", I seek God's timing and placement for sharing and connecting--not creating it myself or fumbling back into places I am expected or I feel obligated.  

For my heart knows its home and that space is to be free from defilement.  That's my call.  I cannot answer it yet, I tried, I was hung up on.  And until I stopped getting "hung up on" everything and reflected silently then I felt what I know.  What I know is this:   I accept all this.  My pilgrimage is mine and mine alone.  We are supposed to turn toward and lean on God (not (wo)man) and with all things, God will provide--God will provide spaces and places for sharing.
     
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"

Seven Days; Gratitude

Day One:

So, September 01, 2013 I attended church as I regularly do--with one exception, I was so fricken hung over.  I had, out of guilt and shame, that morning around 4/4:30am completely shaved my head.  I could have stayed home, I have never shown to church remotely under the influence before.

Side Bar:  I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety.  Why?  It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be.  More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die."  A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know.  I've seen it before."  I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not.  today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing.  That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.

What makes me grateful about being sober?  How is this something to give thanks for?

Because I did it.  I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back.  I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle.  I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it.  I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.

What has changed?  It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land.  Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous.  Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...

There is a season~

kissed by November rain

withering gracefully

she'll rise again

faith in action

come Spring

In Anticipation

It's as if I'm on the outside looking in

Appearance of thick skin

Unwavering fidelity

Every tear that falls

     Testing me

how long, O' Lord, how long

As the rose a gift to the thorn                                              

Pleasure and pain coexist

Who am I to question why

But a fool shall hastily pluck

     Disciplining me

how long, O' Lord, how long

Lovelier a bouquet

Patiently enduring day to day

Leaving all be trusting in Thee

Bearing hope until the day

     In anticipation, waiting 

If I May

heavy-laden 'tis this heart of mine
deeply troubled, my soul

head-shit gets so out of control
Mother Nature, on steroids 

smoke clears
yellow tape, "Disaster Area"                            

yep, 'twas I who ripped through
her(e), head in hands

in Jesus Christ we are forgiven
thanks be to God, however

if I may be so bold
I am so sorry I hurt you, I pray daily...

"...and there you have the facts of life"

Awoke without a hitch just a few minutes past six.  After topping off the cat dishes and starting the caffeine IV drip, I turned the TV on and caught the last 15 minutes of "The Facts of Life."

It was the episode where Jo and Blair go back home for the weekend, each staying with a long time friend and separately have their own same experiences; realizing their friends are "the same."  Jo has an experience with her long time friend, who maintains the old Bronx "us against them" rough and tumble rude attitude, who soon takes to getting angry that Jo has changed since being away at Eastland boarding school.  Taking shots like; when you're there do you drink with your pinkie up?  Or down?

The scene takes place at the Bronx community center where Jo's friend gets riled up at some elder men playing checkers all because they asked if she could pick up two they dropped.  She again gets riled up, trying to rile the Jo she once knew to join her in defacing a newly finished, Spanish mural.  The end result was a scuffle where Jo takes the can of spray paint and points out the beauty of the mural and that the turf Jesse is sabotaging out of hostile stick-to-itiveness is a community center--and they are all part of the same community.  This leaves Jo's friend exiting with a stay somewhere else because now you're on "their side"-unity within community's side.


Meanwhile Blair has a very similar visit with her friend from an equally affluent background.  Her friend having a gathering and the maid is MIA.  This is a travesty and unacceptable and everything is ruined moment.  After trying to reason her friend into it isn't the end of the world, Blair grabs an apron deciding to make tuna salad, happily.  Her friend thinks this is no time for jokes or even worse - Blair knows how to use a can opener! The whole time Blair combats small jabs about how, clearly, it is the poor influence of the once well revered now will just let "anyone" in Eastland boarding school. 

The maid arrives after having a tooth extracted and points out to Blair's friend how everything is preset and that she is on schedule.  Blatant disregard and disrespect for the maid upsets Blair and she asks the maid how her tooth is.  This inquiring riles up Blair's friend enough to make the point that Blair has become something undesirable; "on her side"-the maid's side.


As Blair meets up with Jo at the coffee shop to head back to Eastland, they have a love hate relationship mind you, without saying much at all, they realize they are grateful to have each other and that the words, "the same" bear both sadness and gladness.



I found this particularly timely this morning as just yesterday I struggled with thoughts of is this "normal" that people get upset when I'm growing and changing in positive ways?  Is it "normal" that I see those negative and unhealthy more and more the stronger the positive and healthy becomes?  It is "normal" to feel some try to rile the 'old me' up?  Is it "normal" some will get upset with my growth?  Is it "normal" I question my positive strides because I'm feeling some resistance around me?

Yes; 
bearing both sadness and gladness!

'desocialize'

I have mental problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal Bipolar cycle. 

Church is the only place I can take a break from myself.  I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break.  From those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field, etc. you need a break.  I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or "stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater "prep-work." 

     Train of thought:  at church I get a break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:

     It means a lot for me to be able to feel uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often.  I don't want to talk to people who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break.  I don't want folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air.  I don't want folks to take away from my time of being able to receive.  Receive Peace.  Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able) to just rest and enjoy Presence.  I know many come on Sunday and like to socialize, cool!  I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but,  desocialize.  That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize).  If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that.  Or about some type of spiritual thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in.  If you want to ask how I am feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here, no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk. 

     I guess my point is what I need is for folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather you didn't, during this time.  If you want to be part of my "wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" -  you just can't be part of my life when I am "okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm really understanding there!  I will still gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my break from myself.  My needed time away from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.

I can no longer "settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making too.  I cannot be settling my time there anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain.  By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open for repeated "malnutrition."  

     I know this is kind of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:

     I, literally, have a team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form healthy relationships among those I worship with.  I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I need to do.  I really am one who won't stand in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.  

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.