It Begins With

Happy New Year!

"Drive In Drive Out"
Listen Here

I hear more than I like to...
so I boil my head in a sense of humor...
I laugh at what I cannot change...
I throw it all on the pyre again...go then and do this
I'd do it for you...
when all that I want is so badly to be...
by myself again...
it's going to drive me right out of my brain 

Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out
I'll come back again
Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out 

I don't care if we all turn to waste...
so when I beg...you avoid me...because I smell of dirt... hungry,
hungry boy...you won't leave me all alone...the boy won't go 

Sooner or later we're done
Sooner or later I'm gone
because, because
Sooner or later we're gone
Sooner away 

Ooh, my head is pounding now...god has all but left me behind...
not a sense of worry...I'm going to drive in and drive out again
Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out I'll come
Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out 

I'm over this arrangement...
around here...emptiness
sounded so good...I want to
drive you right into my world 

Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out I'll come
Drive in drive out I'm leaving
Drive in drive out

"...and there you have the facts of life"

Awoke without a hitch just a few minutes past six.  After topping off the cat dishes and starting the caffeine IV drip, I turned the TV on and caught the last 15 minutes of "The Facts of Life."

It was the episode where Jo and Blair go back home for the weekend, each staying with a long time friend and separately have their own same experiences; realizing their friends are "the same."  Jo has an experience with her long time friend, who maintains the old Bronx "us against them" rough and tumble rude attitude, who soon takes to getting angry that Jo has changed since being away at Eastland boarding school.  Taking shots like; when you're there do you drink with your pinkie up?  Or down?

The scene takes place at the Bronx community center where Jo's friend gets riled up at some elder men playing checkers all because they asked if she could pick up two they dropped.  She again gets riled up, trying to rile the Jo she once knew to join her in defacing a newly finished, Spanish mural.  The end result was a scuffle where Jo takes the can of spray paint and points out the beauty of the mural and that the turf Jesse is sabotaging out of hostile stick-to-itiveness is a community center--and they are all part of the same community.  This leaves Jo's friend exiting with a stay somewhere else because now you're on "their side"-unity within community's side.


Meanwhile Blair has a very similar visit with her friend from an equally affluent background.  Her friend having a gathering and the maid is MIA.  This is a travesty and unacceptable and everything is ruined moment.  After trying to reason her friend into it isn't the end of the world, Blair grabs an apron deciding to make tuna salad, happily.  Her friend thinks this is no time for jokes or even worse - Blair knows how to use a can opener! The whole time Blair combats small jabs about how, clearly, it is the poor influence of the once well revered now will just let "anyone" in Eastland boarding school. 

The maid arrives after having a tooth extracted and points out to Blair's friend how everything is preset and that she is on schedule.  Blatant disregard and disrespect for the maid upsets Blair and she asks the maid how her tooth is.  This inquiring riles up Blair's friend enough to make the point that Blair has become something undesirable; "on her side"-the maid's side.


As Blair meets up with Jo at the coffee shop to head back to Eastland, they have a love hate relationship mind you, without saying much at all, they realize they are grateful to have each other and that the words, "the same" bear both sadness and gladness.



I found this particularly timely this morning as just yesterday I struggled with thoughts of is this "normal" that people get upset when I'm growing and changing in positive ways?  Is it "normal" that I see those negative and unhealthy more and more the stronger the positive and healthy becomes?  It is "normal" to feel some try to rile the 'old me' up?  Is it "normal" some will get upset with my growth?  Is it "normal" I question my positive strides because I'm feeling some resistance around me?

Yes; 
bearing both sadness and gladness!

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.

--Thinking about change and growth

Growing older used to scare the hell out of me,

a lot of hearing about:

The must find someone

or

The need to find someone

for this existence.

Must have a plan, called to?

or

Find purpose (like it's lost),

to exist.

I often felt a very inadequate

cold and lonely presence

I am ever so thankful that those days are behind me--

The real deal is so matter-of-fact:

As Billie Holiday says:

"Ain't nobody's business if I do

Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business

Nobody's business if I do…"

As Billy Idol says:

"Well there's nothing to lose

And there's nothing to prove

I'll be dancing with myself…"

"True Self--who you are in God and who God is in you--and to live a generous life from that Infinite Source." --Fr. Richard Rohr

TV Preacher Hits Home Run

When I fired up the TV this morning it was some TV preacher preaching to a huge, packed, convention center somewhere. I was still fumbling about feeding boys(cats), starting coffee and opening windows but I was stopped dead in my tracks…

He was preaching something I've never heard preached--The Song of Solomon. There is a song by Kate Bush I love based on the Song of Solomon, but that really has nothing to do with this, but I do indeed like Kate Bush! Anyway, he was preaching everything I have come into living and feeling and believing and knowing for myself, true self. He points out how there is a very small bit of sexual intimacy within the book of Solomon, it is conversation. It is intimacy on a whole other level, a level in which God wants for us to know. Lying with one is a step taken too soon often, not truly knowing pure and absolute intimacy with God as well as another. He then was going on about how sexual attraction is an extremely strong emotion, especially when one loves another. It is important to keep those emotions in check (Paul speaks of this a few times, if you cannot then marry. If you can, remain unmarried.), not only because it is Biblically so but because the way to true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. That is where this television preacher had me--true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing.

He did go on "for the young people out there" if you think marriage is one big sexual encounter from the time you say I do until you drag your tired feet through the pearly gates, you are way off base and anyone here in a committed relationship can probably tell you better than anyone just how true this is! LOL 

My rambling here is what I caught before this program ended and my coffee was done, however, where he had me was preaching Solomon and the; true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. This is solely where he had me for reasons I never knew why in the past, often asked "why, what's wrong with you?" It was wrong not wanting to, it was wrong not wanting to.
What is wrong with me that something feels so empty and crushing if the opposite of this is wrong, this is supposed to be right. Often my "afterglow" thoughts, not very afterglow in reality.

I've always, in hindsight, known the right path for me is not sexual intimacy. Hearing this television preacher for a few moments has cast a Job-like light for me…I am of no gender or orientation here because the way for me here is not sexual intimacy and ya know what, there's nothing wrong with me! There’s never been anything wrong with me!!

Now, I am not sharing this as a this is the way for all. Nope, we all are different and ya know what, whatever your way is--there's nothing wrong with you!!

*This Pic Hangs Near My Desk:

Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

ME

Crucified and risen with Him, once again--

I am feeling compelled to say/clarify that I am really of no real gender in this temporary place. The vehicle given to me is that of a woman, "she." For a better understanding, as I have felt it since about six, yes 6 years old: There is a reason I am missing my penis! Society telling me I am a little girl so you like little boys--okay, nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are a lesbian so you like not just women but lesbian women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are transgendered so you like straight women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me (or a person I knew in the 90's) maybe you're a gay man--nope, I am sure that won't work.

How about I am myself and what I do or don't do, have or lack is between me and God, often the thoughts I have.

Let me tell you what I actually know and knew all growing up;
I will never marry. I am not like other folks who are wired for earthly formalities. I have the soul of a man and a poet no less, almost Sage like--yes Sage. Neither here nor there, moving on: I was born a EUNUCH if a label helps.
(However, I did fulfill the "procreate purpose" in 1993)

I was born and named Michelle Lynn Albee and within a few months of birth named Tiger, Tie for short. Except my Grandma Albee spelled it Tyger and I always liked it best that way but my mom hated she did that. Until 3rd grade teachers called me "Tiger" then I was told I had to use my "real name" as others made that call for me, "real."

The real of it is for me, until I am made aware of my body I don't see myself gendered…buying bras--that's an awareness, PMS an awareness, you get the picture wink emoticonI am not in search of my body so to speak, I have one here, it is what it is and as you see it. Now, my eternal life I already see and know that body that is how and why I am comfortable just being me…

I have no desire what so ever in "changing" anything or fit a "label" or "conform" to anything.
In the early 1990's and mid 1990's two of my 3 'serious' (attempts at) relationships with (straight) women brought me home books on sex change. That was the terminology then. I read and pondered to come back to it would ultimately be so that others saw what I already did and do. I am created in God's image, I see what He does who cares if others don't. I married God; vowed, faithful, commitment.

The moral of this story is I wear what I like, hair what I like and do as I do because that is me, not to be or become, fit into or be seen as; "X" "Y" or "Z."

My "real" label I had stamped on my neck in 2009 for if and when I NEED one: MLA

I am here for purposes and my purposes need no gender identity. What people use, she, he, it, hey you, crazy, I don't really care, honest. I understand we live in a place where we need pronouns and labels to make our way but please know I personally don't live them nor am defined by them.

In transition: to see and be what He, the Risen Christ, shows me and leads me…
                                                                        ME

 smile emoticon

A New Year's Awakening

A New Year's Awakening:

•  I really found our Sunday (01/10/16) speaker quite enlightening.  I do have the “color blindness” she spoke of, though I value the great depth, contributions and uniqueness of other colors and cultures, I had no idea of the over all umbrella - that being upper hand geared toward white male America.  Just a great enlightenment.

• Also, since adding a Spiritual director to my life recently, I find so much new depth in “be(ing) still and know that I am God.”  I have always been a contemplative and prayerful individual and thus, this just helps the Holy Spirit and I move, connect and flow with greater ease.

• I find lately my noticing more and more the lack of the “true self” in a great chunk of today’s society.  Seems all so caught up in we democrats, we republicans, we Christians, we Presbyterians…we this and we that and our traditions and our values.  Yet, many struggle to self identify outside those things, even within those things actually.  Identity found outside rather than within.  Could be why I often find it hard to relate, as well as, a huge lack of interest to relate!  I can generally relate to many who are in tune with their true selves or striving to be and think outside the conventional boxes.

• Additionally, over this past Advent season weaned myself out of the “care taker” or “peer councilor” role and am at a place of discernment.  Broadening myself outside of church a bit, while remaining at the same time—my Spiritual, mental and sobriety needs are met amongst much of the prayerful quiet times I find there and the extracurricular groups, etc.  However, I have steeped, like a tea bag, for a bit over three years and I am being called to “be still” while exploring my Disciple/Apostleship.  

• Being I write, mainly Spirit filled poetry, prose, short essays, and pondering mantras…this may move me into an area where I can reach and engage people of my age or even younger, which is something that the churches struggle to do.

It feels like 2016 is a wilderness walk for me, outside of normal, conventional methods of which I am familiar or accustomed.  This is all a very big change.  I am excited and have no idea what to expect—I am okay with that!  The key "popping" piece right now is in; “be still and know that I am God.”  

I see, feel and have been living still is not idle.  Even when I was physically idle with that awful upper respiratory cold at Christmas, that kept me still yet, not idle!

Peace is~

Peace is~
The tingling, warm feelings in my chest

like at any given moment my heart will burst out from within.

Peace is~
Fighting to keep my eyes open, when I am not even tired

with every eyelid flutter more soothing than the other.

Peace is~
No matter time or place, the you-ness of you existing comfortably, almost weightlessly

aware, yet, without a worry or care.

‪#‎Peace‬

Escape

imaginative fantasy; 
creative, playful
brightly colored
outside of the lines
whimsically 


furl a brow


save it for the big screen
top the box office on Christmas day


leisurely outlets;
bold, brazen
multidemensional 
stark cases of reality
with a twist
Hollywood style


escape