If I May

heavy-laden 'tis this heart of mine
deeply troubled, my soul

head-shit gets so out of control
Mother Nature, on steroids 

smoke clears
yellow tape, "Disaster Area"                            

yep, 'twas I who ripped through
her(e), head in hands

in Jesus Christ we are forgiven
thanks be to God, however

if I may be so bold
I am so sorry I hurt you, I pray daily...

The "Day's Eye"

The "Day's Eye"       



                                                     
Captured

Willingly

yet

Remained

Free~

--Thinking about change and growth

Growing older used to scare the hell out of me,

a lot of hearing about:

The must find someone

or

The need to find someone

for this existence.

Must have a plan, called to?

or

Find purpose (like it's lost),

to exist.

I often felt a very inadequate

cold and lonely presence

I am ever so thankful that those days are behind me--

The real deal is so matter-of-fact:

As Billie Holiday says:

"Ain't nobody's business if I do

Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business

Nobody's business if I do…"

As Billy Idol says:

"Well there's nothing to lose

And there's nothing to prove

I'll be dancing with myself…"

"True Self--who you are in God and who God is in you--and to live a generous life from that Infinite Source." --Fr. Richard Rohr

Priorities

What's really sad to me, is the media creating more crap rather than helping to bridge the gap.  I know, many disagree with this, I took a small beating on Twitter (shrugs)!  However, I regret perhaps that some can't see the advantage true media could have in today's times.  As if so 'brainwashed' by cheap media, scare and ratings tactics that anything outside that is problematic (ratings v. unbiased fact and positive change).
Maybe I am not wording correctly.

I know that I am not out there being angry and hateful and stirring pots to get heated reactions.  I am not out there with a heart of hurting people or nature.  I am not out there with a soul filled with me, me, me...
Yet, I feel at times held accountable for those who are.

My catch phase is; "sorry."  Even when I have done nothing; I am bumped into, I say, "sorry" I see someone belittled somewhere by another, if I have opportunity, I say "I'm sorry."

Because ya know what, this current state the whole world is in, not just America, is pathetically sorry!

Maybe I am a blind fool and should just keep my head down and mouth shut, which is what many have told me in my life, but when I feel something deeply it is as if wild horses are dragging it out...

What I feel right now is a whole lot of many emotions at once and the media, our local media is stoking the fire.  FYI, it's Summer and we don't need any more heat.

I shall say no more, just keep on keeping on, with my head bowed down and my hands clasped together, for prayer is greater than words.

A New Year's Awakening

A New Year's Awakening:

•  I really found our Sunday (01/10/16) speaker quite enlightening.  I do have the “color blindness” she spoke of, though I value the great depth, contributions and uniqueness of other colors and cultures, I had no idea of the over all umbrella - that being upper hand geared toward white male America.  Just a great enlightenment.

• Also, since adding a Spiritual director to my life recently, I find so much new depth in “be(ing) still and know that I am God.”  I have always been a contemplative and prayerful individual and thus, this just helps the Holy Spirit and I move, connect and flow with greater ease.

• I find lately my noticing more and more the lack of the “true self” in a great chunk of today’s society.  Seems all so caught up in we democrats, we republicans, we Christians, we Presbyterians…we this and we that and our traditions and our values.  Yet, many struggle to self identify outside those things, even within those things actually.  Identity found outside rather than within.  Could be why I often find it hard to relate, as well as, a huge lack of interest to relate!  I can generally relate to many who are in tune with their true selves or striving to be and think outside the conventional boxes.

• Additionally, over this past Advent season weaned myself out of the “care taker” or “peer councilor” role and am at a place of discernment.  Broadening myself outside of church a bit, while remaining at the same time—my Spiritual, mental and sobriety needs are met amongst much of the prayerful quiet times I find there and the extracurricular groups, etc.  However, I have steeped, like a tea bag, for a bit over three years and I am being called to “be still” while exploring my Disciple/Apostleship.  

• Being I write, mainly Spirit filled poetry, prose, short essays, and pondering mantras…this may move me into an area where I can reach and engage people of my age or even younger, which is something that the churches struggle to do.

It feels like 2016 is a wilderness walk for me, outside of normal, conventional methods of which I am familiar or accustomed.  This is all a very big change.  I am excited and have no idea what to expect—I am okay with that!  The key "popping" piece right now is in; “be still and know that I am God.”  

I see, feel and have been living still is not idle.  Even when I was physically idle with that awful upper respiratory cold at Christmas, that kept me still yet, not idle!

Thursday's Chew-Bit

One of the most attractive things about living simply, modestly and minimally is being uncomplicated.

Anyone who has known me in past lives to knowing me presently I am confident could attest that minimal comfort is how I thrive and grow and think and behave at my best.  I am not just talking material minimal comfort either; Spiritually and mentally and physically.

My Achilles heel, over-thinking, complicating my being creating things.

So hyperaware to the viscous circle of complication seen nearly everywhere, self included, often out of my mouth or in my head; "I/some folks waste so much time trying to complicate things."  It is almost as if it is easier to create things anxiously than to be at peace rationally.

A world of want what we want when we want it--more and more, faster and faster...

Creating things = convenient
              vs.
Being things = inconvenient

Continuing w/ Weekend Mantras

I have felt exhausted the last several days, yet still pondering a few things...



On Tuesday, the 24th, I felt moved to "try something":

Today I will be attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives...
Journaling my feelings, thoughts, etc and photos (where applicable).
I feel this may benefit my Lenten journey in many multilayered ways!

Wednesday, the 25th:

I will continue this practice [attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives] for a bit--I must confess it was an extremely positive day yesterday. From seeing a good friend, gathering some connecting info for another, text 'banter' with a few and being kindly noticed, greeted and updated by a prior RAIHN guest and their amazing happenings...never-the-less, one thing I did notice in trying to focus toward the not so goods was a feeling of unnatural for me. 
I found it easier to look to find fault with myself than anywhere or anyone else... interesting!

Later that evening attending the "Living Waters Wednesday" service and getting so lost in the lightness I felt.  So calm, peaceful; sax, guitar and piano singing hymns--gave me tingles up my spine and head.  So just one with the Holy Spirit that the trance type feelings I often experience were amplified to the point of it was just God and I there.  

It was/is very telling to me that I am beyond trying to focus unnaturally.  

Not to say I don't see or feel negatives ever, or am never negative, rather a noticing I did find a fault within myself...a positive fault...GROWTH!

The popping for me all week, from our Thursday noon group Lenten readings:

-After...disciples remembered...they believed...  taken from John 2:22
-...did not understand...at first...then they remembered...  taken from John 12:16

So, my brief "left with"

Twenty-twenty hindsight can be the most wonderful "Blessons"  Amen!

Love the Concept!

Let me start by saying:

I follow Spiritual Truths on Twitter and on Facebook; "Leon Brown," I wouldn't do so if I didn't like the quotes, concepts, etc.  If nothing resonated or inspired me, I wouldn't bother.




Love the concept!

For it really isn't about the world's second chance--it is about God's continuing grace; accepting & 

repenting...focusing above and all else secondary. Allowing His will to be done on earth as it is in 

heaven. Then you will be changed (constantly) hence, seeing change(s).

Take Me Out

A recent unfiltered pop-fly:

"I only go to bat
when the pitcher won't quit throwing--
dammit, I prefer the peanuts and cracker jacks."

Back in the day
I didn't give a damn.
I went straight to the mound,
rocking one hell of a fast ball
straight to the plate
with a slight knuckle curve and just enough spin
it looked so 'sweet-spot'
one could hardly refrain from swinging.

As they pulled themselves up, dusted off
with a mixed look of shock, anger and dismay
often following.

I'd grin,
momentarily pleased,
as the ump hollered
"take your base!"

I had no issue walking anyone
"just in case"
caring not about the aftermath's

I AM, thanks be to God,
my own proof
one can dig deep,
repent,
change
and be changed...


"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you..."  Luke 11:9

Wednesday Thoughts and Prayers

Environment [negative or positive]

may impact parts of ourselves

becoming a product of it

is however

a choice...

Wednesday thoughts and prayers!

Excluded.

http://m.13wham.com/article?id=4634956&categoryid=1096&election=&provider=  (controversy over opening meetings with prayer)
Personally, this small step is a victory, I am not a Greece resident.

When I was in sixth grade, some thirty years ago, one morning during the beginning of the Pledge of Allegiance "the new kid" (whose name I still recall) said he couldn't say it.

I grew up in the 'farm country' of New York, where you said the Pledge and we also learned Darwinism along with Creationism.

Needless to say, all eyes on the boy as the teacher asked politely why not.  He was Canadian was his answer as well as in more laymen terms, it would go against his allegiance to Canada.  He was excluded from having to do so and allowed to sit down.

None of us ever thought negatively, more respect for his loyalty.  Later on we learned much about Canada, including the national anthem, which we gladly added to our morning routine at some point.

No lawyers, lawsuits, anger or disrespect, that I recall.  Just proving things can always be worked out.

I myself am mindful to approach things positively, maybe an eye brow raised time to time, though always willing to listen and work.  

I am curious why there's no HUGE deal about "In God We Trust" on our money.  All people use it, jus' sayin' -- things that make you go hmmmm

Inwardly Turning

One of the reasons Advent is my preference to Lent is the consuming joy felt.
Lent being more a cumbersome, somber state of affairs.

Turned inward,

distant from the world around

focus heavily amongst the spiritual realm.

Balance not a strong suit

often confused

misunderstood

finding the "grey" area

not the issue at all ...

Quite contrary

that is indeed

residency

majorly.



Often voiced;

old soul, wrong place in time,

hard to relate.

Stemming way back,

spiritual side preference

as opposed to this earthly nonsense.


One who comforts immensely knowing--
"Thy kingdom come, Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven"



As this Lenten season progresses

continue observing

taken up;

wake-up,

did deep wilderness walking

calling ...

Mindful after three days

Christ risen from the dead

walked among the living again--

Still teaching.

Working.

Walking.

Via our

hearts, hands and feet...

The Forty Years

Recall as a small child thinking life was one big board game.
Everyone and everything in the world strategically placed
against me ...

Recall as well, many questions about God, Heaven, Death and Spirits.
Even though a small child, I felt I got the just of it
found it comforting and okay
even though some things explained were a little creepy.

Go ahead say I'm just a cub, still wet behind the ears,
what could I possibly know about life in Forty and a half years ...

Well, my friends, in the dozen or more should've been deads,
how the hell did I walk away from thats,
suicide attempts,
what did I do to deserve this
skin of my teeth
to safety's

during most of which faith pushed to broken
flipped God off and cursed His name
to the point of saying in vain is quite an understatement ...

Wasn't until twenty-nine and a half I heard it loud and clear;
I left you?

Go ahead "vet me" I tell you true;

He had enough, my not picking up what He's putting down
even during the bullshit.

Took me out,
could barely stand,
unsure of my own name, for almost 14 days.
Going from 2003 to 2013 in my mind, unsure which was which ...

In time out now, knowing fully time is running out,
I have been given a decade to decide ...
Live or Die!

Moral of the story;

I turned forty last August.
Fifty pounds lighter.
Eating healthy and exercising.
Not a drop to drink since 08-31-13.
More stable and mentally sound than I HAVE EVER BEEN.
Happy, whole and ME

All because God
NEVER LEFT ME ...
Ever,
for I truly am His!!!

Still Breath

Who knows the
Who
What
When
Where
Why
and how?
Only God does.

There are
Ups
Downs
Good days
Bad days
In betweens
Still breath in all of it
even at times when pain supersedes.

Through the thick and thin
it is He I call on for grace and strength through all of it.

Close knit circle of friends
in addition
for I am richly blessed and full...

Thanks be to God for the gift of all...

To It All

Point of origin untraceable, not locatable
unimportant
called out from the dust and ash
grabbed my boot straps
up, standing here.
Dusted off, reclaimed my identity -

Not saying painless
torched bridges, cleaned house
changed directions
no looking back
yes, all healthy decisions.

New spaces opened, created, inhabited
unlimited.
See saw the Holy Spirit at work
put the gloves down
passport away
acoustic sound
all incredible.

So much, so far, in so little time
very content with all the happenings.
No regrets, not finished yet
always in progress and process.

Blissfully watching, waiting and anticipating Christ's arrival
giving thanks for all things past as well as,  yet to come...

Really!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgJLTmgWLog&feature=share&list=PLqNVnrtEQr-0Cqy9jXBOqa7kv5WHkX5rO&index=32

I'm a guy who talks too much

not the stereotypical bullshit one would assume

every word I speak is heartfelt truth.

I cannot help that at times it's overwhelming

or OMG just shut up -

I really do try.

Like throwing Mentos in Coca Cola

and shaking it up

yep, if it doesn't come out 

feels just like Imma explode 

bustin' the bottle apart.

The deeper the feelings

the more that fills my heart

outlet - needing to be shared.

So, my apologies

if saying too much is bothersome...

Word.

True dat.

That's just who I am,

Really!

Ty Albee

Forever Is Good Reason

Ever changing, constantly in motion
grand scheme of things
unknown to us human beings.

Everything for a reason
   certain people
   certain places
   certain times -

Missed opportunities?
Missed chances?
Doors close so others may open?

Divine intervention

Revolutionary uncertainty
leap of faith, untethered
trusting God has got you...

A whole new world revealed
unconditional love, happiness and purpose
forever entrusted with you...

Onward and Outward

There are some, believe it or not,
who would much rather
I had not pulled myself up.

To those I offer the finger
times two
I'm quite certain
knowing me the way you do
you are very aware which ones I refer to.

Additionally, I offer you
forgiveness.

You all have no clue
how well you benefited me,
actually.

Had to go under construction
for a decade,
HOWEVER-
retooled, regrouped, rebuilt
restructured,
limited edition and tricked out.
Thanks be to God.

You can't touch me now!

A Sincere Thank You!

We've all been there a time or two
even more
locking horns
battle of wits
wanting so bad to even the score
son of a bitch

Taking everything you had
not just monetarily
flesh picked clean
still ravaging

Not satisfied yet
push you past the breaking point
become someone you're not
you loathe the type

Try to walk away
nipping at your heels
knowing oh so well
how to take you down
you've been vulnerable

Like a knife through the heart
followed by brass knuckles to the jaw

You are left lying there
wondering where you went wrong
how you could have ever said
I love you...

New Growth...

Majestically beautiful--
wonderment and awe
beyond minds comprehension
volcanic eruption
awakening of the heart.

Muse-like.
Complementary.
Every deed,
action,
Word; spoken/unspoken.
Deep seeded connection
worth every bit of modest investment

for healthy growth

cultivate honestly and purely
reap what you sow.

Firmly planted, tended to,
weathering even the worst of storms
perhaps, some damage
time to time.
Scars, grown over
proving stronger reinforcement...

New growth can happen, even when things appear bleak...

*Love Don't Die, by The Fray in the ears for this here.


"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation."  ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17