*wink*

*wink*

no more masking

said one hundred twenty three times, easily,

randomly pulling this number out of my ass,

like most things done

and or said

in my closing in on forty six years here;

no longer having to hide

I'm a bit mentally behind,

second guessing

what is meant by a lot of things,

afraid to inquire,

behind closed doors

googling simple things,

often more confused and scared

than anyone could fathom;

hell, if I said it out loud

you'd laugh—I'm so funny like that...

Popeye had his spinach

I chose 'liquid courage',

seat of my pants and ass-backward

could care less

like Pigpen's cloud of dust

high functioning drunk,

add in mental illnesses and what do you get?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 and the Oscar goes to--

Miss Albee

AKA one hot fricken' mess...

SN: with a “killer smile” & really great hair! 

*wink*

to the untrained eye

just trying to find my way,

“What Color Is Your Parachute?”,

yeah, I had a friend gift me this is the early 1990's...

hitting my knees-literally-in 2007

screaming, what I now know to be a lament,

followed by a bureaucratic “fall from Grace” ~

tripped, without missing a step,

into the arms of God-literally-

sober, closing in on six years,

and vice free...

here's to closing in on 46 more years here

*wink*

days till 46

In Out-Out and In

I came across this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon this morning and am being flooded with just how true the realization of this is, I.e.: Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

Not to downplay Outreach ministries or the work of  the Church, Deacons, Elders, Program Staff, etc. or anything like that, rather, stir it all up a bit more.

One thing I can recall vividly my 1^st Sunday service, was the use of the word “inreach” and I was sold! I was seeking a new church and I felt I needed you to take care of me and when I joined as a member I took my questions seriously and you had me there, too – to take care of you. What has changed or shifted is the meaning of inreach has morphed into personal development; maintaining mental stability, Spiritual growth, fasting and prayer (1 Peter 2:1-3).

I am not who I was when I showed up at your doorstep wandering lost, lonely, broken, addicted to alcohol/cigarettes and in need—dire need—I was literally going to die...You stirred up to love and encouraged now faith and good works, the type Christ charges us to live and do, freely flow, everywhere I go, additionally I offer you all the greatest gift I can by taking care of myself—you did that! Had no idea, huh, that is how powerful the life in Christ is; Faith and Hope, Peace and Love – the cornerstone of Outreach;

Brothers and Sisters  "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish for people."  - let us keep that in mind in our ministries, even the day-to-day mundane, perhaps using the words of Jim Rohn let us encourage others with a mere “take care of you for me”.

Five Candles - Jars of Clay

Poached

Needs not met the way I am
subtly,
convinced I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

            Blind

Like a TV drama where you see
someone coming out of a coma or something...
hazy rippling
conscious, subconscious back and forth
usually followed by;
where am I?
this isn't home?
how did I get here?
Ripped from who you are, unaware.
Questions now, not okay,
stay in the haze - immunity...


            Now I See

Needs not met the way I am
subtly convinced
I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

Ripped from who I am,
Thanks be to God for finding me!

ME

Crucified and risen with Him, once again--

I am feeling compelled to say/clarify that I am really of no real gender in this temporary place. The vehicle given to me is that of a woman, "she." For a better understanding, as I have felt it since about six, yes 6 years old: There is a reason I am missing my penis! Society telling me I am a little girl so you like little boys--okay, nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are a lesbian so you like not just women but lesbian women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are transgendered so you like straight women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me (or a person I knew in the 90's) maybe you're a gay man--nope, I am sure that won't work.

How about I am myself and what I do or don't do, have or lack is between me and God, often the thoughts I have.

Let me tell you what I actually know and knew all growing up;
I will never marry. I am not like other folks who are wired for earthly formalities. I have the soul of a man and a poet no less, almost Sage like--yes Sage. Neither here nor there, moving on: I was born a EUNUCH if a label helps.
(However, I did fulfill the "procreate purpose" in 1993)

I was born and named Michelle Lynn Albee and within a few months of birth named Tiger, Tie for short. Except my Grandma Albee spelled it Tyger and I always liked it best that way but my mom hated she did that. Until 3rd grade teachers called me "Tiger" then I was told I had to use my "real name" as others made that call for me, "real."

The real of it is for me, until I am made aware of my body I don't see myself gendered…buying bras--that's an awareness, PMS an awareness, you get the picture wink emoticonI am not in search of my body so to speak, I have one here, it is what it is and as you see it. Now, my eternal life I already see and know that body that is how and why I am comfortable just being me…

I have no desire what so ever in "changing" anything or fit a "label" or "conform" to anything.
In the early 1990's and mid 1990's two of my 3 'serious' (attempts at) relationships with (straight) women brought me home books on sex change. That was the terminology then. I read and pondered to come back to it would ultimately be so that others saw what I already did and do. I am created in God's image, I see what He does who cares if others don't. I married God; vowed, faithful, commitment.

The moral of this story is I wear what I like, hair what I like and do as I do because that is me, not to be or become, fit into or be seen as; "X" "Y" or "Z."

My "real" label I had stamped on my neck in 2009 for if and when I NEED one: MLA

I am here for purposes and my purposes need no gender identity. What people use, she, he, it, hey you, crazy, I don't really care, honest. I understand we live in a place where we need pronouns and labels to make our way but please know I personally don't live them nor am defined by them.

In transition: to see and be what He, the Risen Christ, shows me and leads me…
                                                                        ME

 smile emoticon

Live Lovingly

One day, when time and space matter not;

I know it is your heart

meant to beat

with mine...

Tornado of The Soul

essence riveting 
depth of depths
so immense
aesthetically pleasing
expansile breath
dropped to my knees 
intoxicating

only known with thee
seen not seemingly
your presence enticing 
silence, softly spoken
alone, comfortably accompanied 

keyed to the lock
prayerfully 
lovingly tucked in 
abiding within the tender eye...

dust engulfed
onlookers, passersby
profess: 
head in the clouds
foolishness
loss of reality...

     tornado of the soul

Unite In Love

A conversation with a friend-

"What can we, people like you and me, do to help all the violence going on right now?"
Of course, like most people feeling helpless and yes some frustration.

(I personally take offense to being lumped into some privileged category. I also tire of it being forgotten there is but ONE RACE and I feel we should stop the labels and tags and moving forward be ONE RACE. Stop the blame unite in love)

My reply;  "well, I guess the best thing we can, you and me, do is to not be part of the problem."

My reply to the churches are being said not to be doing enough;
"All church doors are open. All are welcome. No fee is required to enter."

My reply to a few other varied things;

"Change yes, begins with oneself - no one can change another. Best we can do is set a good example and pray."

"Christ has to be met where one themselves meets Him to know Him."

In our convo a how would a million dollars help and where would it best be utilized...

My reply; "throwing dollar upon dollar at problems is a bandaid on a broken arm. One of our shootings was at a boys and girls club, so money is not the number one need. Always a first thought though if you think about it." 

Peace cannot be $paid.00 for - Christ already did that!

Spiritual Obesity

Obesity has made all kinds of headlines whether they are public or private.  However, the obesity I am talking about is--Spiritual Obesity.


Weighed down, hard to move about without some discomfort - struggles only the one actually living Spiritually obese truly feels.


I had been feeling so Spiritually obese recently that I just kept in prayer...contemplative prayer:

Among the things I realised is it was my 'diet'!  My tastes have continued to change, more and more toward healthier choices.  Those whom walk unsavory paths leave a long after bitter taste.  Those I take with a grain of salt are well, too salty and 'water weight.'  
I guess I am seeing where a lot of my 'empty calories' come from.

I continued changing my 'diet' and praying.  Among the questions that came to me was:

"Which bread shall you eat of?"
There are a lot more pages filled and post-it notes than I have shared here though, when I take my place at the table of life here everyday, I will silently chew on the bread of Life as I ponder the 'menu' options...

I will share, I am 'exercising' in addition to thinking about what I ingest!
(Let me not forget the 'intolerance's and allergies' that don't set well)





"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit..."

CHRISTmas Everyday

Christmas Everyday                              

                   

People fear love,
people don't fear sex as much,
people fear, love.
Especially God's Love
manifested humanly.

     Christ the Flow

Moving us into communities of God's Love;

stirs up heart and soulful things
not groin and loin--
tingling from head to feet
in this place
filled with You.

It is about Love:

Human
Transient
Temporary

     Christ the Bridge                                                          

Spiritual
Everlasting
Permanent


     Christ the Messiah

Keeping us close;

sharing on another level,
quiet and service and gratitude--
purest of pure, truest of true,
love,

God's Love, Christmas everyday.

Not Really All That Prophetic

Until I realised what seems meant by the words I heard; (see "Won't You Join Me")

"You are not here for you. You are here for Me." 

I still struggled with the state(S) of transient. (and will again!)

* I am not claiming to fully understand!
Though, I am here for God's purpose--Christ's work.

* I am deeply Spiritual and look forward to all that is and is to come from there.

* I am not a sexual being. 

* I am using/maintaining the "vehicle" given to me as Christ's hands and feet and everything in between in the best ways I know how.

* I am provided for and guided in ways that are far from just material.

* I am a believer. 

Christ came.  Christ died.  Christ rose.

* I am here to absorb what Christ needs me to. I am here to witness and share and testify. 
Not to fix, get side tracked or judge.

* I am here for You--
My life is healthy, happy and rich.  

 * I am HIS!!!  — feeling connected. 

Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation.

New Life is ours, even beginning in the 'here' just allow it.

"Just settle in"

Amen.

Continuing w/ Weekend Mantras

I have felt exhausted the last several days, yet still pondering a few things...



On Tuesday, the 24th, I felt moved to "try something":

Today I will be attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives...
Journaling my feelings, thoughts, etc and photos (where applicable).
I feel this may benefit my Lenten journey in many multilayered ways!

Wednesday, the 25th:

I will continue this practice [attempting to mindfully focus on the negatives] for a bit--I must confess it was an extremely positive day yesterday. From seeing a good friend, gathering some connecting info for another, text 'banter' with a few and being kindly noticed, greeted and updated by a prior RAIHN guest and their amazing happenings...never-the-less, one thing I did notice in trying to focus toward the not so goods was a feeling of unnatural for me. 
I found it easier to look to find fault with myself than anywhere or anyone else... interesting!

Later that evening attending the "Living Waters Wednesday" service and getting so lost in the lightness I felt.  So calm, peaceful; sax, guitar and piano singing hymns--gave me tingles up my spine and head.  So just one with the Holy Spirit that the trance type feelings I often experience were amplified to the point of it was just God and I there.  

It was/is very telling to me that I am beyond trying to focus unnaturally.  

Not to say I don't see or feel negatives ever, or am never negative, rather a noticing I did find a fault within myself...a positive fault...GROWTH!

The popping for me all week, from our Thursday noon group Lenten readings:

-After...disciples remembered...they believed...  taken from John 2:22
-...did not understand...at first...then they remembered...  taken from John 12:16

So, my brief "left with"

Twenty-twenty hindsight can be the most wonderful "Blessons"  Amen!

Week Three of Mantra'ing!

Chew-bit for this week:
"so must the Son of Man be lifted up" --John 3:14

"By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." --Ephesians 2:8

Q: What does this speak to me in the right here, right now; present day Lenten journey?
     What pops out? (a song, movie, experience, etc.)
     What am I left with regarding the above two quotes?

I am feeling an obstructed flow.

This is due to my reliance on outside or "earthly sources" that have, for the most part, helped enhance my ability to feel lifted by the Son of Man and connected to the natural Trinitarian flow.  Not to say these are unnecessary, by no means--rather secondary!

Songs:  The Stone by Jars of Clay, When You Say Nothing At All by Alison Krauss and Safe and Sound by Capital Cities

When the Trinity; God, Son & Holy Ghost are neglected to be placed first and foremost, above all else, things tend to get messy.
Messy:  obstructed natural flow and order, short circuited feelings like sparks from a downed power line.

The "power line" must be repaired to restore order for the very reasons an actual "power line" must be repaired in that condition.

Left with:

"Can I convince you to come any closer?!?"

Get directly closer to Christ and the Father; use the front door if you will, lol -- get caught up in the Holy Spirit blowing through me!!

Dark Horse by Katy Perry just popped in!

Blessed weekend thoughts, prayers and breezes...

"Mantra" For this Weekend

                                                              Weekend "mantra"

"It is not easy to stand up against your constituents or your friends or colleagues or your community 

and take a tough stand for something you believe is right. Because you always want to keep working 

and live to fight another battle and it might cost you..." -Caroline Kennedy

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither 

angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of 

hell can separate us from God's love."   - Romans 8:38-39

Stand-up for what you believe, even if it means you are standing "alone!"

Lenten Thoughts and Ponderings

The bit I am chomping on at this point is;

"Zeal for your house will consume me"  John 2:17

Last Lenten journey I went "Inwardly Turning" which is, of course, a post here in my blogspot.

Part of my Spiritual and Church life is a Thursday noon discussion group.  The texts and readings vary monthly.  I really enjoy that as well as, for the most part, it is a large part of any Spiritual and intellectual dialog for me.  This weeks reading is John 2: 13-22, where my self question is:
What does this one passage speak to you personally, today, about your Lenten journey?

My head works like a really messed up flow chart of images created by words, actions, relating cartoons, movies and music--creating articulation issues for me, jus' so ya know!

This year, I have gone by another way of trying to incorporate others.  Or Outwardly Turning, perhaps!  For some reason this is the continual popper for me; "Zeal for your house will consume me."  It just keeps resonating to good, bad and indifferent situations and incorporative ventures and efforts.  To the point that I can almost empathize via Jesus' emotions, discontent and passion on an actual real level.  It really doesn't seem to be working for me!

To some degree this almost feels as though the most valuable and hardest to swallow tid-bit here on earth is "it really doesn't matter" like the destruction of the temple--so what it has been under construction forty-six years, and in three days I will raise it, however, loopholed or mattering--not what was thought mattered and or expected...

As well as, like the disciples, after they remembered and believed.

My "answer" to my self question/reflections is another question:  Or is it working for/on me?

Why isn't my "Outwardly Turning" working or indeed is it??!!

                                                                   

Deprive vs. Sacrifice...settle down

Walking fine lines
Deprive
vs.
Sacrifice

I believe these two words get confused
as well as,
a raw deal at times.

Basic definitions:
Deprive-  prevent (a person or place) from having or using something.
Sacrifice-  an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

For myself the thought of either word,
at one time,
meant the same thing:
NO.  NO.

Even being of deep faith
NO.  NO.
brought forth feelings of:
punishment
falsity
exclusion
not fair.

Why not!?

But--this isn't a bad thing!

Okay. It's not good for me, however

everyone else is and it's okay!?.

It wasn't until the Holy Spirit moved me to seek and let go
I began to
understand
comprehend
settle down.

There are things that are not beneficial for us,
with good reason.
Also things that would be wonderful in the here and now,
of course.
Perhaps far more beneficial in another time, place and space.

For me, God's promises and my own living it
transforms the "sacrificing/depriving."

Not a worth it--a loving it
on earth
as it is in heaven!



"Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit."
Ecclesiastes 7:8

Take Me Out

A recent unfiltered pop-fly:

"I only go to bat
when the pitcher won't quit throwing--
dammit, I prefer the peanuts and cracker jacks."

Back in the day
I didn't give a damn.
I went straight to the mound,
rocking one hell of a fast ball
straight to the plate
with a slight knuckle curve and just enough spin
it looked so 'sweet-spot'
one could hardly refrain from swinging.

As they pulled themselves up, dusted off
with a mixed look of shock, anger and dismay
often following.

I'd grin,
momentarily pleased,
as the ump hollered
"take your base!"

I had no issue walking anyone
"just in case"
caring not about the aftermath's

I AM, thanks be to God,
my own proof
one can dig deep,
repent,
change
and be changed...


"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you..."  Luke 11:9

Seek--It's That Simple.

My mind is always racing, no longer in a chaotic can't keep up and keeping me up sense.  Rather, a constant lovely and refreshing sense.

Between the amazing Spirit moving sermons, day to day random human interactions; both w/ those unknown & known to me, the varied varieties of deep, spiritual thirst quenching opportunities also at church--brings forth individual as well as shared Godly relations and growing. 

Even in my required isolate downtime the above maintain not suffocate. 

They race comfortably now, from mind to feet; relaxing, restoring, exploring.  Proper displacement; Jesus working noticeably on the openings and closings!

Living, Loving, Believing

God & I talk often, all day, every day.

Jesus and I walk often, all day, every

day.

Not just in times of trouble and

saddened tears

Also sharing belly laughs and the

happiest tears!

May the Spirit unfold nothing but

God's will for you, Happy New Day!

Time To Wake Up; Soberly Sobering

Have you ever had one of those moments in time when your knees buckled?
Almost as if one of your chums came up from behind and pushed theirs into yours?

Have you ever had one of those moments when you felt time stop?

Your ears went flush, all went quiet for a moment and you realise what you just felt, felt like shock?

A jolt of everything electrically slamming into place,

as if just at the right place and time

everything Divinely aligned?

Your deepest of everything known and unknown colliding from worlds beyond--

YET, fully knowing what is going on quicker than you?

Seeing it

Living it

Infinitely multiplied by powers beyond belief. 

Know what you already possess is of great depths

through our Maker, Creator, Comforter and King...

The powers that be can

stand

tower

and do much on their own

but, combined, when these two worlds collide--

You have the most heaven sent

fully blessed

through Him

and yet to come-- beauty you own

complemented and complementing what is,

what will be

a limitless eternity--

The way God means us to be...

Inwardly Turning

One of the reasons Advent is my preference to Lent is the consuming joy felt.
Lent being more a cumbersome, somber state of affairs.

Turned inward,

distant from the world around

focus heavily amongst the spiritual realm.

Balance not a strong suit

often confused

misunderstood

finding the "grey" area

not the issue at all ...

Quite contrary

that is indeed

residency

majorly.



Often voiced;

old soul, wrong place in time,

hard to relate.

Stemming way back,

spiritual side preference

as opposed to this earthly nonsense.


One who comforts immensely knowing--
"Thy kingdom come, Your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven"



As this Lenten season progresses

continue observing

taken up;

wake-up,

did deep wilderness walking

calling ...

Mindful after three days

Christ risen from the dead

walked among the living again--

Still teaching.

Working.

Walking.

Via our

hearts, hands and feet...