Unexpectedly Extinguished

The 1st Advent candle was lit, we sang

and then, it went out.

The 1st candle was re-lit and the second candle was then lit, we sang

and then, they went out.

As if from lit to spent, my mind wound down

unexpectedly extinguished, with those candle flames.

 Without a word, familiar presence

rest well, here with me.

Softly whispered, within my chest

pen to paper;

Life in a candle

to hope is but a dance with a peaceful flame,
rekindling moments
in every wick
joyfully burning my smoldering soul
lovingly flickering

Advent fantasies...

 ^-The process -^

Saturday December 09, 2017

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.

Or...

Something came to me when I woke from a brief nap the other day. I have been kind of setting with it wondering why this phrase, being I have never heard it used before but, I think it makes semi-sense now (in the flow chart of my mind):

     [The context surrounding this statement spoken to me was I was upset that the parents of the person who was picking me up refused to even come and see this individual before we drove off. I was adamant it was not okay and quite vocal with these parents as I scurried to get ready, running late, as this individual was parked and waiting for me and my main concern was this individuals irritation at my tardiness and my not wanting to make them irritated and the lack of help from these parents was frustrating additionally. As I got in the car grumbling this individual stated this phrase as a 'I just realize']

            "you didn't kill the rose with the hose but you did cut it from the tree."

Now let's break this down a few ways; was the hose drug across the tree? Meaning intent to water something perhaps not even that rose bush/tree? Or was it the flow of water from the hose that took it from the bush/tree? Was water even a factor? Or merely the means by which we know water to come from? Could the hose have been putting out a fire, hence, extinguishing something else? Thorns, what about the thorns, were there any remaining on the one cut from the tree/bush? Thorns can be both protective and hurtful…

Water..: in the Thursday voices this was often a symbolic meaning of baptism. Water as we wash our hands even symbolic...or even watering a rose?

Rose…: Generally equated with love? Nature? Rose of Sharon? 

Now it is not killed coming off…: Still life? Mistake? Let it go?

Use of a hose…not a blade...

Hose…: Not thought of as dangerous. Thought to be means of water…water.

Intent to water? Had watered? Neglected water? Will water…will place in water?

No death. A live tree or bush. Singular rose. Cut. With a HOSE?

     Could this be telling me something so deep?? Intent vs. Impact?

     Could this be telling me something about my own biological life? Nature vs. Nurture??

I will chew on this today as now I am Spiritually energized to contemplate this! I hope you will also, as well as, all those you interact with in one way or another--a contemplative paying-it-forward, if you will...

Or could this be just half awake jumbled words heard from the TV in the room???

"God be with you 'til we meet again; loving counsels guide, uphold you, with a Shepard's care enfold you, God be with you 'til we meet again"...Amen!

Openness

Open to receive

     any and all things

     without resistance;

Preconceived, self-directed, manipulated notions

no longer will do,

     though, they time to time flutter about

     in and out of the mind

like a butterfly, effortless amongst a breeze

            Allowance...

Lust of a different kind

good, bad or indifferent;

    

Accept it.

     Hold it.

     Contemplate it.

Dance with it…

More questions than answers;

Awing and inspiring

     fear's not knee jerking

rather, gently nudged to step back

    view the landscape…

Spiritual Obesity

Obesity has made all kinds of headlines whether they are public or private.  However, the obesity I am talking about is--Spiritual Obesity.


Weighed down, hard to move about without some discomfort - struggles only the one actually living Spiritually obese truly feels.


I had been feeling so Spiritually obese recently that I just kept in prayer...contemplative prayer:

Among the things I realised is it was my 'diet'!  My tastes have continued to change, more and more toward healthier choices.  Those whom walk unsavory paths leave a long after bitter taste.  Those I take with a grain of salt are well, too salty and 'water weight.'  
I guess I am seeing where a lot of my 'empty calories' come from.

I continued changing my 'diet' and praying.  Among the questions that came to me was:

"Which bread shall you eat of?"
There are a lot more pages filled and post-it notes than I have shared here though, when I take my place at the table of life here everyday, I will silently chew on the bread of Life as I ponder the 'menu' options...

I will share, I am 'exercising' in addition to thinking about what I ingest!
(Let me not forget the 'intolerance's and allergies' that don't set well)





"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit..."