Medusa [An Annie Lennox Advent]

 Whiter Shade of Pale - Annie Lennox

 

 

If you’ve been following the bouncing-ball, ‘grateful for’ this year is a blank I am struggling to fill in.  Advent my favorite, joy-filled time of year feels intensely somber, like Medusa is lurking around the corner; gaze and be turned to stone?  Keep averting the profane normalcy of today’s society? 

Christmas hymns, seasonal festive music, movies and yes, even “A Charlie Brown Christmas” all a numb boredom…however, the album Medusa by Annie Lennox feels seasonally appropriate.

I waited for the ashes of my 17+ year feline companion “to come” home to do my decorating, yes, even my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It is not his physical absence, it is not that my physical Christmas gifts have been given, it is not that I look around seeing the physical reality of our world or even the physical reality staring back in the mirror.  Perhaps, the hidden scars & crosses I bear. 

Or perhaps, it is the real of the Christmas story; the portion lacking: infancy—adulthood of Jesus Christ–hidden.  Hidden below the surface. 

 *not my image or property*

Curious wondering with tones of I can’t even imagine.  What was Mary and Joseph’s life like those years?  Not to mention our dear little Savior–the “terrible twos” to the awkward-phase teenage years?  His realization of I am He!  Not to mention Mom and “Stepdad” (yeah, think about that!) parenting the worlds SAVIOR…

I can’t even imagine, yet I try, over and over again.  The imagery at times in my mind feels cute, fun clips and others feel worrisome…

Maybe this is the seed of my 2018 Advent somber tones.  Unknown.  Secret.  Hidden.  Uncertain.  Tied together with Faith.  Faith & Hope in the same unknown.  That in between, much like my own life’s places of in between–hidden.  The same but different, lacking.

 

12/2018 Tiger Albee Photo

In Out-Out and In

I came across this Calvin and Hobbes cartoon this morning and am being flooded with just how true the realization of this is, I.e.: Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:24-25

Not to downplay Outreach ministries or the work of  the Church, Deacons, Elders, Program Staff, etc. or anything like that, rather, stir it all up a bit more.

One thing I can recall vividly my 1^st Sunday service, was the use of the word “inreach” and I was sold! I was seeking a new church and I felt I needed you to take care of me and when I joined as a member I took my questions seriously and you had me there, too – to take care of you. What has changed or shifted is the meaning of inreach has morphed into personal development; maintaining mental stability, Spiritual growth, fasting and prayer (1 Peter 2:1-3).

I am not who I was when I showed up at your doorstep wandering lost, lonely, broken, addicted to alcohol/cigarettes and in need—dire need—I was literally going to die...You stirred up to love and encouraged now faith and good works, the type Christ charges us to live and do, freely flow, everywhere I go, additionally I offer you all the greatest gift I can by taking care of myself—you did that! Had no idea, huh, that is how powerful the life in Christ is; Faith and Hope, Peace and Love – the cornerstone of Outreach;

Brothers and Sisters  "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish for people."  - let us keep that in mind in our ministries, even the day-to-day mundane, perhaps using the words of Jim Rohn let us encourage others with a mere “take care of you for me”.

Five Candles - Jars of Clay

Peace is~

Peace is~
The tingling, warm feelings in my chest

like at any given moment my heart will burst out from within.

Peace is~
Fighting to keep my eyes open, when I am not even tired

with every eyelid flutter more soothing than the other.

Peace is~
No matter time or place, the you-ness of you existing comfortably, almost weightlessly

aware, yet, without a worry or care.

Unexpectedly Extinguished

The 1st Advent candle was lit, we sang

and then, it went out.

The 1st candle was re-lit and the second candle was then lit, we sang

and then, they went out.

As if from lit to spent, my mind wound down

unexpectedly extinguished, with those candle flames.

 Without a word, familiar presence

rest well, here with me.

Softly whispered, within my chest

pen to paper;

Life in a candle

to hope is but a dance with a peaceful flame,
rekindling moments
in every wick
joyfully burning my smoldering soul
lovingly flickering

Advent fantasies...

 ^-The process -^

Saturday December 09, 2017

There is a season~

kissed by November rain

withering gracefully

she'll rise again

faith in action

come Spring

In Anticipation

It's as if I'm on the outside looking in

Appearance of thick skin

Unwavering fidelity

Every tear that falls

     Testing me

how long, O' Lord, how long

As the rose a gift to the thorn                                              

Pleasure and pain coexist

Who am I to question why

But a fool shall hastily pluck

     Disciplining me

how long, O' Lord, how long

Lovelier a bouquet

Patiently enduring day to day

Leaving all be trusting in Thee

Bearing hope until the day

     In anticipation, waiting 

Dear God,

I am so tired of reading/hearing the words "mass shooting."

I am equally tired of hearing "our thoughts and prayers are with those grieving" - I am sorry, it feels inadequate for the TX Church incident--the latest of the recent mass shootings (to the best of my knowledge anyway)...

How do I react to this, well, my nose runs and the tears flow and I pray:  God, what now, how do I (re)act?  Be kinder to those I encounter?  Be more aware of my surroundings?  Be a better listener?  Get my signature on more petitions and proposals? Pass out cards for mental health care?

I don't know but, I start with all of the above. I also start by realizing the best and only way for me to control this situation is not to fear.

Lord, as I move through my days here on earth, let me do so with the confidence that wherever my days may lead me, whomever my days may lead me to and however my days may unfold, You are there. May I encounter all knowing and trusting; 

"these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"  -1 Corinthians 13:13.  Amen.

Comfortable Silence

Eternal "Secrets"

surround

stop and see

hear...

As you can see from the tabs on this blog, there are months I have much to say and months I appear idle.  Some of that I chalk up to my Bipolar--yes, I own it, it is mine, we coexist most often comfortably but, like any and all couples, we have our moments and disagreements. 

I digress...

Until fairly recently, I chalk this up to the Spiritual Director now in my life, see and hear need not always be shared makes sense.  I don't always need to say or share anything.  Some "secrets" are to be viewed, felt, contemplated, logged, blogged for just me and God.  All too often I found myself feeling I needed to get it out, needed to get something, anything, out. 

Sometimes God does not desire to speak through me, rather, to me

The #asheepsruleofthumb 'hint and twist of lime' here for me is; stop, see, hear; just live, live the transformation, share that:

Philippians 4 NIV

^"8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Pictorials

My Earthly Heart

shall beautifully bleed

all the while

my soul
rooted in you...

___________________________________________________________________________________

Mysterious

Wisteria

rope-like braids

encase the common

cascading

as love and prayers

upon us fall...

Lest We Forget

Picture Location:  Mercy Spiritual Center

Lord, more and more you show us your love,

at times we struggle to fathom how and why;

  shameful deeds, greed and pride,

  envy and fear, turning from our neighbors—

ultimately, not trusting fully in you.

Divine Lord of all matters;

  universally, earthly, internally

Lest we forget, when we anguish

for whatever reason,

in any number of ways

the true living peace:

“29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11:29-30

No longer...

[I have long since ditched Cable Television and do old school over the digital air waves and Netflix]  

No longer viewing television news...or reading/"Following" television news online. 

I will old school news paper, at the YMCA when I workout two days a week or at the Library--there is no need for me to have that dropped at my doorstep daily either, or all access online.

I will live my life and welcome all that and those I encounter with kindness and respect.

  Looking UP!

Before You Smash That Wall--STOP!

There is a lot of fear amongst us.  Fear of the unknown.  As soon as one raises real concern, immediate reactions well "you could have or should have" and then the well, I was here or there and couldn't have…point the finger back and defend.

Totally missing the point: HEAR what is said NOT defend.  Not everything is an attack, change is not an attack nor should it need defending.  We are human, it happens, nevertheless--our Faith is based on not knowing everything…

If we, (we being every individual including myself), are so unable to hear when we listen and are so quick to stand guard, defend, we will remain in the state this world is in!  Tearing down walls, building bridges is a hopeful vision, however, I hate to be the bearer of bad news; any fool with tools just can't go around smashing walls:

"Is The Wall Really Load-Bearing?

The first step is to determine whether or not the wall is truly load-bearing. Some contractors and construction crews wrongfully assume all of their walls are load-bearing, but this simply isn't true. In a typical residential floor plan, you can expect the walls running closest to the interior are load-bearing, and tearing them down without first replacing this support will result in unsound structural integrity.

So, how do you know for sure if a wall bears some of the building's weight? Rather than using your best judgment, you should refer to the architectural blueprints. This will reveal important information about the structure, including which walls are load-bearing and which ones aren't. Walls that aren't load-bearing are known as partition walls, simply because they separate areas of the home or building. Partition walls are much easier to remove, and you don't have to worry about jeopardizing the structure’s integrity.

In order to safely remove a load-bearing wall, you'll need to construct a new support to take over its job. Do some research to locate a professional architect in your area and give them a call for a quote on designing a wall replacement. Some architects work in conjunction with builders, taking care of all the necessary work.

A professional architect will inspect the structure to determine the best course of action for replacing the load-bearing wall. Something as simple as a column or two strategically constructed inside the home or building might be enough to hold the weight. Other times, however, a full wall might be necessary to replace the load." (courtesy of Cynergy Ergonomics Blog Post by, Mike  http://www.cynergyergonomics.com/blog/safety-precautions-follow-when-removing-load-bearing-wall)

Fear of not knowing everything...a powerful weapon, more powerful than a finger that pulls a trigger or hands that swing a sledge hammer without proper understanding…

Just some #FaithfulFriday thoughts and prayers! 

"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!

It IS and It Is Good!!

Several weeks back I was sharing with one of our pastors how awe striking this method is:  (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for today:  https://cac.org/the-magic-and-mystery-of-intimacy-2016-03-01/ )

What I find so engulfing is noting more and more the cross-references of prophecies and the whole God’s predestination of those in the Bible. Right from the beginning, God letting Adam know--no worries, though by the way this isn't going to be pretty in the meantime, but, the seed of the woman (Christ) will redeem. Stepping on the snakes head (destroying Satan/sin) though his fangs will bruise Christ's heel by way of his sufferings.

Noting more and more the importance of the Law (Mosaic) for Israel, as well as during Christ's ministry here. And noting bigger picture, so to speak.

How key the Abrahamic covenant is to understanding the Gospel.

All so comforting, like when I feel like Thomas, noting and new sight just pushes that all away—like being told myself; see, touch!

How even in Luke, Jesus tells of his own death but the 12 just can't comprehend this, because well, no mention of grace yet, Christ hadn't died.

Seeing God's transcendence in all of that and more!

I'd told this same pastor several years back in response to a question: "I cannot not follow Christ!" follow up question was "can you say more about that?" "No, I cannot, there is nothing more to say!!"

Just as now, I cannot not see God everywhere. I cannot not feel Christ living. I cannot not get swept up in the Holy Spirit within and among...

The only "more" I can say about this is; it is an experience, a lifestyle, a Love story of sorts and why would I want to try and overthink it?! It IS and it is good! 

heart emoticon

Under HIS Wing

As I am the same person as 20 years ago and more, so is God the same from beginning to now and forever. However, I have changed and grown and do different things and will, yet it's still me. God does also!

I cannot move and flow and grow within and among the Holy Spirit if I am treating God as if the past God is all God is capable of.

The beauty in this Absolute Grace is I need not do or have to do anything. Because I am in Christ it is not something I need concern myself with, He has adopted me! I am His. I am taken up and living under HIS wing--child being tutored and tended!!!

❤




👼

❤

A New Year's Awakening

A New Year's Awakening:

•  I really found our Sunday (01/10/16) speaker quite enlightening.  I do have the “color blindness” she spoke of, though I value the great depth, contributions and uniqueness of other colors and cultures, I had no idea of the over all umbrella - that being upper hand geared toward white male America.  Just a great enlightenment.

• Also, since adding a Spiritual director to my life recently, I find so much new depth in “be(ing) still and know that I am God.”  I have always been a contemplative and prayerful individual and thus, this just helps the Holy Spirit and I move, connect and flow with greater ease.

• I find lately my noticing more and more the lack of the “true self” in a great chunk of today’s society.  Seems all so caught up in we democrats, we republicans, we Christians, we Presbyterians…we this and we that and our traditions and our values.  Yet, many struggle to self identify outside those things, even within those things actually.  Identity found outside rather than within.  Could be why I often find it hard to relate, as well as, a huge lack of interest to relate!  I can generally relate to many who are in tune with their true selves or striving to be and think outside the conventional boxes.

• Additionally, over this past Advent season weaned myself out of the “care taker” or “peer councilor” role and am at a place of discernment.  Broadening myself outside of church a bit, while remaining at the same time—my Spiritual, mental and sobriety needs are met amongst much of the prayerful quiet times I find there and the extracurricular groups, etc.  However, I have steeped, like a tea bag, for a bit over three years and I am being called to “be still” while exploring my Disciple/Apostleship.  

• Being I write, mainly Spirit filled poetry, prose, short essays, and pondering mantras…this may move me into an area where I can reach and engage people of my age or even younger, which is something that the churches struggle to do.

It feels like 2016 is a wilderness walk for me, outside of normal, conventional methods of which I am familiar or accustomed.  This is all a very big change.  I am excited and have no idea what to expect—I am okay with that!  The key "popping" piece right now is in; “be still and know that I am God.”  

I see, feel and have been living still is not idle.  Even when I was physically idle with that awful upper respiratory cold at Christmas, that kept me still yet, not idle!

Hope

Bursts of beauty, from within

Alabaster glowing, radiance

Voice of an angel, taking flight

Unto the darkness, of my mind

Flickering Advent fantasies

Come Beloved, I welcome thee

As the warmth consumes me...

Hope

Dear God,

"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures" 


Back and forth
rip, shred and split, rabid jackal style
hopelessness; word of the day, new novelty
try to escape it
let go, let God -- insert eyebrows raising...

"He leadeth me beside the still waters"

Perhaps, throwing my hands in the air, stationary,
stagnant world
as not to be consumed 
tread water

What I am to do...

I am powerless.
I believe only God can and will redeem.
I give myself over to God and God's will...

"He restoreth my soul"



#asheepsruleofthumb

How Bright It Is

There are times of trial
Of course,
There is the pouring
And pounding of the rain
Days of stress and anxiety

How I do recall
The what was of it all
When it seemed to almost consume;

Placing my own hands over the spaces
Of light illuminating
More fear of what brightness may bring
Eyes so adjusted to the pitch black
The thought of anything outside
Causing a (knee) jerk response...

Not all long ago,
Though I hold it close,
Intentionally,
That which once was
Brings forth feelings of:

Gratefulness,
Warmth,
Empathy,
Compassion
and
Love...
   
     Freeing up my hands
          To hug...

Tornado of The Soul

essence riveting 
depth of depths
so immense
aesthetically pleasing
expansile breath
dropped to my knees 
intoxicating

only known with thee
seen not seemingly
your presence enticing 
silence, softly spoken
alone, comfortably accompanied 

keyed to the lock
prayerfully 
lovingly tucked in 
abiding within the tender eye...

dust engulfed
onlookers, passersby
profess: 
head in the clouds
foolishness
loss of reality...

     tornado of the soul