Wordless

 

 Silence 

A prequel to a quiet place 

I find sanctuary

I Agree.

I agree. However, let me be a bit more clarifying...
Over the last couple years I have been practicing more & more living moment by moment. As my mind on its own tends to race at high speed whenever it feels fit leaving me NO CHOICE but to sit and just "be still". Interim I take moments, usually in the wee hours (5:30 AM ish) to just sit on the couch in the dark and be, setting a slow and calm, quiet and peaceful tone to "just do it"! All this week was packed with more than normal for me and I found this time around it was different--I also knew yesterday as I got up and sat "just do it" was a call for rest.
In conclusion, I agree, though I need the moment by moment pace and I also require--require a listening silence to help guide in "just do [what] it"


*find Thought For Today here:  https://www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk/wp-admin/www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.

Comfortable Silence

Eternal "Secrets"

surround

stop and see

hear...

As you can see from the tabs on this blog, there are months I have much to say and months I appear idle.  Some of that I chalk up to my Bipolar--yes, I own it, it is mine, we coexist most often comfortably but, like any and all couples, we have our moments and disagreements. 

I digress...

Until fairly recently, I chalk this up to the Spiritual Director now in my life, see and hear need not always be shared makes sense.  I don't always need to say or share anything.  Some "secrets" are to be viewed, felt, contemplated, logged, blogged for just me and God.  All too often I found myself feeling I needed to get it out, needed to get something, anything, out. 

Sometimes God does not desire to speak through me, rather, to me

The #asheepsruleofthumb 'hint and twist of lime' here for me is; stop, see, hear; just live, live the transformation, share that:

Philippians 4 NIV

^"8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."