People
don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen. Just shut your brain off,
open your ears and close your mouth, listen. I seek not correction or to
have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of
agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.
My (least)
favorite of them all is minimization:
verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing.
1.
to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.
2.
to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.
Related forms--minimization, noun
Here
is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so
basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this);
Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy. "No, that's
not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a
great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one
really listens. I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I
listen, I cannot say the same. I long for that one person I can call a
companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was
nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO
people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better
than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I
have a mental illness.
No,
you are not that way. I get that way
sometimes too --
"minimization."
I
want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails
from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what
other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes
too."
Okay--
Do
you wish you were dead? Do you want nothing more in the world than to not
wake up?? Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home
now." Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day
like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?" Do you apologize
for existing because you can barely deal with yourself? Do you???
Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that! However, I will also tell
you that this is a lifestyle for me. God knows I am not suicidal, as do
I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not
really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...
Before
I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that
can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.
I have become aware; I settle a lot. I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however,
settling or not settling is not a battle. I don't need to
"settle" my time. I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself. That way
when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself. The Summer is over and I have to add, I have
barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do. I
have not had my bike out once. Because the "off" time I have
had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right
back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly. I am not an extrovert.
I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once. I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things. Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger! I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.
Maybe
it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the
grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.
Maybe
it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am
telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...
Here's
to taking my life back: Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer
and Church--these are my needs. I'll do what I need to do for me to
maintain these, aka ME.
And
maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.
