I have mental
problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid
cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal
Bipolar cycle.
Church is the only place I can take a break from myself. I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a
caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental
struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes
before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many
that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break. From
those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field,
etc. you need a break. I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or
"stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater
"prep-work."
Train of thought: at church I get a
break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:
It means a lot for me to be able to feel
uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often. I don't want to talk to people
who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break. I don't want
folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air. I don't want
folks to take away from my time of being able to receive. Receive
Peace. Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able)
to just rest and enjoy Presence. I know many come on Sunday and like to
socialize, cool! I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but, desocialize. That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable
silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize). If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that. Or about some type of spiritual
thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in. If you want to ask how I am
feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here,
no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I
dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk.
I guess my point is what I need is for
folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to
engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather
you didn't, during this time. If you want to be part of my
"wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" - you just can't be part of my life when I am
"okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand
not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm
really understanding there! I will still
gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my
friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my
break from myself. My needed time away
from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.
I can no longer
"settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making
too. I cannot be settling my time there
anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and
mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not
helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form
healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain. By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open
for repeated "malnutrition."
I know this is kind
of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk
to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:
I, literally, have a
team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who
loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form
healthy relationships among those I worship with. I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I
need to do. I really am one who won't stand
in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.
