'desocialize'

I have mental problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal Bipolar cycle. 

Church is the only place I can take a break from myself.  I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break.  From those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field, etc. you need a break.  I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or "stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater "prep-work." 

     Train of thought:  at church I get a break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:

     It means a lot for me to be able to feel uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often.  I don't want to talk to people who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break.  I don't want folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air.  I don't want folks to take away from my time of being able to receive.  Receive Peace.  Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able) to just rest and enjoy Presence.  I know many come on Sunday and like to socialize, cool!  I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but,  desocialize.  That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize).  If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that.  Or about some type of spiritual thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in.  If you want to ask how I am feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here, no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk. 

     I guess my point is what I need is for folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather you didn't, during this time.  If you want to be part of my "wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" -  you just can't be part of my life when I am "okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm really understanding there!  I will still gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my break from myself.  My needed time away from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.

I can no longer "settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making too.  I cannot be settling my time there anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain.  By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open for repeated "malnutrition."  

     I know this is kind of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:

     I, literally, have a team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form healthy relationships among those I worship with.  I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I need to do.  I really am one who won't stand in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.  

Reindeer Games

Years ago a friend of mine stopped talking to me after an incident, I guess you call it.  She and I were headed to Naples, (we used to hike there often, she lived next door and had a hand in me getting my job at the time), and she asked what I was doing some day or date and I replied nothing I know of or whatever.  She said we could use you at the rally; your personality, humor and big mouth.  I said count me in!  She then went on about how the rally is for support at a pro-life convention…then, at 24/25 years old, I had to say “I can’t do that.” Long short of it, I have a value system, (it is mine not to be judged by another or pushed on another), that dates far back and growing up in the environment I did, I am often baffled as to where any values came from! (I know now, that’s me, and how God made me!)  Years ago, by the time I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t have enough time to make or rather to fully weigh pro’s and con’s, I was 11 weeks.  I am comfortable with my decision of full term, closed adoption.  Another I know chose abortion, she is fully comfortable with that.  I tried telling the friend mentioned above that my being pro-choice is supporting their “choice” and values and well, it doesn’t always go well.  I often regretted we couldn't maintain our friendship over a difference like this however, it happens...

Part of the above opens up a-- it sucks when other’s try to dictate things they have no business being in, especially without first hand knowledge and conversation.  Much like how I feel at times when my civil liberties are pushed down and cast aside, “we know best” without a word of conversation.  I feel like my voice and choice is not equal to everyone else-- even if the "reason" may be in my own best interest.

I would love to see in the future Churches opt out of the ADA exemptions (Americans with Disabilities Act) or that act be fully enforced without exception or exemption.  My civil rights do matter, especially in church.  It started (the exemption) supposedly too costly for churches to become handicap accessible, now many churches have made renovations, STRUCTURALLY.  I seek a future where just like Black lives matter and women’s choices matter and LGBTQAI civil rights matter so do we, the mentally and physically disabled—mental illness is my disability but, it doesn’t discredit me as a Christian worthy of equal rights and inclusion within churches.

Let me not seem ungrateful for all the two churches in my life have and are opening up to and for me and people like me!!!  I am part of the conversation, now. 

My ideal world would also include the day churches opened their doors to reconsidering their stance on being excluded from the ADA!

Thank you for your time and ear!!! I'm optimistic with all I am doing and working toward :-)

Shirley Davis, director of global diversity and inclusion at the Society for Human Resource Management, said: "People with disabilities represent a critical talent pool that is underserved and underutilized".[30]

From <https://en.wikipedia.org/…/Americans_with_Disabilities_Act_…>

"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!