I dunno.

I dunno.

I just.  Don't.  Know.

I really don't know how many times this year I said "I need to stop watching the news".  I just don't know how burying my head in the sand would make anything better either.

The time of year is here where we as a collective unit share our stories of "I am grateful for ___."  Seeing repeatedly on social media count down of days and photos of gratitude leading us into the Christmas season.  Amid all this is the bombarding of ads by way of every possible avenue: wacky and wavy inflatable arm-flailing tube men armies plague our streets at a multiplying like rabbits rate...

I dunno.  

To say I don't take notice of what they are selling and ponder do I need? could I use? would be false.  To say I don't walk away and think back to the horrific stories I saw on the news and scold myself for thinking about the former (I) when clearly the latter (others) is where my focus should be, would also be false.  To say I just. don't. know. how I can comprehend that two (or more) conflicting things can coexist yet not be able to wrap my head around it at the same time is true.  So true that even in my own personal life it is that type of struggle more regularly than I care to admit.  

I dunno.  

Part of me still holds hope, for the world as well as personally; it is semi-sustaining and semi-draining--therefor, I must distract my own selfishness (I suppose that is what it truly is) by way of working and doing for others.  I sometimes feel guilty when those days that I dread show up; the fact of "is this all there is?!" because quite frankly I have no reason to complain; bills all paid, all I need and some to share, so it really is mere selfish wallowing!  Sometimes I worry when I pray honestly to God, because though it is with a do I dare speak the words, gut wrenching fear "what if there is nothing after this life"?  I then quickly apologize and "pacify" myself with well, you are doing good things, given up bad habits and addictions, live as purely as one possible can or at best aim to try to do so--what would be so bad about going out like that?  Also recalling Matthew 6 regarding faith, humility, earthly gains, "each day has enough trouble of its own."--that usually reals me back into a state of calm and realization--I can delay gratification.

I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___."  Perhaps, this is a brand new for me.  Like but a few brand news I have experienced since turning 40 five years and change ago.  Mimicking a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, day by day taking time to put it all together in between daily tasks and obligations and life's interruptions.  

I dunno, so, I will continue to trust in what I just don't know, have Faith in what I believe, follow where the Spirit leads me and maybe, just maybe others can fill in the blank this year.  Others who have been here--I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___." 

Galatians 5:24 ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Unexpectedly Extinguished

The 1st Advent candle was lit, we sang

and then, it went out.

The 1st candle was re-lit and the second candle was then lit, we sang

and then, they went out.

As if from lit to spent, my mind wound down

unexpectedly extinguished, with those candle flames.

 Without a word, familiar presence

rest well, here with me.

Softly whispered, within my chest

pen to paper;

Life in a candle

to hope is but a dance with a peaceful flame,
rekindling moments
in every wick
joyfully burning my smoldering soul
lovingly flickering

Advent fantasies...

 ^-The process -^

Saturday December 09, 2017

tygerforwardis.wordpress.com

https://tygerforwardis.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/seven-days-gratitude-2/


No, I am not leaving my blogspot.  I am however mixing and splitting things up.  Almost like having a few books going at once or a few journals for different thoughts.

Feel free to check me out on wordpress, where the focus for me will be more of the meditative, quiet, Spiritual reflections--more of the going in.

Happy Thanksgiving

Seven Days; Gratitude

Day One:

So, September 01, 2013 I attended church as I regularly do--with one exception, I was so fricken hung over.  I had, out of guilt and shame, that morning around 4/4:30am completely shaved my head.  I could have stayed home, I have never shown to church remotely under the influence before.

Side Bar:  I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety.  Why?  It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be.  More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die."  A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know.  I've seen it before."  I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not.  today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing.  That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.

What makes me grateful about being sober?  How is this something to give thanks for?

Because I did it.  I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back.  I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle.  I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it.  I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.

What has changed?  It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land.  Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous.  Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...

"Further"

loosen thy grip

let go

anxiety provoking control

seeking

need not speak

greater than all things

the mind is a terrible thing to waste

emotionally charged

bears bruised fruit

take a step back

see

really see

all in front of thee

one-on-one

going deep

quietly

ultimate source

selflessly

never ending

replenishing

moment to moment

clarity

upon allowing…

"The miracle of your mind isn't that you can see the world as it is. It's that you can see the world as it isn't." --Kathryn Schulz

sp

--Thinking about change and growth

Growing older used to scare the hell out of me,

a lot of hearing about:

The must find someone

or

The need to find someone

for this existence.

Must have a plan, called to?

or

Find purpose (like it's lost),

to exist.

I often felt a very inadequate

cold and lonely presence

I am ever so thankful that those days are behind me--

The real deal is so matter-of-fact:

As Billie Holiday says:

"Ain't nobody's business if I do

Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business

Nobody's business if I do…"

As Billy Idol says:

"Well there's nothing to lose

And there's nothing to prove

I'll be dancing with myself…"

"True Self--who you are in God and who God is in you--and to live a generous life from that Infinite Source." --Fr. Richard Rohr

Let Freedom Ring

BE

Ready To Ride

"15 miles on the Erie Canal"

Let It Be!

Great Ride with friends

yep, let us ride the Erie Canal Lock

Have a wonderful and safe Independence Day!

Poached

Needs not met the way I am
subtly,
convinced I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

            Blind

Like a TV drama where you see
someone coming out of a coma or something...
hazy rippling
conscious, subconscious back and forth
usually followed by;
where am I?
this isn't home?
how did I get here?
Ripped from who you are, unaware.
Questions now, not okay,
stay in the haze - immunity...


            Now I See

Needs not met the way I am
subtly convinced
I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

Ripped from who I am,
Thanks be to God for finding me!

Gratitude

For the handful of folks who've always encouraged my outside of the box thoughts and life; Spirituality.



I am a (positive) deviant of religious conformity and societal norms.  I am deeply Spiritual which for me is a deep connection to the Holy Spirit.  My life is based on deepening what that is, can be and will become.  Allowing the Spirit to guide and my always learning to listen and implement.



I recall as young as four knowing the Angels and knowing God was with me and feeling sad for Jesus.  My grandparents had Christ on the cross that hung in the house.  I recall even then in the worst of times being comforted from beyond this place (There was no comfort growing up within this place).



In my late teens and twenties pushed all that aside; doubtful to conformity.  After 2003 I lost all earthly gains including my thoughts and mind...I again opened my heart to what I "just knew" as a child.  Go with all that is, He is there even in "absence."  Trust the process:  Christ came and lived, Christ was crucified and died, Christ rose and lives endlessly.  Through this Jesus Christ, I have come to trust what some raise a brow in uncertainty - He is alive and within me.  Let my focus be on my relationship with the burning fire of the Holy Ghost within!



Grateful for my place at His table everyday.  Grateful for being guided and provided for, Lord knows I am not worthy, yet, He is okay with that and helps me lean on Him and learn from all things, deepening my ties that bind us.

How Bright It Is

There are times of trial
Of course,
There is the pouring
And pounding of the rain
Days of stress and anxiety

How I do recall
The what was of it all
When it seemed to almost consume;

Placing my own hands over the spaces
Of light illuminating
More fear of what brightness may bring
Eyes so adjusted to the pitch black
The thought of anything outside
Causing a (knee) jerk response...

Not all long ago,
Though I hold it close,
Intentionally,
That which once was
Brings forth feelings of:

Gratefulness,
Warmth,
Empathy,
Compassion
and
Love...
   
     Freeing up my hands
          To hug...

Gangsta--Not

Brand fuckin' new
straight up outta the box
never felt like this
I'm not bullshitting
couldn't even if I wanted to
you'd see right through...

Tuned in
hearing what's unsaid
deciphering
weirdo quirks
twitches and twirks
I've spent years
masking
for societal reasons...

Just doing what you do
V.I.P.
I wouldn't have it any other way

loving it...


*pretty gangsta-thug huh, lol