I dunno.
I just. Don't. Know.
I really don't know how many times this year I said "I need to stop watching the news". I just don't know how burying my head in the sand would make anything better either.
The time of year is here where we as a collective unit share our stories of "I am grateful for ___." Seeing repeatedly on social media count down of days and photos of gratitude leading us into the Christmas season. Amid all this is the bombarding of ads by way of every possible avenue: wacky and wavy inflatable arm-flailing tube men armies plague our streets at a multiplying like rabbits rate...
I dunno.
To say I don't take notice of what they are selling and ponder do I need? could I use? would be false. To say I don't walk away and think back to the horrific stories I saw on the news and scold myself for thinking about the former (I) when clearly the latter (others) is where my focus should be, would also be false. To say I just. don't. know. how I can comprehend that two (or more) conflicting things can coexist yet not be able to wrap my head around it at the same time is true. So true that even in my own personal life it is that type of struggle more regularly than I care to admit.
I dunno.
Part of me still holds hope, for the world as well as personally; it is semi-sustaining and semi-draining--therefor, I must distract my own selfishness (I suppose that is what it truly is) by way of working and doing for others. I sometimes feel guilty when those days that I dread show up; the fact of "is this all there is?!" because quite frankly I have no reason to complain; bills all paid, all I need and some to share, so it really is mere selfish wallowing! Sometimes I worry when I pray honestly to God, because though it is with a do I dare speak the words, gut wrenching fear "what if there is nothing after this life"? I then quickly apologize and "pacify" myself with well, you are doing good things, given up bad habits and addictions, live as purely as one possible can or at best aim to try to do so--what would be so bad about going out like that? Also recalling Matthew 6 regarding faith, humility, earthly gains, "each day has enough trouble of its own."--that usually reals me back into a state of calm and realization--I can delay gratification.
I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year. I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___." Perhaps, this is a brand new for me. Like but a few brand news I have experienced since turning 40 five years and change ago. Mimicking a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, day by day taking time to put it all together in between daily tasks and obligations and life's interruptions.
I dunno, so, I will continue to trust in what I just don't know, have Faith in what I believe, follow where the Spirit leads me and maybe, just maybe others can fill in the blank this year. Others who have been here--I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year. I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___."
Galatians 5:24 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
