I dunno.

I dunno.

I just.  Don't.  Know.

I really don't know how many times this year I said "I need to stop watching the news".  I just don't know how burying my head in the sand would make anything better either.

The time of year is here where we as a collective unit share our stories of "I am grateful for ___."  Seeing repeatedly on social media count down of days and photos of gratitude leading us into the Christmas season.  Amid all this is the bombarding of ads by way of every possible avenue: wacky and wavy inflatable arm-flailing tube men armies plague our streets at a multiplying like rabbits rate...

I dunno.  

To say I don't take notice of what they are selling and ponder do I need? could I use? would be false.  To say I don't walk away and think back to the horrific stories I saw on the news and scold myself for thinking about the former (I) when clearly the latter (others) is where my focus should be, would also be false.  To say I just. don't. know. how I can comprehend that two (or more) conflicting things can coexist yet not be able to wrap my head around it at the same time is true.  So true that even in my own personal life it is that type of struggle more regularly than I care to admit.  

I dunno.  

Part of me still holds hope, for the world as well as personally; it is semi-sustaining and semi-draining--therefor, I must distract my own selfishness (I suppose that is what it truly is) by way of working and doing for others.  I sometimes feel guilty when those days that I dread show up; the fact of "is this all there is?!" because quite frankly I have no reason to complain; bills all paid, all I need and some to share, so it really is mere selfish wallowing!  Sometimes I worry when I pray honestly to God, because though it is with a do I dare speak the words, gut wrenching fear "what if there is nothing after this life"?  I then quickly apologize and "pacify" myself with well, you are doing good things, given up bad habits and addictions, live as purely as one possible can or at best aim to try to do so--what would be so bad about going out like that?  Also recalling Matthew 6 regarding faith, humility, earthly gains, "each day has enough trouble of its own."--that usually reals me back into a state of calm and realization--I can delay gratification.

I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___."  Perhaps, this is a brand new for me.  Like but a few brand news I have experienced since turning 40 five years and change ago.  Mimicking a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, day by day taking time to put it all together in between daily tasks and obligations and life's interruptions.  

I dunno, so, I will continue to trust in what I just don't know, have Faith in what I believe, follow where the Spirit leads me and maybe, just maybe others can fill in the blank this year.  Others who have been here--I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___." 

Galatians 5:24 ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

tygerforwardis.wordpress.com

https://tygerforwardis.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/seven-days-gratitude-2/


No, I am not leaving my blogspot.  I am however mixing and splitting things up.  Almost like having a few books going at once or a few journals for different thoughts.

Feel free to check me out on wordpress, where the focus for me will be more of the meditative, quiet, Spiritual reflections--more of the going in.

Happy Thanksgiving

Seven Days; Gratitude

Day One:

So, September 01, 2013 I attended church as I regularly do--with one exception, I was so fricken hung over.  I had, out of guilt and shame, that morning around 4/4:30am completely shaved my head.  I could have stayed home, I have never shown to church remotely under the influence before.

Side Bar:  I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety.  Why?  It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be.  More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die."  A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know.  I've seen it before."  I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not.  today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing.  That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.

What makes me grateful about being sober?  How is this something to give thanks for?

Because I did it.  I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back.  I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle.  I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it.  I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.

What has changed?  It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land.  Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous.  Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...

Openness

Open to receive

     any and all things

     without resistance;

Preconceived, self-directed, manipulated notions

no longer will do,

     though, they time to time flutter about

     in and out of the mind

like a butterfly, effortless amongst a breeze

            Allowance...

Lust of a different kind

good, bad or indifferent;

    

Accept it.

     Hold it.

     Contemplate it.

Dance with it…

More questions than answers;

Awing and inspiring

     fear's not knee jerking

rather, gently nudged to step back

    view the landscape…

Lacking Fancy

For all I craved, even unbeknownst

you, Lord, have fulfilled and continue to pour over me more than I deserve

gratefully and thankfully and humbly I receive joyfully

You, indeed, hear all spoken and unspoken;


Read my heart always and keep me from selfish ways...

I want nothing more than to live in You

and You in me, always!


Welcoming Your will on earth as it is in heaven

always and everlasting...


Keep watch as I sleep tight

over not only myself but those I love

and those whom are lost...

In Christ's name I pray, always!

Amen.

Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving approaches, I often find myself in a more contemplative state of mindfulness.  

Much of my own Thanksgiving is the shared by others; blessings, changes, grateful fors, new founds, etc. of which they celebrate and embrace.  It is most refreshing to see and hear others testimonials as well as accomplishments.  In addition to how others live Thanksgiving.  

I continue to look forward to all of yours in addition to those whose paths cross mine day to day...

I am Thankful.