Awakening

The usual custom for awakening is a "Good Morning" and a big ole mug of coffee!

But what about a Spiritual Awakening?  Knowing something amazing is going on, feeling a need for solidarity yet, connection for sharing and dialog with "others."  Well, there are plenty of others to talk to, believe me, I could waste 18 hours a day in bullshit conversation--that is an American term; "we were just sitting around bullshitting" or "just shooting the shit."  

I am not really a fan of those terms anymore, the only way to explain that is like when you out grow anything.  Perhaps it isn't so much the terminology rather the root of what the term means that turns me off..."pointless chatter."  Go ahead, get offended, those of you who do talk at me, over me, to me and wonder...or better yet, don't and know it doesn't matter!
     That's right, it does not matter--no one but me is responsible for how I feel or don't feel or react and vise versa.  It bears no reflection but much can be learned if we set with that feeling of being offended.  It is truly one of the best Spiritual Awakenings--that's where the ego feeds!!!  (multiple exclamation points because this growth personally ignites a fire within me)


So, here I am, minding my own business, some not-so-many years ago *BAM* 'Spiritual Awakening' nudging me.  And scaring the hell out of me!  That's right, it scared me into a looking over my shoulder for another mental break.  It also scared me because many things I had professed, prayed and lamented to God and God alone were staring right back at me...Confusing me.  Testing me.  Transforming me.  Growing me.  Preparing me for ____________(fill in the blank).  This year it was not cupcakes but, breaking from society.  
     Look, I don't know what's next or yet to come--what I DO know is I know what I am doing even though it is a mystery.

Where I am struggling is really in the placement of boundaries.  I no longer find a lot of  my "older patterns" (AKA the "false self" which is very ego based) my way, my path -- there where the road forked, I went the other way.  I do not seek the company of others.  Yes, I do not seek the company of others.  I seek Faith in "for everything there is a season", I seek God's timing and placement for sharing and connecting--not creating it myself or fumbling back into places I am expected or I feel obligated.  

For my heart knows its home and that space is to be free from defilement.  That's my call.  I cannot answer it yet, I tried, I was hung up on.  And until I stopped getting "hung up on" everything and reflected silently then I felt what I know.  What I know is this:   I accept all this.  My pilgrimage is mine and mine alone.  We are supposed to turn toward and lean on God (not (wo)man) and with all things, God will provide--God will provide spaces and places for sharing.
     
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"

tygerforwardis.wordpress.com

https://tygerforwardis.wordpress.com/2017/11/22/seven-days-gratitude-2/


No, I am not leaving my blogspot.  I am however mixing and splitting things up.  Almost like having a few books going at once or a few journals for different thoughts.

Feel free to check me out on wordpress, where the focus for me will be more of the meditative, quiet, Spiritual reflections--more of the going in.

Happy Thanksgiving

Seven Days; Gratitude

Day One:

So, September 01, 2013 I attended church as I regularly do--with one exception, I was so fricken hung over.  I had, out of guilt and shame, that morning around 4/4:30am completely shaved my head.  I could have stayed home, I have never shown to church remotely under the influence before.

Side Bar:  I had renewed my NYS ID card that next day, as I no longer drive I let my license expire, I have opted to leave that awful picture of myself until the 10 year mark of my sobriety.  Why?  It is a constant reminder of what was, what is and what will be.  More than that, it reminds me of the day, I looked up at one very dear and confessed "I have a drinking problem and if I don't stop, I'm going to die."  A heartbroken face looked back at me and said; "I know.  I've seen it before."  I then asked if we could talk and while they were gripping the coffee in both hands tightly a formally stated; "not.  today." ---> THIS still matters to me and this still, as twisted as it may seem, is what has helped to keep me from relapsing.  That and...I have an eternal life to look forward to and doing harm to myself and those who care, isn't in the plan.

What makes me grateful about being sober?  How is this something to give thanks for?

Because I did it.  I quit, have never gone back or wanted to go back.  I never thought--and I thought about quitting hundreds of times before I turned 40, dozens of times weekly before I turned 20, hand-full of times daily in my 30's--but I never could imagine my life without self medicating at the bottom of a bottle.  I could never imagine myself able to enjoy life here without drinking through it.  I could never imagine people liking me without the societal "normal", the 'mask' was what was likable...believe me, looking back I see large chunks of not being able to imagine my being able to interact with societal "normal" without the 'mask' either.

What has changed?  It is honestly the difference very much like underwater vs. on land.  Underwater sight, very clear and beautiful sometimes--oh it is, however there is so much that blurs the sharper image at times and clouds up in spots, making the unknown potentially more dangerous.  Whereas head out of water enables you to better navigate the cloudy, blurry, obstructed areas--and you can breathe, freely & naturally...ability to go deeper...

There is a season~

kissed by November rain

withering gracefully

she'll rise again

faith in action

come Spring

In Anticipation

It's as if I'm on the outside looking in

Appearance of thick skin

Unwavering fidelity

Every tear that falls

     Testing me

how long, O' Lord, how long

As the rose a gift to the thorn                                              

Pleasure and pain coexist

Who am I to question why

But a fool shall hastily pluck

     Disciplining me

how long, O' Lord, how long

Lovelier a bouquet

Patiently enduring day to day

Leaving all be trusting in Thee

Bearing hope until the day

     In anticipation, waiting 

Dear God,

I am so tired of reading/hearing the words "mass shooting."

I am equally tired of hearing "our thoughts and prayers are with those grieving" - I am sorry, it feels inadequate for the TX Church incident--the latest of the recent mass shootings (to the best of my knowledge anyway)...

How do I react to this, well, my nose runs and the tears flow and I pray:  God, what now, how do I (re)act?  Be kinder to those I encounter?  Be more aware of my surroundings?  Be a better listener?  Get my signature on more petitions and proposals? Pass out cards for mental health care?

I don't know but, I start with all of the above. I also start by realizing the best and only way for me to control this situation is not to fear.

Lord, as I move through my days here on earth, let me do so with the confidence that wherever my days may lead me, whomever my days may lead me to and however my days may unfold, You are there. May I encounter all knowing and trusting; 

"these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love"  -1 Corinthians 13:13.  Amen.