"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!

Sunday's Sermon:

?Clueless?

                           ?Clueless?

Have you ever felt locked in your own head?

Knowing full well you speak English,

just seems no one understands what you have said.

Sadly, at times,

you lack the ability to access your own thoughts

and mind

competently...

To the point of just wanting to bust it wide open,

for then,

people could see

what you mean to say…

Cartoon strips of visuals running through your mind,

when others speak, as if, that is in fact,

how you comprehend what’s being said.

So much to be said for yourself,

gifted artistically, much easier to express in that way

but,

again,

lacking the ability to access -

all that you keep

                           locked in your own head…

Shadows

Time has ceased; 

Time for real within.

Time for real listening.

Time for real responses.

preoccupation,

ruling devices...

Ding, ping, bubble sounds

normally accepted

full attention.

Curt.

Abrupt.

Hustle 'n Bustle.

Ears bent with a twist

or

spinning of the wrist.

compounded,

compressed...

Time for real sharing.

Time for real words.

Time for shared silence.

quiet...

Moments

rarely duly noted,

voiceless,

shadows all around...

TV Preacher Hits Home Run

When I fired up the TV this morning it was some TV preacher preaching to a huge, packed, convention center somewhere. I was still fumbling about feeding boys(cats), starting coffee and opening windows but I was stopped dead in my tracks…

He was preaching something I've never heard preached--The Song of Solomon. There is a song by Kate Bush I love based on the Song of Solomon, but that really has nothing to do with this, but I do indeed like Kate Bush! Anyway, he was preaching everything I have come into living and feeling and believing and knowing for myself, true self. He points out how there is a very small bit of sexual intimacy within the book of Solomon, it is conversation. It is intimacy on a whole other level, a level in which God wants for us to know. Lying with one is a step taken too soon often, not truly knowing pure and absolute intimacy with God as well as another. He then was going on about how sexual attraction is an extremely strong emotion, especially when one loves another. It is important to keep those emotions in check (Paul speaks of this a few times, if you cannot then marry. If you can, remain unmarried.), not only because it is Biblically so but because the way to true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. That is where this television preacher had me--true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing.

He did go on "for the young people out there" if you think marriage is one big sexual encounter from the time you say I do until you drag your tired feet through the pearly gates, you are way off base and anyone here in a committed relationship can probably tell you better than anyone just how true this is! LOL 

My rambling here is what I caught before this program ended and my coffee was done, however, where he had me was preaching Solomon and the; true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. This is solely where he had me for reasons I never knew why in the past, often asked "why, what's wrong with you?" It was wrong not wanting to, it was wrong not wanting to.
What is wrong with me that something feels so empty and crushing if the opposite of this is wrong, this is supposed to be right. Often my "afterglow" thoughts, not very afterglow in reality.

I've always, in hindsight, known the right path for me is not sexual intimacy. Hearing this television preacher for a few moments has cast a Job-like light for me…I am of no gender or orientation here because the way for me here is not sexual intimacy and ya know what, there's nothing wrong with me! There’s never been anything wrong with me!!

Now, I am not sharing this as a this is the way for all. Nope, we all are different and ya know what, whatever your way is--there's nothing wrong with you!!

*This Pic Hangs Near My Desk:

Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

Get Over Ourselves

It is as if He (THE Prince of Peace) takes a back burner, when really we need to stress more and more the power of faith, hope, love and prayer in lieu of frustration, negativity and fear. 

What I see with my own life is that prayer works better than anything I can try to gain control of--especially when reality often is-it is out of my control.

What I can do is MY part peacefully, hopefully and faithfully. And when overwhelmed by the vile seeds being tossed for planting in this place, turn to those of loving nature, turn within, turn away from those who are temporarily lost.

If we are to be one fairly positive functioning unit we must set ego aside. Just as charity begins at home, (you aren't much good to others if you aren't tending home), so is working for the "Common Good" of all. 

*Regardless of religious denomination and or affiliation, individually we have what it takes for peace on earth, even in storms, when we unmask ourselves to ourselves!

insurance (ɪnˈʃʊərəns; -ˈʃɔː-)
n
1. (Insurance)
a. the act, system, or business of providing financial protection for property, life, health, etc, against specified contingencies, such as death, loss, or damage, and involving payment of regular premiums in return for a policy guaranteeing such protection
b. the state of having such protection
c. Also called: insurance policy the policy providing such protection
d. the pecuniary amount of such protection
e. the premium payable in return for such protection
f. (as modifier): insurance agent; insurance broker; insurance company.
2. a means of protecting or safeguarding against risk or injury.

**This is an internet photo, I do not own this photo.

It Is Written

"It's going down, I'm yelling timber!" - Pitbull & Kesha

Yep!  You know it, 
the faithful blindsided,
evil is evil because it's very convincing

Proverbs 14:5

eyes open,
haze free,
holy shit - that's the "I've always known you"...

Malachi 3:18 

Mask removed--
WOW!, 
Didn't see that "clothing" coming!
Though it is as it was written...

2 Timothy 4:3-4 

God is calling us forward,

Luke 15:1-7

We must go where we must (poached) to know;
Hello!

1 John 4:1

Nope, not locking horns any more--
God has me stepping aside now,
my services no longer needed here...

2 Timothy 4:17

He is gathering His flock,
He has been roused with anger;
Shepard His own sheep now,
just as it was written...

Ezekiel 34:11-16

Now what?  None of my business!!!
Titus 3:10-11 

Poached

Needs not met the way I am
subtly,
convinced I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

            Blind

Like a TV drama where you see
someone coming out of a coma or something...
hazy rippling
conscious, subconscious back and forth
usually followed by;
where am I?
this isn't home?
how did I get here?
Ripped from who you are, unaware.
Questions now, not okay,
stay in the haze - immunity...


            Now I See

Needs not met the way I am
subtly convinced
I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

Ripped from who I am,
Thanks be to God for finding me!

Grab a Shovel, Spade or Spoon or...

To the days when it was okay to go outside and dig a hole. Just decide I wanna dig a hole and a hole was dug.

If questions were asked; "what's ya doing?" Digging a hole was acceptable! "Where ya digging to?" I don't know was acceptable! "You'll dig yourself to China soon" was encouraging and comfortable. No one worrying about this hole in the middle of the yard, or why this hole was in the middle of the yard, no one worrying what the passers by thought.

Prayers for hole digging mentality and encouragement, prayers for finding and reclaiming our inborn innocence.

We are all God's children and it takes a village...

Dig Deep.  

ME

Crucified and risen with Him, once again--

I am feeling compelled to say/clarify that I am really of no real gender in this temporary place. The vehicle given to me is that of a woman, "she." For a better understanding, as I have felt it since about six, yes 6 years old: There is a reason I am missing my penis! Society telling me I am a little girl so you like little boys--okay, nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are a lesbian so you like not just women but lesbian women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are transgendered so you like straight women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me (or a person I knew in the 90's) maybe you're a gay man--nope, I am sure that won't work.

How about I am myself and what I do or don't do, have or lack is between me and God, often the thoughts I have.

Let me tell you what I actually know and knew all growing up;
I will never marry. I am not like other folks who are wired for earthly formalities. I have the soul of a man and a poet no less, almost Sage like--yes Sage. Neither here nor there, moving on: I was born a EUNUCH if a label helps.
(However, I did fulfill the "procreate purpose" in 1993)

I was born and named Michelle Lynn Albee and within a few months of birth named Tiger, Tie for short. Except my Grandma Albee spelled it Tyger and I always liked it best that way but my mom hated she did that. Until 3rd grade teachers called me "Tiger" then I was told I had to use my "real name" as others made that call for me, "real."

The real of it is for me, until I am made aware of my body I don't see myself gendered…buying bras--that's an awareness, PMS an awareness, you get the picture wink emoticonI am not in search of my body so to speak, I have one here, it is what it is and as you see it. Now, my eternal life I already see and know that body that is how and why I am comfortable just being me…

I have no desire what so ever in "changing" anything or fit a "label" or "conform" to anything.
In the early 1990's and mid 1990's two of my 3 'serious' (attempts at) relationships with (straight) women brought me home books on sex change. That was the terminology then. I read and pondered to come back to it would ultimately be so that others saw what I already did and do. I am created in God's image, I see what He does who cares if others don't. I married God; vowed, faithful, commitment.

The moral of this story is I wear what I like, hair what I like and do as I do because that is me, not to be or become, fit into or be seen as; "X" "Y" or "Z."

My "real" label I had stamped on my neck in 2009 for if and when I NEED one: MLA

I am here for purposes and my purposes need no gender identity. What people use, she, he, it, hey you, crazy, I don't really care, honest. I understand we live in a place where we need pronouns and labels to make our way but please know I personally don't live them nor am defined by them.

In transition: to see and be what He, the Risen Christ, shows me and leads me…
                                                                        ME

 smile emoticon

Faithful Friday

We should spend our time preaching and teaching Love. Tending and mending.

If we have nothing nice to say just say nothing (a fool runs their mouth a wise person keeps quiet). Stay away from that and those that raise blood pressure with toxins and negativity. We clearly cannot live under rocks and are exposed to so much hostility and divisions. Let us not continue the pattern of walls with illusion of bridges.

They'll know we are Christians by our Love. Love for God, ourselves and each other. Not they will know we are Christians by our anger and outrage. By our Love, by our Love...

If we cannot preach and feed within our own personal space emulating the living Loving Word, we are impostors. We are none the less guilty of the violence and division we want so badly to cease.

In speaking with three very good friends yesterday about the daily strife we are amidst I felt myself getting riled up and BP rising--as did they. This is not who we are, our true selves. I know them and they me, we are peaceful and kind and gentle and of good nature and fun.

What shall we spread?? What shall we share?? What is the pulpit called by God to do???
     --LOVE, nurturing, tending and mending.

The only place to begin is within. We must go in to go out!

They will know we are Christians by our Love, by our Love. Amen.

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬  #saynotopoliticsatChriststable 

It IS and It Is Good!!

Several weeks back I was sharing with one of our pastors how awe striking this method is:  (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for today:  https://cac.org/the-magic-and-mystery-of-intimacy-2016-03-01/ )

What I find so engulfing is noting more and more the cross-references of prophecies and the whole God’s predestination of those in the Bible. Right from the beginning, God letting Adam know--no worries, though by the way this isn't going to be pretty in the meantime, but, the seed of the woman (Christ) will redeem. Stepping on the snakes head (destroying Satan/sin) though his fangs will bruise Christ's heel by way of his sufferings.

Noting more and more the importance of the Law (Mosaic) for Israel, as well as during Christ's ministry here. And noting bigger picture, so to speak.

How key the Abrahamic covenant is to understanding the Gospel.

All so comforting, like when I feel like Thomas, noting and new sight just pushes that all away—like being told myself; see, touch!

How even in Luke, Jesus tells of his own death but the 12 just can't comprehend this, because well, no mention of grace yet, Christ hadn't died.

Seeing God's transcendence in all of that and more!

I'd told this same pastor several years back in response to a question: "I cannot not follow Christ!" follow up question was "can you say more about that?" "No, I cannot, there is nothing more to say!!"

Just as now, I cannot not see God everywhere. I cannot not feel Christ living. I cannot not get swept up in the Holy Spirit within and among...

The only "more" I can say about this is; it is an experience, a lifestyle, a Love story of sorts and why would I want to try and overthink it?! It IS and it is good! 

heart emoticon

Under HIS Wing

As I am the same person as 20 years ago and more, so is God the same from beginning to now and forever. However, I have changed and grown and do different things and will, yet it's still me. God does also!

I cannot move and flow and grow within and among the Holy Spirit if I am treating God as if the past God is all God is capable of.

The beauty in this Absolute Grace is I need not do or have to do anything. Because I am in Christ it is not something I need concern myself with, He has adopted me! I am His. I am taken up and living under HIS wing--child being tutored and tended!!!

❤




👼

❤

forward and backward

Q. Seek God and ye shall find, yes?

A. YES!

•      when I look for Thee, the things I see change 🙈  (see no evil)

•      when I listen for my Shepherd, I hear only He 🙉  (hear no evil)

•      when I contemplate folly, Wisdom shall prevail 🙊  (speak no evil)

The perfect order forward and backward.

Rejoice! Rejoice!!

"Jesus took Peter, John and James and went up the mountain to pray. Can you follow Jesus and go up on the mountain and pray? Can you carve out time time to listen and share with him the joys and sorrow of your daily life? On this Second Sunday of Lent be open and allow God the opportunity to speak to your heart. Let yourself experience God's transforming love."  (Taken from the 'Mercy Spirituality Center' Facebook Page; https://www.facebook.com/Mercy-Spirituality-Center-358657827490413/?pnref=story)

I had quite an Epiphany yesterday, (both services, different bits and pieces), being these very questions have been prayerfully and contemplatively working within and among me. I have experienced a full fledged "whew, thank you, Lord, you DO hear my prayers."

1st, randomly opening to hymn #268--feeling the "what I am called to do" type feeling with regard to wars, trials and lack of peace--be absorbed in prayer & praise! Alleluia, Amen. The way to peace = prayer and praise, that's the "how."

2nd, "silence in us any voice but Your own" became vivid and starkly "real!"--(meditate)

* I shall not give up and allow threat to scare me...like the hen and her brood. (paraphrased from the sermon)
* "Join in Jesus' lament for the city" (from sermon)
and all peoples;
*look around "these are your people!" (taken from a past time with the children. Martha explaining how in the south 'who are your people' means what family are you from, etc.)
* "Blow Your trumpet, lift up the oppressed!" (from the prayer of the people)
* Awaken us for the ways we become connected to each other. (paraphrased from the prayer of the people)
* "be transformed!" (not sure if sermon or prayer of the people)

I went in open, more open than I normally head into church wanting and needing God to speak to my heart. I revel in joy within for I am "growing up..." (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for todayhttps://cac.org/three-steps-forward-two-steps-backward-2016-02-22/)
Deeply meditative and I heard NOT John, NOT Martha, NOT anyone but God! How do I know??? Because only I know what I pray and the Lord God himself...I was heard and answered!!!

* "Go in to go out"--woke to those words from a dream on 12/28/2015

For I am not on a wilderness walk! I am on hiking the mountainous range!!!

Thanks be to God, Amen. Thanks be to Jesus, my best friend, thanks be to the Holy Spirit within and among me. Thanks be Holy Trinity.

"Rejoice, Rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel!!" (ear-wormed in my head and heart)

Live By Love

Many of Jesus' teachings show us how unfair treatment is wrong; I'll use the parables as a broad general, showing that those who are subjected to unfairness are actually the ones doing the teaching.

It is a fair statement (in my heart) to say those who walk in the path of Christ are often outside the societal norms & made subject to harsh ridicule.  I find, personally, it does hurt.  Much prayer, share and contemplate.  I am human.  Though, in the unfairness I find "success and justice" through faith.

Live by Love and you can never go wrong--

It isn't wrong to love ourselves either, the Holy Spirit lives and moves in love!

"Practices"

I never predict "practices" or "resolutions", the Holy Spirit moves and works in unpredictable ways...

Lenten "Practice" 1.  

Keep my eyes on my own paper.  My answers aren't elsewhere.

Lenten "Practice" 2.

"Pay attention, now! I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves." -Matt 10:16

Lenten "Practice" 3.

"self-reliance and self-learning are your greatest assets" -Lailah Gifty Akita

Lenten "Practice" 4.

"You have gotten to where you are at by way of how you got there."  -Paul G.

Just(ice) How Righteous

Passion for justice & peace vs. righteous anger:

To be angry causes a chain reaction of disharmony.
To be peaceful causes a chain reaction of love.

anger = chaos
peace = calm

With Lent approaching, as well as, ongoing presidential debates, Lord, let us watch our tones and tongues.  Within The Spirit of true grace and redemption absolute, I pray these things. Amen.

"The aim of God in history is the creation of an all-inclusive community of loving persons, with Himself included in that community as its prime sustainer and most glorious inhabitant." 
— Dallas Willard