Who Knows

Who Knows

June 29, 2015 · 

Sometimes ya just don't know "why?"
and you probably never will.
Perhaps, it is best that way,
the unknowing
but, remembering that can be more troublesome 
than the question(s).

Who knows...

who you really are?

http://m.gty.org/resources/articles/A214/nothing-safe-about-secret-sin#.VYwooUtMuwc.facebook

A great read, again, as I read it last year and found how I find it additionally/differently helpful in this time and space.

This is what jumps and pumps within right now: "As a matter of fact, your secret life is the real litmus test of your character: "As he thinks within himself, so he is" (Proverbs 23:7). Do you want to know who you really are? Take a hard look at your private life—especially your innermost thoughts."

"Do you want to know who you really are?
Take a hard look at your private life—especially your innermost thoughts"

An invitation for us all...

Yes.

My innermost thoughts are often very celestial/Spiritual.  It's not that I am out of touch with "reality" it's more of a I see, feel and live the best I can 'here' in the moment.  

I am one who will choose the Spiritual over earthly every time...(though I am human and yes, I fail when earthly gets to be tempting time to time)

By that I mean, I live open to receive all unseen, unknown.  All God is giving to me; especially the promise of life eternally.  And the pieces shared now!  

I, again, best I can 'here' live that eternal reunion and love, true love.  Sometimes almost a creating of time and space for that in the now amongst the heartbreak and sadness.  An ascension of sorts.

I am one who loves being gentle, kind, serene, playful--not an unwise folly, joyful and loving.  Greater than not those are the basis of my innermost thoughts.

First and foremost my innermost thoughts are I want to be as good and pure and disciplined as possible 'here.'  I want NOT to sin.  I want NOT to temp others to sin.  I want NOT to keep company of sin.  I want to be, carry and company Peace.  

(this is not a one time shot and finished answer, always a work in process and progress)

I'd say I am wanting what God is preparing for me...

I am quiet, I am ready, I am faithful, I am wild oats sown, I am His.

For what shall I pray;

Holiest God of all, 
keep me in ways that are fruitful to you and for you--
moment by moment; awake, at rest - in Spirit, body and mind. 

Forgiving, loving and guiding all my earthly ways...
In Christ's name always, amen.

Serenity Now

Faithful Friday!

I met God very young on a “you’re real” level before ever knowing Jesus and the Spirit.  If this makes sense.  I didn’t have that knowledge or access to it or being as young as 4 that kind of grasping for all that but I knew God; that maintained and sustained ME in all my horror growing up—it is in that I am closest to God. God was (is) my go to.

I also in some way, even young, knew others at places of deep sorrow without them telling me—I helped myself by helping others know joy.  Not being it for them, that’s when things have gotten messy for me in life prior…when people become like an addict (dependent) or v.v..

Not to be joy but rather enhance life and in turn the sharing God.

Most folks as an adult I find super uptight often lol lol I relate best when the childlike is visible or reachable in others because that IS my being.  It isn’t regression it is more an undoing of all the situational and environmental twisting, bending and breaking.  A have taken back that prepubescent wonder, awe and innocence, not sinless by any stretch.

This is a struggle, the uptight who guard that child in them with white knuckles… “Let the children come to me.”  We need not white knuckle to cling to Him, however, we do it rather than “let the children come to me.”

One flashing his batman key ring the other day when I wore my Robin shirt!! (childlike)

I suppose why I am sharing this is because this is Church for me “let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!”
This is my life.  There is no separate--Church life and life life are one = childlike not foolish nor infantile; I have come to Him and I love when others do too, especially with me and He.

God is this really cool toy I have and I want to share it with all the “kids” and not just for show and tell!

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬ ‪#‎asheepsruleofthumb‬

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Middle of the night

Tap on the shoulder

<Unresponsive>

     I need you

     Slight body thrust

I'm right here

Attention gained

What's on your mind?

     Just talk to me…

You ok?

     Just talk to me..

'Home' is key for me

Sometimes my head gets lost

Best to stay in one place

I know

I go off roaming around

Here and there instead

Present moment by moment

Presence warmly felt

Selfish need kicks in

Overthinking

Cold, lonely, longing

Comfortable silence switch flipped

off

Free falling abandonment

Just because I'm not there

Doesn't mean I'm not there

Playing over and over again

Comforts me

While breaking my heart

     Why are you crying?

Just talking to you…

      You ok?

Attention gained

You're right here…

                                                         F.R.O.G.  (Fully Rely On GOD)

Before You Smash That Wall--STOP!

There is a lot of fear amongst us.  Fear of the unknown.  As soon as one raises real concern, immediate reactions well "you could have or should have" and then the well, I was here or there and couldn't have…point the finger back and defend.

Totally missing the point: HEAR what is said NOT defend.  Not everything is an attack, change is not an attack nor should it need defending.  We are human, it happens, nevertheless--our Faith is based on not knowing everything…

If we, (we being every individual including myself), are so unable to hear when we listen and are so quick to stand guard, defend, we will remain in the state this world is in!  Tearing down walls, building bridges is a hopeful vision, however, I hate to be the bearer of bad news; any fool with tools just can't go around smashing walls:

"Is The Wall Really Load-Bearing?

The first step is to determine whether or not the wall is truly load-bearing. Some contractors and construction crews wrongfully assume all of their walls are load-bearing, but this simply isn't true. In a typical residential floor plan, you can expect the walls running closest to the interior are load-bearing, and tearing them down without first replacing this support will result in unsound structural integrity.

So, how do you know for sure if a wall bears some of the building's weight? Rather than using your best judgment, you should refer to the architectural blueprints. This will reveal important information about the structure, including which walls are load-bearing and which ones aren't. Walls that aren't load-bearing are known as partition walls, simply because they separate areas of the home or building. Partition walls are much easier to remove, and you don't have to worry about jeopardizing the structure’s integrity.

In order to safely remove a load-bearing wall, you'll need to construct a new support to take over its job. Do some research to locate a professional architect in your area and give them a call for a quote on designing a wall replacement. Some architects work in conjunction with builders, taking care of all the necessary work.

A professional architect will inspect the structure to determine the best course of action for replacing the load-bearing wall. Something as simple as a column or two strategically constructed inside the home or building might be enough to hold the weight. Other times, however, a full wall might be necessary to replace the load." (courtesy of Cynergy Ergonomics Blog Post by, Mike  http://www.cynergyergonomics.com/blog/safety-precautions-follow-when-removing-load-bearing-wall)

Fear of not knowing everything...a powerful weapon, more powerful than a finger that pulls a trigger or hands that swing a sledge hammer without proper understanding…

Just some #FaithfulFriday thoughts and prayers! 

"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!

Sunday's Sermon:

?Clueless?

                           ?Clueless?

Have you ever felt locked in your own head?

Knowing full well you speak English,

just seems no one understands what you have said.

Sadly, at times,

you lack the ability to access your own thoughts

and mind

competently...

To the point of just wanting to bust it wide open,

for then,

people could see

what you mean to say…

Cartoon strips of visuals running through your mind,

when others speak, as if, that is in fact,

how you comprehend what’s being said.

So much to be said for yourself,

gifted artistically, much easier to express in that way

but,

again,

lacking the ability to access -

all that you keep

                           locked in your own head…

Shadows

Time has ceased; 

Time for real within.

Time for real listening.

Time for real responses.

preoccupation,

ruling devices...

Ding, ping, bubble sounds

normally accepted

full attention.

Curt.

Abrupt.

Hustle 'n Bustle.

Ears bent with a twist

or

spinning of the wrist.

compounded,

compressed...

Time for real sharing.

Time for real words.

Time for shared silence.

quiet...

Moments

rarely duly noted,

voiceless,

shadows all around...

TV Preacher Hits Home Run

When I fired up the TV this morning it was some TV preacher preaching to a huge, packed, convention center somewhere. I was still fumbling about feeding boys(cats), starting coffee and opening windows but I was stopped dead in my tracks…

He was preaching something I've never heard preached--The Song of Solomon. There is a song by Kate Bush I love based on the Song of Solomon, but that really has nothing to do with this, but I do indeed like Kate Bush! Anyway, he was preaching everything I have come into living and feeling and believing and knowing for myself, true self. He points out how there is a very small bit of sexual intimacy within the book of Solomon, it is conversation. It is intimacy on a whole other level, a level in which God wants for us to know. Lying with one is a step taken too soon often, not truly knowing pure and absolute intimacy with God as well as another. He then was going on about how sexual attraction is an extremely strong emotion, especially when one loves another. It is important to keep those emotions in check (Paul speaks of this a few times, if you cannot then marry. If you can, remain unmarried.), not only because it is Biblically so but because the way to true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. That is where this television preacher had me--true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing.

He did go on "for the young people out there" if you think marriage is one big sexual encounter from the time you say I do until you drag your tired feet through the pearly gates, you are way off base and anyone here in a committed relationship can probably tell you better than anyone just how true this is! LOL 

My rambling here is what I caught before this program ended and my coffee was done, however, where he had me was preaching Solomon and the; true intimacy is not through means of sexual sharing. This is solely where he had me for reasons I never knew why in the past, often asked "why, what's wrong with you?" It was wrong not wanting to, it was wrong not wanting to.
What is wrong with me that something feels so empty and crushing if the opposite of this is wrong, this is supposed to be right. Often my "afterglow" thoughts, not very afterglow in reality.

I've always, in hindsight, known the right path for me is not sexual intimacy. Hearing this television preacher for a few moments has cast a Job-like light for me…I am of no gender or orientation here because the way for me here is not sexual intimacy and ya know what, there's nothing wrong with me! There’s never been anything wrong with me!!

Now, I am not sharing this as a this is the way for all. Nope, we all are different and ya know what, whatever your way is--there's nothing wrong with you!!

*This Pic Hangs Near My Desk:

Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

Get Over Ourselves

It is as if He (THE Prince of Peace) takes a back burner, when really we need to stress more and more the power of faith, hope, love and prayer in lieu of frustration, negativity and fear. 

What I see with my own life is that prayer works better than anything I can try to gain control of--especially when reality often is-it is out of my control.

What I can do is MY part peacefully, hopefully and faithfully. And when overwhelmed by the vile seeds being tossed for planting in this place, turn to those of loving nature, turn within, turn away from those who are temporarily lost.

If we are to be one fairly positive functioning unit we must set ego aside. Just as charity begins at home, (you aren't much good to others if you aren't tending home), so is working for the "Common Good" of all. 

*Regardless of religious denomination and or affiliation, individually we have what it takes for peace on earth, even in storms, when we unmask ourselves to ourselves!

insurance (ɪnˈʃʊərəns; -ˈʃɔː-)
n
1. (Insurance)
a. the act, system, or business of providing financial protection for property, life, health, etc, against specified contingencies, such as death, loss, or damage, and involving payment of regular premiums in return for a policy guaranteeing such protection
b. the state of having such protection
c. Also called: insurance policy the policy providing such protection
d. the pecuniary amount of such protection
e. the premium payable in return for such protection
f. (as modifier): insurance agent; insurance broker; insurance company.
2. a means of protecting or safeguarding against risk or injury.

**This is an internet photo, I do not own this photo.

It Is Written

"It's going down, I'm yelling timber!" - Pitbull & Kesha

Yep!  You know it, 
the faithful blindsided,
evil is evil because it's very convincing

Proverbs 14:5

eyes open,
haze free,
holy shit - that's the "I've always known you"...

Malachi 3:18 

Mask removed--
WOW!, 
Didn't see that "clothing" coming!
Though it is as it was written...

2 Timothy 4:3-4 

God is calling us forward,

Luke 15:1-7

We must go where we must (poached) to know;
Hello!

1 John 4:1

Nope, not locking horns any more--
God has me stepping aside now,
my services no longer needed here...

2 Timothy 4:17

He is gathering His flock,
He has been roused with anger;
Shepard His own sheep now,
just as it was written...

Ezekiel 34:11-16

Now what?  None of my business!!!
Titus 3:10-11 

Poached

Needs not met the way I am
subtly,
convinced I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

            Blind

Like a TV drama where you see
someone coming out of a coma or something...
hazy rippling
conscious, subconscious back and forth
usually followed by;
where am I?
this isn't home?
how did I get here?
Ripped from who you are, unaware.
Questions now, not okay,
stay in the haze - immunity...


            Now I See

Needs not met the way I am
subtly convinced
I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

Ripped from who I am,
Thanks be to God for finding me!

Grab a Shovel, Spade or Spoon or...

To the days when it was okay to go outside and dig a hole. Just decide I wanna dig a hole and a hole was dug.

If questions were asked; "what's ya doing?" Digging a hole was acceptable! "Where ya digging to?" I don't know was acceptable! "You'll dig yourself to China soon" was encouraging and comfortable. No one worrying about this hole in the middle of the yard, or why this hole was in the middle of the yard, no one worrying what the passers by thought.

Prayers for hole digging mentality and encouragement, prayers for finding and reclaiming our inborn innocence.

We are all God's children and it takes a village...

Dig Deep.  

ME

Crucified and risen with Him, once again--

I am feeling compelled to say/clarify that I am really of no real gender in this temporary place. The vehicle given to me is that of a woman, "she." For a better understanding, as I have felt it since about six, yes 6 years old: There is a reason I am missing my penis! Society telling me I am a little girl so you like little boys--okay, nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are a lesbian so you like not just women but lesbian women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are transgendered so you like straight women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me (or a person I knew in the 90's) maybe you're a gay man--nope, I am sure that won't work.

How about I am myself and what I do or don't do, have or lack is between me and God, often the thoughts I have.

Let me tell you what I actually know and knew all growing up;
I will never marry. I am not like other folks who are wired for earthly formalities. I have the soul of a man and a poet no less, almost Sage like--yes Sage. Neither here nor there, moving on: I was born a EUNUCH if a label helps.
(However, I did fulfill the "procreate purpose" in 1993)

I was born and named Michelle Lynn Albee and within a few months of birth named Tiger, Tie for short. Except my Grandma Albee spelled it Tyger and I always liked it best that way but my mom hated she did that. Until 3rd grade teachers called me "Tiger" then I was told I had to use my "real name" as others made that call for me, "real."

The real of it is for me, until I am made aware of my body I don't see myself gendered…buying bras--that's an awareness, PMS an awareness, you get the picture wink emoticonI am not in search of my body so to speak, I have one here, it is what it is and as you see it. Now, my eternal life I already see and know that body that is how and why I am comfortable just being me…

I have no desire what so ever in "changing" anything or fit a "label" or "conform" to anything.
In the early 1990's and mid 1990's two of my 3 'serious' (attempts at) relationships with (straight) women brought me home books on sex change. That was the terminology then. I read and pondered to come back to it would ultimately be so that others saw what I already did and do. I am created in God's image, I see what He does who cares if others don't. I married God; vowed, faithful, commitment.

The moral of this story is I wear what I like, hair what I like and do as I do because that is me, not to be or become, fit into or be seen as; "X" "Y" or "Z."

My "real" label I had stamped on my neck in 2009 for if and when I NEED one: MLA

I am here for purposes and my purposes need no gender identity. What people use, she, he, it, hey you, crazy, I don't really care, honest. I understand we live in a place where we need pronouns and labels to make our way but please know I personally don't live them nor am defined by them.

In transition: to see and be what He, the Risen Christ, shows me and leads me…
                                                                        ME

 smile emoticon