--Thinking about change and growth

Growing older used to scare the hell out of me,

a lot of hearing about:

The must find someone

or

The need to find someone

for this existence.

Must have a plan, called to?

or

Find purpose (like it's lost),

to exist.

I often felt a very inadequate

cold and lonely presence

I am ever so thankful that those days are behind me--

The real deal is so matter-of-fact:

As Billie Holiday says:

"Ain't nobody's business if I do

Nobody's business

Ain't nobody's business

Nobody's business if I do…"

As Billy Idol says:

"Well there's nothing to lose

And there's nothing to prove

I'll be dancing with myself…"

"True Self--who you are in God and who God is in you--and to live a generous life from that Infinite Source." --Fr. Richard Rohr

My Call the Sequel

http://tyunstoppable.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-call.html --you can find the original here

This was scribbled one year ago today…

Being I only had one bizarre comment on Google+ when it went live on my blog last year, I feel perhaps, I should break this down a bit.  Let me back track, the comment was something to the effect that I have an odd way of Christianity.  I do!!  (According to mainstream society) 

Okay so I scribbled this down while I was listening to Dave Matthews Crash CD.  I like to, at times, give credit to what I am listening to.  Because I know these people and know they are good people worth endorsing-No.  Because, the Spirit moves in everything, and I mean everything.

Title:  My Call

1st 4 lines/words = The holy (no pun intended, okay maybe!) crap I am not worthy.  To the self-examination question--Shame? 

2nd set of 7 lines/words = Rationalize, justifying, the but it was because or they started it so I…  To the self-examination question--Scared?

3rd set of 4 lines/words = THE Light coming into the darkness.  Feeling Grace.

4th set of 3 lines/words = False self to True self.  And that, friends, I am learning should feel uncomfortable and a bit chaotic.  Dig Deep.

5th set of lines/words = Pretty easy to understand--"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 

6th and final line/word = "Abnormality!" --NOT MAINSTREAM.  Not "normal" when I am often listened to…

Celibate.  Sober.  My friends are older.  Love of Christian Discipline.  I could go on and on.

The exclamation point = I love being New Life "Abnormal"  [2 Corinthians 5:17]

And these calls from God aren't just this one time, but every time I am called:  it is good, even if some liminal spaces are agonizing.

"Want To Look Around"

https://youtu.be/KGOHpMWKpls 

05 - ODSS Vocal Class 2005 - Oh Won't You Sit Down

I was recently recalling two hymns from my youth; "Soon and Very Soon" and Come by Here AKA "Kumbaya" when later that day this melody began to play!  I'd forgotten, "Oh Won't You Sit Down, Lord."  Just makes me share a YouTube version of it.  With a bit of my week.

This one is someone's lost hair-clip, fake, but still pretty lying there

Good Morning, DJ!

MINE, damn it! LOL

"Simplify your Life

Give up what you don't need and be glad you did"

I love this!  Boy and automatically where does my head go?  STUFF!

Clothes, shoes, Technological Devices, Knickknacks or Bric-a-Brac,

Cluttered up living spaces, Magazines, Recipe clippings, Coupons,

Overstocked; pantry, freezer and fridge,

Let us not forget--Junk drawer(s) and the I'll sift through these later, Piles…

After my mental break, in 2003, of a 17 day hospital stay severity.  I've got most of this whittled down to pre-assembled, break it all down with a phillips head and an allen wrench in less than a few hours, box it up and a $19.99 U-Haul is more than enough space than I need.  Truth be told, I still have way more than I actually need, (shoes, clothes, glasses), how I rationalize(?) this is it is a small way of "self medicating" or "self soothing" not to  a manic degree.  And I donate like crazy as I rotate seasonal "stock."

Maybe because my hand was pretty forced during those not a pot to piss in years, more than once did I move with next to nothing, because I had no one to help and no money anyway; just some clothes, a chair I could carry, a few other things a few bus rides could carry--my cats too…

Regardless of how it happened, I am better for it!  How so, makes me dig deep:

• I am never really worried about anything, the only thing that I go out of my way a bit to protect in my living quarters is my boys (cats).  Added security, carriers at the ready accompanied by an old school 3G LG Rumor2 prepaid.  Just in case!
• My spirit or sense of being feels lighter and brighter the more open things are.  The real behind less is more.
• I feel more secure.  I don't know how to explain the insecurity that came with having all this crap.  As I reflect almost an anxiety at times like where will it all go, how will I get there, I need these things because they are mine…MINE--Yes, that's it!  I no longer feel these/this = MINE. 

                                                   I've lost the MINE attitude and learned POSSESSION is NOT security

Let's follow this thread

To the next place, which always makes me giggle that it doesn't jump first, "material" does…

Simplify…Giving up what I don't need internally…glad you did:

Addictions, Prejudices, False Self, Selfishness, Control,

Complicating & Compromising, Last Word,

Greed, Vanity,

Revenge,

                           Fear;

                             Be love rather than "seeking love"

                                                                                            }     outwardly…

                             Be me rather than "seeking me"

No longer...

[I have long since ditched Cable Television and do old school over the digital air waves and Netflix]  

No longer viewing television news...or reading/"Following" television news online. 

I will old school news paper, at the YMCA when I workout two days a week or at the Library--there is no need for me to have that dropped at my doorstep daily either, or all access online.

I will live my life and welcome all that and those I encounter with kindness and respect.

  Looking UP!

Priorities

What's really sad to me, is the media creating more crap rather than helping to bridge the gap.  I know, many disagree with this, I took a small beating on Twitter (shrugs)!  However, I regret perhaps that some can't see the advantage true media could have in today's times.  As if so 'brainwashed' by cheap media, scare and ratings tactics that anything outside that is problematic (ratings v. unbiased fact and positive change).
Maybe I am not wording correctly.

I know that I am not out there being angry and hateful and stirring pots to get heated reactions.  I am not out there with a heart of hurting people or nature.  I am not out there with a soul filled with me, me, me...
Yet, I feel at times held accountable for those who are.

My catch phase is; "sorry."  Even when I have done nothing; I am bumped into, I say, "sorry" I see someone belittled somewhere by another, if I have opportunity, I say "I'm sorry."

Because ya know what, this current state the whole world is in, not just America, is pathetically sorry!

Maybe I am a blind fool and should just keep my head down and mouth shut, which is what many have told me in my life, but when I feel something deeply it is as if wild horses are dragging it out...

What I feel right now is a whole lot of many emotions at once and the media, our local media is stoking the fire.  FYI, it's Summer and we don't need any more heat.

I shall say no more, just keep on keeping on, with my head bowed down and my hands clasped together, for prayer is greater than words.

"No, not just for some, oh, but just for ever, every, everyone"

Prince of Peace, your Spirit dwells within and among us all, 
please Lord, 
ignite that consuming blaze of Love in all those who are so violently angry...

https://youtu.be/y3X4SmuSN8s

Lyrics

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone

Lord, we don't need another mountain
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross
Enough to last 'till the end of time

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone

Lord, we don't need another meadow
There are cornfields and wheat fields enough to grow
There are sunbeams and moonbeams enough to shine
Oh, listen, lord, if you want to know

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some, oh, but just for ever, every, everyone

What the world needs now is love, sweet love (oh, is love)
What the world needs now is love, sweet love (oh, is love)
What the world needs now is love, sweet love (oh, is love)

Openness

Open to receive

     any and all things

     without resistance;

Preconceived, self-directed, manipulated notions

no longer will do,

     though, they time to time flutter about

     in and out of the mind

like a butterfly, effortless amongst a breeze

            Allowance...

Lust of a different kind

good, bad or indifferent;

    

Accept it.

     Hold it.

     Contemplate it.

Dance with it…

More questions than answers;

Awing and inspiring

     fear's not knee jerking

rather, gently nudged to step back

    view the landscape…

Let Freedom Ring

BE

Ready To Ride

"15 miles on the Erie Canal"

Let It Be!

Great Ride with friends

yep, let us ride the Erie Canal Lock

Have a wonderful and safe Independence Day!

Who Knows

Who Knows

June 29, 2015 · 

Sometimes ya just don't know "why?"
and you probably never will.
Perhaps, it is best that way,
the unknowing
but, remembering that can be more troublesome 
than the question(s).

Who knows...

who you really are?

http://m.gty.org/resources/articles/A214/nothing-safe-about-secret-sin#.VYwooUtMuwc.facebook

A great read, again, as I read it last year and found how I find it additionally/differently helpful in this time and space.

This is what jumps and pumps within right now: "As a matter of fact, your secret life is the real litmus test of your character: "As he thinks within himself, so he is" (Proverbs 23:7). Do you want to know who you really are? Take a hard look at your private life—especially your innermost thoughts."

"Do you want to know who you really are?
Take a hard look at your private life—especially your innermost thoughts"

An invitation for us all...

Yes.

My innermost thoughts are often very celestial/Spiritual.  It's not that I am out of touch with "reality" it's more of a I see, feel and live the best I can 'here' in the moment.  

I am one who will choose the Spiritual over earthly every time...(though I am human and yes, I fail when earthly gets to be tempting time to time)

By that I mean, I live open to receive all unseen, unknown.  All God is giving to me; especially the promise of life eternally.  And the pieces shared now!  

I, again, best I can 'here' live that eternal reunion and love, true love.  Sometimes almost a creating of time and space for that in the now amongst the heartbreak and sadness.  An ascension of sorts.

I am one who loves being gentle, kind, serene, playful--not an unwise folly, joyful and loving.  Greater than not those are the basis of my innermost thoughts.

First and foremost my innermost thoughts are I want to be as good and pure and disciplined as possible 'here.'  I want NOT to sin.  I want NOT to temp others to sin.  I want NOT to keep company of sin.  I want to be, carry and company Peace.  

(this is not a one time shot and finished answer, always a work in process and progress)

I'd say I am wanting what God is preparing for me...

I am quiet, I am ready, I am faithful, I am wild oats sown, I am His.

For what shall I pray;

Holiest God of all, 
keep me in ways that are fruitful to you and for you--
moment by moment; awake, at rest - in Spirit, body and mind. 

Forgiving, loving and guiding all my earthly ways...
In Christ's name always, amen.

Serenity Now

Faithful Friday!

I met God very young on a “you’re real” level before ever knowing Jesus and the Spirit.  If this makes sense.  I didn’t have that knowledge or access to it or being as young as 4 that kind of grasping for all that but I knew God; that maintained and sustained ME in all my horror growing up—it is in that I am closest to God. God was (is) my go to.

I also in some way, even young, knew others at places of deep sorrow without them telling me—I helped myself by helping others know joy.  Not being it for them, that’s when things have gotten messy for me in life prior…when people become like an addict (dependent) or v.v..

Not to be joy but rather enhance life and in turn the sharing God.

Most folks as an adult I find super uptight often lol lol I relate best when the childlike is visible or reachable in others because that IS my being.  It isn’t regression it is more an undoing of all the situational and environmental twisting, bending and breaking.  A have taken back that prepubescent wonder, awe and innocence, not sinless by any stretch.

This is a struggle, the uptight who guard that child in them with white knuckles… “Let the children come to me.”  We need not white knuckle to cling to Him, however, we do it rather than “let the children come to me.”

One flashing his batman key ring the other day when I wore my Robin shirt!! (childlike)

I suppose why I am sharing this is because this is Church for me “let the children come to me. Don’t stop them!”
This is my life.  There is no separate--Church life and life life are one = childlike not foolish nor infantile; I have come to Him and I love when others do too, especially with me and He.

God is this really cool toy I have and I want to share it with all the “kids” and not just for show and tell!

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬ ‪#‎asheepsruleofthumb‬

Pillow Talk

Pillow Talk

Middle of the night

Tap on the shoulder

<Unresponsive>

     I need you

     Slight body thrust

I'm right here

Attention gained

What's on your mind?

     Just talk to me…

You ok?

     Just talk to me..

'Home' is key for me

Sometimes my head gets lost

Best to stay in one place

I know

I go off roaming around

Here and there instead

Present moment by moment

Presence warmly felt

Selfish need kicks in

Overthinking

Cold, lonely, longing

Comfortable silence switch flipped

off

Free falling abandonment

Just because I'm not there

Doesn't mean I'm not there

Playing over and over again

Comforts me

While breaking my heart

     Why are you crying?

Just talking to you…

      You ok?

Attention gained

You're right here…

                                                         F.R.O.G.  (Fully Rely On GOD)

Before You Smash That Wall--STOP!

There is a lot of fear amongst us.  Fear of the unknown.  As soon as one raises real concern, immediate reactions well "you could have or should have" and then the well, I was here or there and couldn't have…point the finger back and defend.

Totally missing the point: HEAR what is said NOT defend.  Not everything is an attack, change is not an attack nor should it need defending.  We are human, it happens, nevertheless--our Faith is based on not knowing everything…

If we, (we being every individual including myself), are so unable to hear when we listen and are so quick to stand guard, defend, we will remain in the state this world is in!  Tearing down walls, building bridges is a hopeful vision, however, I hate to be the bearer of bad news; any fool with tools just can't go around smashing walls:

"Is The Wall Really Load-Bearing?

The first step is to determine whether or not the wall is truly load-bearing. Some contractors and construction crews wrongfully assume all of their walls are load-bearing, but this simply isn't true. In a typical residential floor plan, you can expect the walls running closest to the interior are load-bearing, and tearing them down without first replacing this support will result in unsound structural integrity.

So, how do you know for sure if a wall bears some of the building's weight? Rather than using your best judgment, you should refer to the architectural blueprints. This will reveal important information about the structure, including which walls are load-bearing and which ones aren't. Walls that aren't load-bearing are known as partition walls, simply because they separate areas of the home or building. Partition walls are much easier to remove, and you don't have to worry about jeopardizing the structure’s integrity.

In order to safely remove a load-bearing wall, you'll need to construct a new support to take over its job. Do some research to locate a professional architect in your area and give them a call for a quote on designing a wall replacement. Some architects work in conjunction with builders, taking care of all the necessary work.

A professional architect will inspect the structure to determine the best course of action for replacing the load-bearing wall. Something as simple as a column or two strategically constructed inside the home or building might be enough to hold the weight. Other times, however, a full wall might be necessary to replace the load." (courtesy of Cynergy Ergonomics Blog Post by, Mike  http://www.cynergyergonomics.com/blog/safety-precautions-follow-when-removing-load-bearing-wall)

Fear of not knowing everything...a powerful weapon, more powerful than a finger that pulls a trigger or hands that swing a sledge hammer without proper understanding…

Just some #FaithfulFriday thoughts and prayers! 

"worship"

What a true blessing, as a usual, but as I awaited the bus sitting on the steps of the adjacent church such wonderful conversations and interactions, with folks.

I very well could've waited on my own porch however, I love sitting here and the music from an across the street church was already in full swing and can be heard almost all day Sunday from my humble dwelling.

Today as I sat making chit-chat with everyone going in and out, greeting those who attend this particular church while I am killing time, being pleasantly invited to not only sit here, on these close to the bus shelter steps, whenever but stop by whenever--

I realized there was a time when even going into a church was so uncomfortable, or the thought not really scared me but freaked me out because I knew I was not 'church bred'.  I didn't grow up having church as a part of my life.  I often would think no, I can hold it while walking around rather than even stop at a church office to ask if I could go to the bathroom because I didn't feel I'd know how to properly ask.

I see now that I feel much more comfortable.  A humble comfortable, bigger yet, I have found my own "Christ" alive and well that even if not "proper thoroughbred"  religiously or denominationally ("Denominational DNA" quote).  I am properly 'bread' in Him... universally!

To the Bay was where I was headed to "worship."

I should say, that I am a member of a church currently and I am struggling.  I am mentally ill and that is not talked about.  I also am learning that much of what I have spent time in therapy learning of myself is; stop, figure out what I feel and why and then proceed with calm conversation is being repressed to regressing...unfortunately, seems no one talks 'real ' freely in the church, is what I am feeling.

The bad:  risk of undoing what I have worked hard on.

The good:  sermons and worship and church are everywhere I am!