If I May

heavy-laden 'tis this heart of mine
deeply troubled, my soul

head-shit gets so out of control
Mother Nature, on steroids 

smoke clears
yellow tape, "Disaster Area"                            

yep, 'twas I who ripped through
her(e), head in hands

in Jesus Christ we are forgiven
thanks be to God, however

if I may be so bold
I am so sorry I hurt you, I pray daily...

"...and there you have the facts of life"

Awoke without a hitch just a few minutes past six.  After topping off the cat dishes and starting the caffeine IV drip, I turned the TV on and caught the last 15 minutes of "The Facts of Life."

It was the episode where Jo and Blair go back home for the weekend, each staying with a long time friend and separately have their own same experiences; realizing their friends are "the same."  Jo has an experience with her long time friend, who maintains the old Bronx "us against them" rough and tumble rude attitude, who soon takes to getting angry that Jo has changed since being away at Eastland boarding school.  Taking shots like; when you're there do you drink with your pinkie up?  Or down?

The scene takes place at the Bronx community center where Jo's friend gets riled up at some elder men playing checkers all because they asked if she could pick up two they dropped.  She again gets riled up, trying to rile the Jo she once knew to join her in defacing a newly finished, Spanish mural.  The end result was a scuffle where Jo takes the can of spray paint and points out the beauty of the mural and that the turf Jesse is sabotaging out of hostile stick-to-itiveness is a community center--and they are all part of the same community.  This leaves Jo's friend exiting with a stay somewhere else because now you're on "their side"-unity within community's side.


Meanwhile Blair has a very similar visit with her friend from an equally affluent background.  Her friend having a gathering and the maid is MIA.  This is a travesty and unacceptable and everything is ruined moment.  After trying to reason her friend into it isn't the end of the world, Blair grabs an apron deciding to make tuna salad, happily.  Her friend thinks this is no time for jokes or even worse - Blair knows how to use a can opener! The whole time Blair combats small jabs about how, clearly, it is the poor influence of the once well revered now will just let "anyone" in Eastland boarding school. 

The maid arrives after having a tooth extracted and points out to Blair's friend how everything is preset and that she is on schedule.  Blatant disregard and disrespect for the maid upsets Blair and she asks the maid how her tooth is.  This inquiring riles up Blair's friend enough to make the point that Blair has become something undesirable; "on her side"-the maid's side.


As Blair meets up with Jo at the coffee shop to head back to Eastland, they have a love hate relationship mind you, without saying much at all, they realize they are grateful to have each other and that the words, "the same" bear both sadness and gladness.



I found this particularly timely this morning as just yesterday I struggled with thoughts of is this "normal" that people get upset when I'm growing and changing in positive ways?  Is it "normal" that I see those negative and unhealthy more and more the stronger the positive and healthy becomes?  It is "normal" to feel some try to rile the 'old me' up?  Is it "normal" some will get upset with my growth?  Is it "normal" I question my positive strides because I'm feeling some resistance around me?

Yes; 
bearing both sadness and gladness!

'desocialize'

I have mental problems and the last couple years was a new one for me - "rapid cycling" Bipolar, I didn't know this one because it is not my normal Bipolar cycle. 

Church is the only place I can take a break from myself.  I am with me 24/7/365, though, as a caregiver as well and I think even if people can't understand my mental struggles; that there is a whole hell of a lot that goes on behind the scenes before I can present myself to the day/others--outside my home, there are many that can understand the caregiver roll portion and needing a break.  From those with kids to those with aging folks and to those who work in the field, etc. you need a break.  I don't have that option, even on vacation, (or "stay-cation"), I have to tend to me and there is greater "prep-work." 

     Train of thought:  at church I get a break, even if I am doing things or something, it is a break:

     It means a lot for me to be able to feel uncrowded, I feel crowded by myself often.  I don't want to talk to people who ask; "so, when can we get together?"--that is not a break.  I don't want folks climbing on/over me or sitting on my lap--I need air.  I don't want folks to take away from my time of being able to receive.  Receive Peace.  Church is the place I feel able (but struggling to be fully able) to just rest and enjoy Presence.  I know many come on Sunday and like to socialize, cool!  I need to 'desocialize' not be anti-social but,  desocialize.  That for me means, feeling shared space and comfortable silence while among others in a place and with folks I want to be around, (kind of the opposite of resocialize).  If folks want to talk about the sermon, (which I wish more would), I would sit for hours after and do that.  Or about some type of spiritual thoughts, questions, pondering, what-ifs--I'm in.  If you want to ask how I am feeling and I begin to tell you and explain and now well, that's enough here, no one gives me a chance to really answer it is more a rhetorical question, I dislike small talk--we don't have to make small talk. 

     I guess my point is what I need is for folks to understand I am not able to have a break often and if you'd like to engage me during this time, please understand you are treading where I'd rather you didn't, during this time.  If you want to be part of my "wellness" you have to be part of my "illness" -  you just can't be part of my life when I am "okay" or "looking sweet" - all in with me and I understand not everyone wants a friend they have to be careful with and that's okay, I'm really understanding there!  I will still gladly greet and be nice and jovial when I feel good but that is as deep as my friendships really will go, especially when I am at church--that truly is my break from myself.  My needed time away from myself-that is really sacred space, one day I may be able to share that with one really special.

I can no longer "settle" my time--hence, some outside church adjustments I am making too.  I cannot be settling my time there anymore either, I need my time to centrally focus on church and spiritual and mental stimulation, that is stability, for me --realization of the juggling I've been doing is actually hindering not helping my stability has cast new light-- I have hindered my [st]ability to form healthy relationships, by continuing to go against the grain.  By continuing to engage in unsupportive relationships and "fast food" activities I have left myself wide open for repeated "malnutrition."  

     I know this is kind of a mess and probably sounds like wow, I hate everyone and want no one to talk to me--no, not at all, please be patient, I am under construction:

     I, literally, have a team of qualified experts helping me find my way back, to me--I am one who loves more than anything where I am at, I really want to be able to form healthy relationships among those I worship with.  I really am one who knows I deserve to do what I need to do.  I really am one who won't stand in my own way, any longer, to get what I need to be healthy.  

Repeat, Deplete

People don't know how to shut the fuck up and listen.  Just shut your brain off, open your ears and close your mouth, listen.  I seek not correction or to have you cut me off, one up me or I am the same way or a solution or a nod of agreement and then off you go to say and do the exact opposite.  

My (least) favorite of them all is minimization: 

verb (used with object), minimized, minimizing. 

1.

to reduce to the smallest possible amount or degree.

2.

to represent at the lowest possible amount, value, importance,influence, etc., especially in a disparaging way; belittle.

Related forms--minimization, noun 

Here is where I am at; my "inner circle" consists of paid people, so basically I have employees to be my friends and listen (how pathetic is this); Spiritual Director, Therapist, Group therapy and Clergy.  "No, that's not true"...you're right, I have a number of folks I spend time with and a great number who want to pin me down often and spend time with me--no one really listens.  I know so much about all whom I encounter--because I listen, I cannot say the same.  I long for that one person I can call a companion or a life partner--a non-romantic life partner, I had that once, was nice but, I am a mess and no, no, that can't be normal or right...LMFAO people--I am so damn sick and tired of every damn body knowing me better than I do--and these are the folks not paid BTW, you know, don't listen...I have a mental illness.

No, you are not that way.  I get that way sometimes too  -- "minimization." 

I want my life back...I have so much dirt under what's left of my fingernails from clawing, white-knuckle holding on and pulling myself back up from what other's "minimize" and tell me; "I get that way sometimes too."


Okay--

Do you wish you were dead?  Do you want nothing more in the world than to not wake up??  Do you pray to God literally, "please, I want to come home now."  Do you wake disheartened that you woke to live another day like the Bill Murray movie, "Groundhog Day?"  Do you apologize for existing because you can barely deal with yourself?  Do you???  Tell me sometimes you do, I will believe that!  However, I will also tell you that this is a lifestyle for me.  God knows I am not suicidal, as do I, however, the behind the scenes of the person you know so well, (by not really listening to them), is something you have no insight into...

Before I leave the house, you have NO IDEA, the routine of things I must complete, that can either make or break my day depending on how much time I have prior.

I have become aware; I settle a lot.  I am a "pick your battles" kind of being to begin with, however, settling or not settling is not a battle.  I don't need to "settle" my time.  I deserve to do what I need to do without having to explain or "defend" myself.  That way when I do have to be "on" in the world around me, I can enjoy that, without killing myself.  The Summer is over and I have to add, I have barely done any alone wandering that I enjoy and love to do.  I have not had my bike out once.  Because the "off" time I have had has been trying to recharge and as soon as I have become recharged right back into the extrovert role, depleting me rapidly.  I am not an extrovert.  

I am not used to so many people in my life--it became like with a job--too much stress, interaction and different directions, too many places all at once.  I couldn't keep up and was juggling, I cannot do those things.  Not blaming, stress is my trigger, and I didn't read my own warning labels - "like a job" when things feel like a job or I start waking stressed like I used to when I worked or not sleeping and worrying and what day is it or what time is it--that's the trigger!  I want my life back...I really short circuit otherwise and if folks can't understand then that is okay because anything outside that, for me, is literally toxic.  

Maybe it isn't my fault people don't listen but, it is my fault going against the grain of who I am and making myself and symptoms worse.

Maybe it is my fault that I care what people think but, it's not my fault when I am telling you what I need and you're not hearing me...

Here's to taking my life back:  Spiritual Direction and Mental Therapy, Prayer and Church--these are my needs.  I'll do what I need to do for me to maintain these, aka ME.

And maybe one day, there'll be someone I can share these with.

Superseded

Lives past; so many intertwine

people, places, reinventions of self

all blur into one

any differential is null

False authenticity

the genuine stamp

Not alone there

Albeit, my heart knew better

like a foreign language

heard or read, no comprehension

shake the head, "whatever who cares"

Living dead--foolishness and folly

Superseded

I haven't turned out at all as I expected…

I expected I'd have been six feet under long ago

Not alone there

Thanks be to God

having other plans for me--redemption

Superseded

Very much alive; present day

Messy and dirty, spotless and clean

all blur into one

any differential is null

Authentic Faithfulness

the genuine Stamp

Not alone here

Better knowing my heart, albeit

Language, no longer confused

Hearing but one, universal comprehension

Bow the head, "wherever You lead"

Life abundant--salvation

Superseded

                 ~ I shall not be moved

Sitting Duck

Like a sitting duck

many thoughts?

or

none at all?

time will tell

for now

like a sitting duck

isn't so bad

not bad after all...

The "Day's Eye"

The "Day's Eye"       



                                                     
Captured

Willingly

yet

Remained

Free~

God's Novel

I really dig this title:


1.  God's Novel;  God's book; illustrations; how God reads to me; how God teaches me to read, etc.


2.  God's Novel:  God IS novel.



Often I wait to hear the story before I post here on this blog.  I always when I hear the story or feel it enough to sit down at the keyboard and wait until it just flows have an image or images of what God has shown me pop into my head.  Usually, it is already in the physical memory; Micro SD cards, Flash Drives and/or internal memory, oh and the "clouds" of many!  Sometimes it is just a matter of a day or two and there it is--God's accompanying picture!!

My Instagram account is full of God's sense of humor and our shared goofy, dorky, nonsense and our way of interacting in day to day life.  

Not many folks I know have an IG (Instagram) account or a Google+ (which I don't really use either, except for the auto-sharing of this blogspot content), everyone has Facebook.  I feel nothing but angst when I view my Facebook feed lately; what can I do about that and still share the wonderful reality God shows me?

I can create a new page!  Here is God's Novel:  Link to God's Novel

About:

God speaks to me through a lens; you are not here for you-you are here for Me.

"All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it."

Feel free, should you choose to check it out, "Follow" or "Like" it or not.  This page is mainly just images with a brief, at times, caption.

May the headline bring "Good News"

Grace and Peace,

Ty

If the Colors Run

colors soothe and comfort me
carrying my being
so many memories
far away
bleeding into one
not today
tripped and triggered
thousands of miles per second
hold on
let go
either way
alone

I stand still
here and now
whirlwinds
all around consuming me

black and white
greyscale fade and shade
focus me
once in a while
if the colors run
who will really see...

Right Path

Last night pre-bed (and pre-Dateline) I was lying in bed talking to God, like I always do, as if God is right there in the room; talking aloud about well, everything; everything we didn't already talk about earlier or even if we had, let me repeat myself, God does.

Anyway, my turn to the left, grab the Student Bible that sits there on the nightstand, and randomly open, point, think silently began (this is not an out of the ordinary practice).  I opened to Luke and pointed just below the blue study box:  I read.

 Though I remained silent, does not take away from thought or "absorption" of what I read.  It also does not mean God left the building, it just means, silence is key--for me.  For me; beneficial, needed, important.

Oh how many "answers" or "more questions than answers" I have with what we talked about and this Spiritual practice of Ours (I capitalize the O because it is God and me-notice me is a lowercase m).  However, the take away, bold, bright and beautiful is this:

     

     I am on the right path!!!  And really think about a path, if you feel so inclined to do so...let's say (for example) the canal path on a walk or bike from Brighton to Pittsford Dairy - for me that is a familiar, yet unfamiliar ride; some road, some for a moment sidewalk, some grass lol, some curb-age, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, sometimes my rear or feet hurt for a week, others not, sometimes I meet friends along the way or foes, I see familiar faces, unfamiliar, I am in my area, your area, their area, I am exhausted upon arrival, I am refreshed, then exhausted again on the way back...you get the point.

the nightstand

to be refinished this Summer--yuck (;

I am on the right path. Amen.

Comfortable Silence

Eternal "Secrets"

surround

stop and see

hear...

As you can see from the tabs on this blog, there are months I have much to say and months I appear idle.  Some of that I chalk up to my Bipolar--yes, I own it, it is mine, we coexist most often comfortably but, like any and all couples, we have our moments and disagreements. 

I digress...

Until fairly recently, I chalk this up to the Spiritual Director now in my life, see and hear need not always be shared makes sense.  I don't always need to say or share anything.  Some "secrets" are to be viewed, felt, contemplated, logged, blogged for just me and God.  All too often I found myself feeling I needed to get it out, needed to get something, anything, out. 

Sometimes God does not desire to speak through me, rather, to me

The #asheepsruleofthumb 'hint and twist of lime' here for me is; stop, see, hear; just live, live the transformation, share that:

Philippians 4 NIV

^"8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Pictorials

My Earthly Heart

shall beautifully bleed

all the while

my soul
rooted in you...

___________________________________________________________________________________

Mysterious

Wisteria

rope-like braids

encase the common

cascading

as love and prayers

upon us fall...

246

I always arrive early for anything and everything, just to set and "get my bearings" so to speak.  Church is a place of respite; home away from home.  One of my favorite (meditative, soothing) practices I have whenever I am at Church is to randomly open the hymnal.  In this practice my most "go to" style of reading is Lectio Divina.

This particular hymn pops for me often, perhaps it is because we sing the last stanza almost weekly in church.  Regardless, I randomly opened to 246 the Brian Wren "Christ Is Alive!" yesterday morning.  As I sat solo in the Sanctuary with this for a good while and as the hand bell choir began to practice, the one line that I felt over and over--felt is:  "...Love, drowned in death, shall never die."

Psalm 136 New Living Translation (NLT)

Psalm 136

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.

⁴ Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles.
His faithful love endures forever.
⁵ Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully.
His faithful love endures forever.
⁶ Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters.
His faithful love endures forever.
⁷ Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights—
His faithful love endures forever.
⁸ the sun to rule the day,
His faithful love endures forever.
⁹ and the moon and stars to rule the night.
His faithful love endures forever.

¹⁰ Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
¹¹ He brought Israel out of Egypt.
His faithful love endures forever.
¹² He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm.
His faithful love endures forever.
¹³ Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea.^[a]
His faithful love endures forever.
¹⁴ He led Israel safely through,
His faithful love endures forever.
¹⁵ but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea.
His faithful love endures forever.
¹⁶ Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness.
His faithful love endures forever.

¹⁷ Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings.
His faithful love endures forever.
¹⁸ He killed powerful kings—
His faithful love endures forever.
¹⁹ Sihon king of the Amorites,
His faithful love endures forever.
²⁰ and Og king of Bashan.
His faithful love endures forever.
²¹ God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance—
His faithful love endures forever.
²² a special possession to his servant Israel.
His faithful love endures forever.

²³ He remembered us in our weakness.
His faithful love endures forever.
²⁴ He saved us from our enemies.
His faithful love endures forever.
²⁵ He gives food to every living thing.
His faithful love endures forever.
²⁶ Give thanks to the God of heaven.

"Love...shall never die"

Glory To God Hymnal

Bucket List

     A couple weeks back some friends were mentioning their bucket list, the done and to-do again and the still need to check off.  I piped in with my theory or belief:

"I don't have a bucket list.  I figure anything I would like to do here and don't get a chance will be made abundantly opportune in the ever lasting life.  ["interesting" the comment from the one friend] So yes, buckets abundant or abundant buckets…no list required."

      I feel, deeply, this life is to deepen my soul.  With self, with others and more than anything with God; because of Jesus and via the Living Spirit.  The deeper my relationship with Him, bubbling spring, bucket not required for refreshment...whatever is set aside or tabled or not available to me here would be parching.  It's to be of no worry for it shall all and more be waiting hereafter--where time shall never be pressed for!

     Perhaps this sounds I'm off my rocker but, I must confess, this earth has nothing I want to possess or anything that I really feel I am missing by not experiencing.  It does however invite me into the robust realm of its infinite wonder.  Leaving me wanting access to all of it.  Glimpses lived while here a mere appetizer.  In waiting--imagining the beauty of so much unknown and time periods of those lived who awe me - to watch the bold, creative, mind of Michelangelo in action.  I could go on and on! 

The Lord knows my heart, so, my "bucket list" consists of what is infinite…in a world without end.  Amen.

Heart's Consumption

Living as Those Made Alive in Christ

1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.

2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

4 When Christ, who is your^a life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.

6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.^b

7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived.          

     I often have this scripture earwormed.  I actually love the whole chapter as it makes me feel included, whereas often in today's times I feel "weird" or "not normal" living happily disciplined and comfortably celibate.  I have many I know who do not understand my want and need of letting go of the "life you once lived."  Sometimes this earworm really ignites the flame of the Spirit in my heart! 

A beloved one once said, "sometimes God can break your heart."  I agree, but am seeing with those broken pieces--sometimes it has to be that shared heartbreak.  Heartbreak of earthy wedges shared between souls here on earth, where glimpses of the greater image are created:

"Christ is alive and comes to bring good news to this and every age, till earth and sky and oceans ring with joy, with justice, love and praise!"

(From the hymn; "Christ is Alive! Let Christians Sing"  Brian A. Wren (1968, 1978, alt.)

Hymn

So, this evening I felt moved enough by all of the above, welled-up within, to grab my heart coaster (as opposed to the spade, club or diamond coaster), as well as, the matches used in igniting my grill and photo until it captured the fire of the Holy Spirit felt within me...

           

Morning Scent

Morning scent

fragrantly perfect

body next to mine

that of Springtime

outside my window after a night of rain

birds fluttering about

in the background

sweetly waking me

from even the heaviest of slumber

could but one, such as I, even fathom

such wondrous love as this

without a word spoken

lyrics carried--breath after breath

such a natural state of being

closed lids

all that gaze back at me

nothing taken

nothing given

still

soul overflowing

God's own before me

without expectation

or limitation

smile permeates my face

eyes now open

curtains dancing

was it all but a dream

Or

did I just wake from reality…

side note:  3 years and 8 months today and not a drop to drink, thanks be to God

Patient Endurance

I'm okay

Everything is okay

--fear not--

Everything is okay

I'm okay

--right here--

I'm okay

--relax--

Everything is okay

--okay--

ok.

--k--