Taking Off The Mask 2016:

Taking off the mask 2016:

Do you know what it's like to have people ask; so what do you do? And fumble with a response because people do indeed, even your friends, judge you a bit--even if they won't admit or maybe don't even realize, by how you answer. I do.

Some days, I beam with pride because I look at the clock and it is 4 pm and the dishes are done, the litter has been done and taken down the three flights twice and my bed is made. The place is picked up and I've puttered around doing little things, probably at most remained seated for not even a full 30 minute TV show doing so. I may still be un-showered and doing that by 5/6 pm leaves me feeling super accomplished: showered, all neat and clean and now I can relax--relax from what? People DO ask. Managing. I managed today!

People can and do, without probably realizing, minimize that accomplishment to a state of embarrassment for me. I then cry most often realizing, myself, what a sad pathetic thing I actually, to the word around me, have done today. Sad by, wow, what a waste. Hearing how others do twice that with a 40 hour a week job and kids and no partner to help.
Hearing how what do you mean you stopped ushering at the RBTL, you loved it and it IS a sweet gig (it is). Hearing how leaving all these things was foolish but to maintain my sanity and my peace it is not. Should I keep burning hot and fast to burn out and get all psycho bitch state when then there is no one but me left around to deal with that? NO, I say. NO.

My Spiritual life is first and foremost to me and for me, everything else is secondary...

I do what I can and yes, overdo it still at times, I am deeply Spiritual and that has become my 12 step to a lot of things; balance, structure, sanity, sobriety (not a drop since 08/31/13), education, family, fellowship and gives me the strength and support I need to get out there and not only manage but share.

What I do day to day, especially at church helps me more than anyone can comprehend--I can say that confidently because, even me, living with my Bipolar1, PTSD, ADHD & GAD--Do not comprehend it, however, I try!

Thanks be to God for all the ways He has gifted me, and yes, my "issues" are gifts, a lot of years of therapy has shown me how so!!

Here's to managing today, plus 1 load of laundry and Thursday Noon fellowship!!!

Get Over Ourselves

It is as if He (THE Prince of Peace) takes a back burner, when really we need to stress more and more the power of faith, hope, love and prayer in lieu of frustration, negativity and fear. 

What I see with my own life is that prayer works better than anything I can try to gain control of--especially when reality often is-it is out of my control.

What I can do is MY part peacefully, hopefully and faithfully. And when overwhelmed by the vile seeds being tossed for planting in this place, turn to those of loving nature, turn within, turn away from those who are temporarily lost.

If we are to be one fairly positive functioning unit we must set ego aside. Just as charity begins at home, (you aren't much good to others if you aren't tending home), so is working for the "Common Good" of all. 

*Regardless of religious denomination and or affiliation, individually we have what it takes for peace on earth, even in storms, when we unmask ourselves to ourselves!

insurance (ɪnˈʃʊərəns; -ˈʃɔː-)
n
1. (Insurance)
a. the act, system, or business of providing financial protection for property, life, health, etc, against specified contingencies, such as death, loss, or damage, and involving payment of regular premiums in return for a policy guaranteeing such protection
b. the state of having such protection
c. Also called: insurance policy the policy providing such protection
d. the pecuniary amount of such protection
e. the premium payable in return for such protection
f. (as modifier): insurance agent; insurance broker; insurance company.
2. a means of protecting or safeguarding against risk or injury.

**This is an internet photo, I do not own this photo.

It Is Written

"It's going down, I'm yelling timber!" - Pitbull & Kesha

Yep!  You know it, 
the faithful blindsided,
evil is evil because it's very convincing

Proverbs 14:5

eyes open,
haze free,
holy shit - that's the "I've always known you"...

Malachi 3:18 

Mask removed--
WOW!, 
Didn't see that "clothing" coming!
Though it is as it was written...

2 Timothy 4:3-4 

God is calling us forward,

Luke 15:1-7

We must go where we must (poached) to know;
Hello!

1 John 4:1

Nope, not locking horns any more--
God has me stepping aside now,
my services no longer needed here...

2 Timothy 4:17

He is gathering His flock,
He has been roused with anger;
Shepard His own sheep now,
just as it was written...

Ezekiel 34:11-16

Now what?  None of my business!!!
Titus 3:10-11 

Poached

Needs not met the way I am
subtly,
convinced I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

            Blind

Like a TV drama where you see
someone coming out of a coma or something...
hazy rippling
conscious, subconscious back and forth
usually followed by;
where am I?
this isn't home?
how did I get here?
Ripped from who you are, unaware.
Questions now, not okay,
stay in the haze - immunity...


            Now I See

Needs not met the way I am
subtly convinced
I want to change;
you'll be there to hold my hand;
"settle in",
"it's okay",
"can't I convince you to come any closer?"

Ripped from who I am,
Thanks be to God for finding me!

Grab a Shovel, Spade or Spoon or...

To the days when it was okay to go outside and dig a hole. Just decide I wanna dig a hole and a hole was dug.

If questions were asked; "what's ya doing?" Digging a hole was acceptable! "Where ya digging to?" I don't know was acceptable! "You'll dig yourself to China soon" was encouraging and comfortable. No one worrying about this hole in the middle of the yard, or why this hole was in the middle of the yard, no one worrying what the passers by thought.

Prayers for hole digging mentality and encouragement, prayers for finding and reclaiming our inborn innocence.

We are all God's children and it takes a village...

Dig Deep.  

ME

Crucified and risen with Him, once again--

I am feeling compelled to say/clarify that I am really of no real gender in this temporary place. The vehicle given to me is that of a woman, "she." For a better understanding, as I have felt it since about six, yes 6 years old: There is a reason I am missing my penis! Society telling me I am a little girl so you like little boys--okay, nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are a lesbian so you like not just women but lesbian women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me you are transgendered so you like straight women--nope, that doesn't work. Society telling me (or a person I knew in the 90's) maybe you're a gay man--nope, I am sure that won't work.

How about I am myself and what I do or don't do, have or lack is between me and God, often the thoughts I have.

Let me tell you what I actually know and knew all growing up;
I will never marry. I am not like other folks who are wired for earthly formalities. I have the soul of a man and a poet no less, almost Sage like--yes Sage. Neither here nor there, moving on: I was born a EUNUCH if a label helps.
(However, I did fulfill the "procreate purpose" in 1993)

I was born and named Michelle Lynn Albee and within a few months of birth named Tiger, Tie for short. Except my Grandma Albee spelled it Tyger and I always liked it best that way but my mom hated she did that. Until 3rd grade teachers called me "Tiger" then I was told I had to use my "real name" as others made that call for me, "real."

The real of it is for me, until I am made aware of my body I don't see myself gendered…buying bras--that's an awareness, PMS an awareness, you get the picture wink emoticonI am not in search of my body so to speak, I have one here, it is what it is and as you see it. Now, my eternal life I already see and know that body that is how and why I am comfortable just being me…

I have no desire what so ever in "changing" anything or fit a "label" or "conform" to anything.
In the early 1990's and mid 1990's two of my 3 'serious' (attempts at) relationships with (straight) women brought me home books on sex change. That was the terminology then. I read and pondered to come back to it would ultimately be so that others saw what I already did and do. I am created in God's image, I see what He does who cares if others don't. I married God; vowed, faithful, commitment.

The moral of this story is I wear what I like, hair what I like and do as I do because that is me, not to be or become, fit into or be seen as; "X" "Y" or "Z."

My "real" label I had stamped on my neck in 2009 for if and when I NEED one: MLA

I am here for purposes and my purposes need no gender identity. What people use, she, he, it, hey you, crazy, I don't really care, honest. I understand we live in a place where we need pronouns and labels to make our way but please know I personally don't live them nor am defined by them.

In transition: to see and be what He, the Risen Christ, shows me and leads me…
                                                                        ME

 smile emoticon

Faithful Friday

We should spend our time preaching and teaching Love. Tending and mending.

If we have nothing nice to say just say nothing (a fool runs their mouth a wise person keeps quiet). Stay away from that and those that raise blood pressure with toxins and negativity. We clearly cannot live under rocks and are exposed to so much hostility and divisions. Let us not continue the pattern of walls with illusion of bridges.

They'll know we are Christians by our Love. Love for God, ourselves and each other. Not they will know we are Christians by our anger and outrage. By our Love, by our Love...

If we cannot preach and feed within our own personal space emulating the living Loving Word, we are impostors. We are none the less guilty of the violence and division we want so badly to cease.

In speaking with three very good friends yesterday about the daily strife we are amidst I felt myself getting riled up and BP rising--as did they. This is not who we are, our true selves. I know them and they me, we are peaceful and kind and gentle and of good nature and fun.

What shall we spread?? What shall we share?? What is the pulpit called by God to do???
     --LOVE, nurturing, tending and mending.

The only place to begin is within. We must go in to go out!

They will know we are Christians by our Love, by our Love. Amen.

‪#‎FaithfulFriday‬  #saynotopoliticsatChriststable 

It IS and It Is Good!!

Several weeks back I was sharing with one of our pastors how awe striking this method is:  (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for today:  https://cac.org/the-magic-and-mystery-of-intimacy-2016-03-01/ )

What I find so engulfing is noting more and more the cross-references of prophecies and the whole God’s predestination of those in the Bible. Right from the beginning, God letting Adam know--no worries, though by the way this isn't going to be pretty in the meantime, but, the seed of the woman (Christ) will redeem. Stepping on the snakes head (destroying Satan/sin) though his fangs will bruise Christ's heel by way of his sufferings.

Noting more and more the importance of the Law (Mosaic) for Israel, as well as during Christ's ministry here. And noting bigger picture, so to speak.

How key the Abrahamic covenant is to understanding the Gospel.

All so comforting, like when I feel like Thomas, noting and new sight just pushes that all away—like being told myself; see, touch!

How even in Luke, Jesus tells of his own death but the 12 just can't comprehend this, because well, no mention of grace yet, Christ hadn't died.

Seeing God's transcendence in all of that and more!

I'd told this same pastor several years back in response to a question: "I cannot not follow Christ!" follow up question was "can you say more about that?" "No, I cannot, there is nothing more to say!!"

Just as now, I cannot not see God everywhere. I cannot not feel Christ living. I cannot not get swept up in the Holy Spirit within and among...

The only "more" I can say about this is; it is an experience, a lifestyle, a Love story of sorts and why would I want to try and overthink it?! It IS and it is good! 

heart emoticon

Under HIS Wing

As I am the same person as 20 years ago and more, so is God the same from beginning to now and forever. However, I have changed and grown and do different things and will, yet it's still me. God does also!

I cannot move and flow and grow within and among the Holy Spirit if I am treating God as if the past God is all God is capable of.

The beauty in this Absolute Grace is I need not do or have to do anything. Because I am in Christ it is not something I need concern myself with, He has adopted me! I am His. I am taken up and living under HIS wing--child being tutored and tended!!!

❤




👼

❤

forward and backward

Q. Seek God and ye shall find, yes?

A. YES!

•      when I look for Thee, the things I see change 🙈  (see no evil)

•      when I listen for my Shepherd, I hear only He 🙉  (hear no evil)

•      when I contemplate folly, Wisdom shall prevail 🙊  (speak no evil)

The perfect order forward and backward.

Rejoice! Rejoice!!

"Jesus took Peter, John and James and went up the mountain to pray. Can you follow Jesus and go up on the mountain and pray? Can you carve out time time to listen and share with him the joys and sorrow of your daily life? On this Second Sunday of Lent be open and allow God the opportunity to speak to your heart. Let yourself experience God's transforming love."  (Taken from the 'Mercy Spirituality Center' Facebook Page; https://www.facebook.com/Mercy-Spirituality-Center-358657827490413/?pnref=story)

I had quite an Epiphany yesterday, (both services, different bits and pieces), being these very questions have been prayerfully and contemplatively working within and among me. I have experienced a full fledged "whew, thank you, Lord, you DO hear my prayers."

1st, randomly opening to hymn #268--feeling the "what I am called to do" type feeling with regard to wars, trials and lack of peace--be absorbed in prayer & praise! Alleluia, Amen. The way to peace = prayer and praise, that's the "how."

2nd, "silence in us any voice but Your own" became vivid and starkly "real!"--(meditate)

* I shall not give up and allow threat to scare me...like the hen and her brood. (paraphrased from the sermon)
* "Join in Jesus' lament for the city" (from sermon)
and all peoples;
*look around "these are your people!" (taken from a past time with the children. Martha explaining how in the south 'who are your people' means what family are you from, etc.)
* "Blow Your trumpet, lift up the oppressed!" (from the prayer of the people)
* Awaken us for the ways we become connected to each other. (paraphrased from the prayer of the people)
* "be transformed!" (not sure if sermon or prayer of the people)

I went in open, more open than I normally head into church wanting and needing God to speak to my heart. I revel in joy within for I am "growing up..." (see Richard Rohr's daily meditation for todayhttps://cac.org/three-steps-forward-two-steps-backward-2016-02-22/)
Deeply meditative and I heard NOT John, NOT Martha, NOT anyone but God! How do I know??? Because only I know what I pray and the Lord God himself...I was heard and answered!!!

* "Go in to go out"--woke to those words from a dream on 12/28/2015

For I am not on a wilderness walk! I am on hiking the mountainous range!!!

Thanks be to God, Amen. Thanks be to Jesus, my best friend, thanks be to the Holy Spirit within and among me. Thanks be Holy Trinity.

"Rejoice, Rejoice, Emmanuel shall come to thee oh Israel!!" (ear-wormed in my head and heart)

Live By Love

Many of Jesus' teachings show us how unfair treatment is wrong; I'll use the parables as a broad general, showing that those who are subjected to unfairness are actually the ones doing the teaching.

It is a fair statement (in my heart) to say those who walk in the path of Christ are often outside the societal norms & made subject to harsh ridicule.  I find, personally, it does hurt.  Much prayer, share and contemplate.  I am human.  Though, in the unfairness I find "success and justice" through faith.

Live by Love and you can never go wrong--

It isn't wrong to love ourselves either, the Holy Spirit lives and moves in love!

"Practices"

I never predict "practices" or "resolutions", the Holy Spirit moves and works in unpredictable ways...

Lenten "Practice" 1.  

Keep my eyes on my own paper.  My answers aren't elsewhere.

Lenten "Practice" 2.

"Pay attention, now! I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. So be as cunning as serpents and as innocent as doves." -Matt 10:16

Lenten "Practice" 3.

"self-reliance and self-learning are your greatest assets" -Lailah Gifty Akita

Lenten "Practice" 4.

"You have gotten to where you are at by way of how you got there."  -Paul G.

Just(ice) How Righteous

Passion for justice & peace vs. righteous anger:

To be angry causes a chain reaction of disharmony.
To be peaceful causes a chain reaction of love.

anger = chaos
peace = calm

With Lent approaching, as well as, ongoing presidential debates, Lord, let us watch our tones and tongues.  Within The Spirit of true grace and redemption absolute, I pray these things. Amen.

"The aim of God in history is the creation of an all-inclusive community of loving persons, with Himself included in that community as its prime sustainer and most glorious inhabitant." 
— Dallas Willard

A New Year's Awakening

A New Year's Awakening:

•  I really found our Sunday (01/10/16) speaker quite enlightening.  I do have the “color blindness” she spoke of, though I value the great depth, contributions and uniqueness of other colors and cultures, I had no idea of the over all umbrella - that being upper hand geared toward white male America.  Just a great enlightenment.

• Also, since adding a Spiritual director to my life recently, I find so much new depth in “be(ing) still and know that I am God.”  I have always been a contemplative and prayerful individual and thus, this just helps the Holy Spirit and I move, connect and flow with greater ease.

• I find lately my noticing more and more the lack of the “true self” in a great chunk of today’s society.  Seems all so caught up in we democrats, we republicans, we Christians, we Presbyterians…we this and we that and our traditions and our values.  Yet, many struggle to self identify outside those things, even within those things actually.  Identity found outside rather than within.  Could be why I often find it hard to relate, as well as, a huge lack of interest to relate!  I can generally relate to many who are in tune with their true selves or striving to be and think outside the conventional boxes.

• Additionally, over this past Advent season weaned myself out of the “care taker” or “peer councilor” role and am at a place of discernment.  Broadening myself outside of church a bit, while remaining at the same time—my Spiritual, mental and sobriety needs are met amongst much of the prayerful quiet times I find there and the extracurricular groups, etc.  However, I have steeped, like a tea bag, for a bit over three years and I am being called to “be still” while exploring my Disciple/Apostleship.  

• Being I write, mainly Spirit filled poetry, prose, short essays, and pondering mantras…this may move me into an area where I can reach and engage people of my age or even younger, which is something that the churches struggle to do.

It feels like 2016 is a wilderness walk for me, outside of normal, conventional methods of which I am familiar or accustomed.  This is all a very big change.  I am excited and have no idea what to expect—I am okay with that!  The key "popping" piece right now is in; “be still and know that I am God.”  

I see, feel and have been living still is not idle.  Even when I was physically idle with that awful upper respiratory cold at Christmas, that kept me still yet, not idle!

Live Lovingly

One day, when time and space matter not;

I know it is your heart

meant to beat

with mine...

"Be Still"

"Compassion Fatigue"

As I've been resting and tending myself, I realize many things...I feel the biggest or the one most come 

back to in many things is;  "be still and know that I am God."  

Be still in speech sometimes - I am feeling is probably the most peace we can not only use BUT offer. 

(really not all that Prophetic more Proverbial)

Sometimes things said could be better stated by just being still with them...

Freedom of speech is an earthy right,

Freedom to choose fool or wise is Heavenly!

Everything is a carrier of Peace ...

Be still and know that I am God = Be still and know I am Peace.  Peace = Love.  I am Love.

Love is kind and gentle.  Love does not envy or boast.  

More Love shall ripple into this New Year now that Peace has been birthed - Christ the Savior is born!

And yes, being still and yes, knowing God is God is really, with minimal effort on my part, helping me not 

only rest and recover, though greater than that actually 'feel' and 'live' that very Stillness, that very 

Love, that is our God.

Holy God, as we enter into another new year may we reevaluate the importance of "be still" in more than 

just action...Amen!

Peace is~

Peace is~
The tingling, warm feelings in my chest

like at any given moment my heart will burst out from within.

Peace is~
Fighting to keep my eyes open, when I am not even tired

with every eyelid flutter more soothing than the other.

Peace is~
No matter time or place, the you-ness of you existing comfortably, almost weightlessly

aware, yet, without a worry or care.

‪#‎Peace‬

Hope

Bursts of beauty, from within

Alabaster glowing, radiance

Voice of an angel, taking flight

Unto the darkness, of my mind

Flickering Advent fantasies

Come Beloved, I welcome thee

As the warmth consumes me...

Hope

Upside Down

What a blessing I have come to find

Once flustered
And to be quite frank
Really pissed
More often than not

Cursing, why me,
Consumed by anger and envy
Like I was indeed "owed" better than the hand I'd been dealt;

What kind of God are you anyway
At every turn jerking my chain
How dare you!
I deserve more!
Now my whole life is screwed
I'll never be happy
I'll never have what I want
One tack at a time
Nailing my coffin closed

Screaming, "I give up!"
Hard enough
The blood vessel in my eye popped...

What a blessing I have come to find

Granted a fulfilling life's career
Empathy and time
I would've no other way
been able to know!